Things ain’t right.

The other day, I stopped this kid from running out in the middle of the street and getting hit by an Altima. The little bastard turned around and jabbed me in my crotch. His mom thought I was trying to abduct him. That’s fine, ya lil’ bastard! That’s the last time someone’ll save your life. I hope a lot of steamrollers frequent your street.

My cell phone has begun to ooze out the adhesive that’s inside the screen. It’s brown and has the consistency of Vaseline. Until I get a new one, I have to wipe it down with Purell, sanitary wipes, and alcohol so that the side of my face doesn’t become infected. All my phone calls are dirty talk now.

Speaking of dirty talk, I have a T-shirt that has a picture of North Carolina and South Carolina on it. The caption reads “North Carolina: We like being on top.” Funny shirt, I thought. Until I wore it to work one day…the same day we had a surprise “sexual harassment at the workplace” seminar. That lady covered everything from inappropriate comments to lewd emails to offensive clothing. Looking at me the whole time. I’ve never slid down so low in a chair before.

I moved one weekend. Both elevators decided to break. The whole weekend. Rented a U-Haul truck. The signals didn’t work and the mirrors kept swinging while I was driving. Had to guess if someone was behind me or not. At least, it was the good truck.

Haven’t been home in so long, my mom told me to visit soon because she forgot what I looked like.

Two Halloweens ago, my roomy and I decided to be nice for a change and offer the neighborhood kids some candy. As soon as we got back from the grocery store, we heard a herd of kids running down the hall. Pretty much frightened by the sheer magnitude of noise, I fumbled with the keys and finally opened the door. As soon as we shut the door, at least 387 offspring from hell came crashing into the door. It sounded like fighting in Fallujah. I thought I was going to die. We finally opened the door and the maggots came INTO the house. One kid said he didn’t want candy; he wanted liquor. I karate chopped him in the esophagus and told him to go back to hell. He did. Lil’ bastard.

(to be continued)