ASK INQ: the world’s worst advice columnist

ASK INQ

 (the world’s worst advice columnist)

 Dear Inq,

 It’s that time of year again.  The time of year when I have to force my husband to go Christmas shopping with me.  He dislikes it all.  Malls, outlet stores, shopping plazas, etc.  He just wants to stay inside.  He’s so boring.  I’m a Virgo and he’s a Pisces.  How can I get him out of the house and make him more exciting?..:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />

 – Shop ’til I drop

Dear Shop,

 My dear, let me just say that you’re going through what is commonly known as a marriage.  You’re overlooking the obvious.  Everyone knows that the easiest way to get a man out of the house is to tell him that there is some sex waiting for him outside.  If that doesn’t work, invite some of your hottest, most flirtatious, and least trustworthy girlfriends over to mount him.  That will not only get him out into the fresh air, it will improve your marriage.  He’ll see and understand that you truly trust him.  Indeed.  Trust and communication are key.  Bonus: If you inject some liquor into the festivities to get everyone loose and happy, you’ll be his best friend.  Forever. Till death do you part.

 But you know what, Shop?  I’m going to give you an early Christmas present and help you understand why your man doesn’t want to go outside this holiday season.  First of all…

 1) He hates sunlight.  Not all year round.  Just in December.  I remember when I lived in Miami seeing Santa Claus on a street corner.  He was ringing his bell for charity.  No problem there.  The problem was that he was wearing shorts with his red suit.  Now, that is just wrong.  Most of us associate Christmas with snow, cold weather, and drunk Uncle Joe, not sunshine, palm trees, and heroin.  You see where I’m going with this?  I thought you would.  Any logical person would automatically see that he needs an enema.  I can’t make it any more sensible or clear than that. 

 2) He’s scared of people.  Why wouldn’t he be?  I am, too.  The other night, in front of the Staples Center, a man who had a tracheotomy coughed out some thick, phlegmy mucus into his hand through the hole in his neck, and held his hand out so that I could give him some change.  Did he want me to tip him for that?  Maybe I would have, but you know why I didn’t?  I was scared.  And that’s exactly what your hubby’s afraid of.  Homeless mucus-slimed hands.  But you know what’s even scarier than the homeless?  People with homes.  They commit the majority of crimes, rapes, murders, and bad American Idol votes.  So your  best bet is to bring safety to your home.  Round up some safe, scruffy looking, complete strangers and bring them home for the holidays.  Show off your best china, jewelry, and valuables.  Sleep with your windows open and your door unlocked to show everyone on the block that you two have the Christmas spirit by the truckload!  Those presents under the tree should still be there in the morning!

 Good luck and keep me posted.

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 Dear Inq,

 I am a Sagittarius sandwich artist at a really prestigious submarine sandwich shop.  I rather not give away its name.  The job is cool, but my boss is beginning to be a bit troublesome.  She flirts all the time, likes to pinch my butt, and call me her “Honey Mustard Man.”  I’m nobody’s “Honey Mustard Man.”   Being that she is extremely attractive, I was flattered at first.  Now, I’m just annoyed.  Not to mention, she’s married with kids.  I need help.  How can I get her to quit and still maintain my job?

 – Sandwich Architect

 Dear Sandwich,

 First things first.  Harassment, especially sexual, in the workplace is illegal…and wrong.  You know that.  Your boss knows that.  People in positions of authority can use their status to their advantage.  You have to be strong.  And smart.  Please don’t think that it is your fault.  You’re not to blame here.   You should pull her aside and let her know that her behavior makes you feel uncomfortable.  Tell her she makes you feel like a piece of meat.  Pork, not beef.  Tell her to stop.  If she persists, then begin to document and keep a detailed record of all her subsequent advances.  I’m talking dates, times, actions, witnesses (if any), and even the number of olives and tomato slices still in the bins.   Record everything.  Then, you should take this to your company’s Human Resources department and file an official complaint.  But not before you first give in to her demands and spend the night with your boss at the Super 8 Motel next to Quiznos.  Secretly videotape your rendezvous and post it online.  Give the HR department gals the link, and watch their faces become animated with amazement.  Amazement at your genius.  Yep!  With this visual evidence, you won’t need to spend a fortune hiring a lawyer.  You’ll win your case hands down.  No more boss for you.  Soon, you’ll be the boss.  Then, you can do the ass grabbing, if you decide to go that route.  For my advice, I expect free subs until your company’s either bought out by Starbucks, Wal-Mart, or Oprah.

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 Dear Inq,

 Recently, I (an Aries) took my girlfriend (a Taurus) home to meet my parents for the first time.  She hit it off with my dad (a Gemini) immediately.   However, my mother (a Capricorn) hated her from “Hello.”  My girlfriend has no problem with my mom.  None whatsoever.  It’s just that my mom thinks that my girlfriend should be thrown into the sea.  Mom’s not actually specific with her hate.  She just hates.  It’s really important to me that both parents like my girlfriend, especially since I’m going to propose soon.  How can I get my mom on board?

 – Conflicted

 Dear Conflicted,

 You’re fu*ked.  Being that your mom is a Capricorn and Capricorns are notorious for their jealousy, there’s not too much you can do.  I know you want to keep things between the two women in your life civil, but I don’t see any resolution to this.  Sucks to be you.  I’m glad I’m not in your position.  You need to seek some advice from someone.  Older adults tend to be stuck in their ways, and it sounds like you’re pleased with your girlfriend so she’s not going anywhere.  Hmmm…On second thought, there is one thing that you could do to relieve some of that great weight off your shoulders.  Instead of wasting time trying to find a woman that mom will like, I suggest you dump your mom.  If dad starts static, dump him, too.  You can always get a new parent.  There are several websites that provide such services, just to name a few of them: http://www.drop-a-pop.com, http://www.bomb-a-mom.com, and http://www.parenttransplant.org.  At this stage in the game, you really don’t need your parents other than to do the occasional babysitting or to be that constant reminder of the kind of parent you should not be.  Ditch ’em.  Who needs them?  Not you.  FYI: In the future, if you decide that you don’t want your kids either, visit http://www.get-rid-of-a-kid.edu or http://www.toddler-robbers.gov.  Both usually have a 2 for 1 deal just before summer hits as school lets out.

“Ask Inq” your questions at AskInq@notarealemailaddress.com