Claptrap.
Is it just me or does the Los Angeles Metro rail system map look sort of like the female reproductive system?
I believe in freedom of speech. I think that rap/hip hop gets a bad rap from the media, religious organizations, parents, etc. But, I have to say that every so often, I do hear a song or a beat that inexplicably makes me want to jump up and punch someone in the face.
Coughing in the workplace is a scary thing, especially when it’s violent coughing. Maybe I watch too many movies, but I always think that that throat mucus is going to turn into green ectoplasm like Slimer from Ghostbusters, fly down the hallway, turn the corner, and slam into the side of my face.
Failed banks. Defunct banks should have to go through the same process that their customers with bad credit experience. When a failed bank is sitting in its cramped apartment watching TV and one of those credit counseling/repair commercials pop up, the bank should call that number. The bank should explain to the credit repair agent how it got laid off from work and how its job got shipped overseas. The bank’s FICA and credit scores should be in the toilet, too. I wanna be there the next time I see a bank try to get a loan from its customers. Wait a sec. We already did that, right?
Blood banks. Many of us donate blood. It’s a good thing to do. However, if you give too much blood at once, then you may start to feel weak and dizzy. So in order to counter that lethargy, they give you a cup of apple juice and/or a cookie for a sugar rush. I don’t want that. I didn’t know that I was going to feel like a saggy, soggy bowl of Crunch Berries. Give me my blood back. I was feeling fine before you took it out of me. Put it back in. Hold on! Make sure it’s mine first.
I saw a little kid wearing a shirt that had “I’m perfect” on it. He had his head raised in a cocksure manner and his chest puffed up like he was proud of something. Smiling hard, too. He couldn’t have been any older than 9 or 10. The conversation went like this:
Me: Hey, you know what?
Kid: What?
Me: If you remove the apostrophe and squeeze those letters together, then you know what you have?
Kid: What?
Me: The truth.
Kid: What does that mean?
Me: Means your parents have been lying to you all of your life and you’re really an ass like the rest of us. If I were you, I wouldn’t feel so special.
His eyes began to well up. My job here is done.
I know this is an election year, but politicians have got to stop using the same words and phrases in the debates, stump speeches, etc. Either the Democrats and Republicans have the same speech writers, or we should put the Bible aside and make the next president swear in on a thesaurus. I mean, the next time I hear a politician talk about the “fundamental difference” between him/her and another politician that cares more about “Wall Street” than “Main Street” while supporting “bailout/rescue plans,” “the American people” and I are going to “trickle down” on our “golden parachutes,” “surge” into the nation’s capital, grab our elected officials by the “earmarks,” and throw them into a huge slop trough of “pork barrel spending.”
Where did the phrase “make an honest woman out of her” come from? I know it means to marry a woman. But, is she dishonest now? If so, why would I want to marry her? And if she isn’t, why would she want to marry me? Or what if the guy’s dishonest? Can a dishonest man make a woman honest? Does his dishonesty cancel out his honest attempt to make her honest? Honestly, I’ve exhausted this topic.
My friends, please let me know if I get “too LA” or “too Hollywood.” Give my downhome Southern upbringing, it is HIGHLY unlikely to happen, but please keep me in check anyway. Someone that I know lives TWO blocks away from a seriously upscale LA mall. Instead of just walking there like any rational-thinking person (especially with today’s high gas prices), this person drives there, and what’s more than that, this person VALET parks. That’s “too LA.” In the event that lose my mind and become a jackass, take me by my obnoxious Armani clothes (of which I will probably be wearing by that time) and ridiculous white-rimmed Kanye West shades, strap me to the Hollywood sign, and fling designer-brand darts at me. Don’t worry about hurting me; by then, I would have deserved it.
You should never argue with a fool. Folks might not know the difference.
While standing in line at the grocery store recently, the lady ahead of me proceeded to double check the prices of all her items, using her calculator to add up everything AS the actual cashier was doing it. Simultaneously, the woman made Scrooge McDuck-ish faces and grunts as if the price was just waaaaaaay too much for her to stomach. Then, when it was time to pay up, she pulled out a gleaming American Express card. ???? Minutes later, I saw her drive away in a Bentley. Cheap rich people are on my hate list, too. Currently 12.
The AAA company has service trucks that will bring fresh car batteries to you if your car battery dies on you. The side of the truck has “AAA Batteries” emblazoned on it. Hmm…exactly how small are these cars? …… Hold on. Wait for it…wait for it…
Back to politics…
Obama. The Cool: I saw him the other day. The Bad: It was a Superman poster with Obama’s head attached to it. Hmm. The man is not superhuman. Some people must stop putting him on pedestal so high that if the guy becomes president and makes a mistake (because that’s what humans do), then people won’t be incredibly crushed. I’ve seen similar posters of him posed as Jesus. If he was really a deity, then he wouldn’t need your vote. But if he can cuss out people and throw kids in the air like Hancock, then I’ll have the utmost respect for him.
McCain. The Cool: He has been known, at times, to be an independent thinker. The Bad: Recently, his party has been really mad. Expressing deep ire. Why have Republicans been so mad lately? 3 out of the last 4 presidents have been Republican. That’s 20 out of the last 28 years that a member of Grand Old Party has sat in the Oval Office. Sounds like domination to me. If politics were the NBA, the Republicans would be the Boston Celtics dynasty of Red Auerbach and Bill Russell. Hey! Americans may want to give another person a chance to mess up the country. Don’t be so angry. You still could win. Done it before. States are still using electronic voting machines, right?
Go vote, be well, and be safe.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 