120 Seconds of Chaos
“Great thieves don’t steal: they embezzle. Great liars don’t lie; they embellish. Great drunks don’t drink; we imbibe.” –Me
My face at rest looks like I’m frowning. Sometimes when I’m sleepy, my eyes get watery, so it looks like I’m crying. People must think I’m bipolar.
This older black man on the bus was trying to school the bus driver. He said that black people are dark-skinned because the equator runs through the heart of Africa…and that black people come from the sun.
Text message from a fellow bus rider: “Save me, D. I’m sitting next to a woman that’s yelling at someone in her shirt.”
Went to a Chinese restaurant that had Mexican place mats on the tables. There was a map of Mexico on them, instead of the typical Chinese zodiac. I wanted to order a wonton enchilada or tostada egg drop soup, but I would have been completely outnumbered by the employees, potentially leading to a bizzaro-world, Rush Hour-like scene in which 500 Jackie Chans dogpile Chris Tucker.
Every time I see a man who is a handyman on TV, he’s wearing a plaid flannel shirt. If plaid flannel is the fabric of the blue-collar, working man, then I guess it only works for some people. If anything, plaid flannel is the fabric of the unemployed. Countless homeless people sport plaid flannel. Hire a migrant worker or a day laborer. There’s a 190% chance that he’ll be wearing plaid flannel. Hell, I’ve even lost a job WHILE WEARING a plaid flannel shirt. Country singers croon about losing jobs, spouses, dogs, and teeth all the time, and they come out of the womb wearing plaid flannel. So the next time you want something to stop working, throw some plaid flannel on it. Car alarm won’t shut off? Throw some plaid flannel on it. Coworker making you look bad because he shows up early and leaves late? Hit that bastard with a flannel blanket quickly! He gotsta go. Baby won’t stop crying? Slip some plaid flannel pajamas on that little siren and say goodnight!
When entering a restroom, why will some people insist on yelling, “It smells like shite in here.”??? Of course, it does. You’re in the restroom. Where’d you think you were? In a bowl of potpourri? Wrong bowl, jackass. Matter of fact, just dip your head in that other bowl and flush it until you stop moving. Human gene pool – 1, You – 0.
In the movies, when a man and woman are running for their lives and they’re holding hands, what sense does that make? That’s just going to slow them down. You don’t see sprinters holding hands as they run the 100m dash. Next time, I want to see the guy and the girl drop each other’s hands and just go all out. Every woman and man for herself and himself. That’ll make it harder for the blast from the explosion; the giant, genetically altered, mountain lion; or the evil mastermind to get them. Never mind. Those two should hold hands. That movie sounds really bad. Maybe if they hold hands and get caught/killed, then the movie will end sooner. We all want that.
Yahoo recently underwent a facelift. The “new” Yahoo is supposed to be more personalized–more for the customer, more for you. But how can you get more personalized than the already personalized “My Yahoo!”? Maybe it should just be named “You!” Or “This is yours now. Take it! We Yahoo employees don’t want to work here anymore, anyway. We’re all on Google now.”
Man 1: All US male citizens must register with Selective Service upon turning 18.
Man 2: Really?
Man 1: Yeah, it’s the law.
Man 2: Well, I select not to serve.
You know you live in a safe neighborhood when you see a white girl jogging alone late at night WHILE wearing sunglasses.
Why is it that you can have a perfectly normal conversation with someone, but the instant that person spits out his or her phone number for you to write down, that person speeds through the phone number?
A friend of mine took a picture with a pimp and a prostitute. One day, I’ll tell her the pros and cons of hanging out with pros and cons.
I saw a guy on the bus with a UFO shirt and a 3-foot sword wrapped in aluminum foil.
In the average American household, more arguments take place in the kitchen than any other room in the house. From that fact, I extrapolate that the kitchen is also where most marital poisonings occurs–which is why if I get married, I’m ordering take-out. Every night. Forever.
Americans spend 6 months of their lives waiting for greens lights in traffic. I’m sure they also spend another 10 months slowing down to look at car accidents and another 18 months finishing up those text messages in traffic after the light’s already turned green.
People who talk on their phones in a library should face a firing squad. Only the firing squad should throw thick dictionaries and reference books at them. “Here’s the L volume. Look up ‘loudmouth,’ you ass!”
The last time I got glasses, I got some Transitions lenses. You know, the ones that are supposed to get darker when you’re outside in sunlight. It was unseasonably hot that day, so I had on a pair of basketball shorts. After receiving the glasses, I walked outside, in a hurry to get back to work. It didn’t take long for me to notice that only the left lens was actually working. The right one was as clear as day. I had been walking down one of the busiest streets in the city, looking like a retarded pirate volleyball coach.
Depressing quote of the day: “Lives don’t change. We simply become more comfortable with our core misery, which is a form of happiness.” –Some character from the HBO series “Bored to Death”
Dating Tip #3: Do not put words in a dude’s mouth. We don’t like that. It leaves less space for our feet to fit.
Following Beyonce’s advice, I decided to put a ring on stuff I like–strawberry pancakes, bowling alleys, Komodo dragons, etc. This is getting expensive.
I can’t sleep. That self-inflicted sleeper hold didn’t do the trick.
I wish those silent hybrid cars would start having noisy engines because I’m tired of almost getting run over by them.
Genius planning: There’s a correctional facility in Miami that’s only a few blocks from an airport, a major street, a river, and a railroad track.
Ok, I’m going to settle this issue, once and for all. Ladies, if I’m wearing clothes and you’re standing next to me–naked, then I’m not the strange one for looking. Your breasts and ass are hanging out. Everyone else here is dressed. I understand that it’s a free country, and you can wear whatever you want, but if you do decide to wear something that’s gonna make people automatically throw dollar bills at you, then don’t blame us. Holy rollers shouldn’t be mad at you, though. You look like you stepped out of the Book of Genesis. What’s wrong with you? We’re all waiting on the bus that goes to Gardena. You’re at the wrong stop. The Garden of Eden stop is over there.
I’m convinced that spiders all over the world have declared war against me. For my entire life, I’ve had a propensity to walk straight through cobwebs, at least two a week. Soon, they’ll join forces, make a web the size of South Dakota, trap me, and feed me to their young. Black Flag’s waving the white flag, Raid ain’t gonna do the trick, and the Orkin Man is on vacation and he’s not returning my calls. I’m screwed.
Recently, I saw a sign on the road that read “Watch Slowing Traffic Ahead.” However, it was positioned on the side of the road. So, if you’re reading that sign, you aren’t watching the slowing traffic that’s AHEAD of you, right? CRAAAAAASH!
In alien/sci-fi movies, why do people point up at the sky when they see a spaceship? Everyone else in the movie is looking up anyway. Can spaceships come from some other direction?
Sharp quote of the day: “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.” –Steven Wright
Why do girls preface what they’re about to say with words like, “I don’t want to freak you out, but…”, and then say something that completely freaks you out?
The African cheetah is on the endangered species list. Say what? How is the fastest living thing on the planet endangered? Who or what is that fast? Bullets? Yes. Oh. OK. Guess I answered my own question. Well, why isn’t something else that needs to be endangered in danger, like douchebags at clubs, Smart cars, politicians, douchebags at shops, douchebags at work, etc.
The other day, a friend of mine said, “The back of my back hurts.”………………………….We still love him anyway.
I almost bought a book on sale called “501 Books You Must Read,” but then I stopped myself. There’s something strange about buying a book that insists and recommends that you buy 501 OTHER books.
I’ve heard about this “free market” that we’re supposed to enjoy in this country. It’s all nonsense to me. I tried to take a cart full of groceries out of the grocery store last Sunday. The cops told me that I should have paid for it. See what I mean?
Not too long ago, I saw a movie in 3-D. I had a pretty hard time keeping the 3-D glasses on my face, since I had to wear them on the bridge of my nose. Uncomfortable. Having 2 pairs of glasses on your face is like piloting a plane that happens to be inside a much larger plane. They don’t make 3-D glasses for folks who actually wear glasses. I wonder why that is. Are the manufacturers of 3-D glasses afraid that we, the bespectacled, with the combined powers of our existing glasses and the 3-D glasses, will see everything in incomprehensible 6-D? 8-D? 10-D, maybe? If I saw things in 10-D, I wouldn’t even watch movies anymore. 10-D must be distracting. Like looking at an animated, gaudy Ed Hardy or Affliction shirt. Can you say epilepsy?
My phone sent me a text message the other day, saying, “Pay your bill, dumbass. They’re gonna shut me off. From, Your phone.”
Ever look up and just see a stranger staring dead at you? As I type this, there is a shifty eyed dude looking at me from across the bus aisle. Why are you looking at me, shifty eyed dude? Shifty eyed dude, what if I looked at you? Would that make you uncomfortable, like you’re making me? Is it money you want, shifty eyed dude? If so, I don’t have any to give you. You’re out of damn luck. Your shifty eyes are freakin’ me out. I’m gonna close my eyes now. That may make things better. I won’t see you then. Here goes…..Ahhhh! You’re still looking at me! Alright, I give up. Let’s get it over with. Just don’t hurt me too bad, shifty eyed dude.
Half salad lovers, what’s the point? A whole salad has something like what…zero calories, any-damn-way! You want to eat half of zero? Might as well eat the full salad, people. I’m not talking about a huge salad bowl that anyone would split. I’m talking about a regular sized one. You can eat that. Man up. Oh, you’re not a man. My bad. Woman up then.
For a time, I thought that all Hispanic kids were named Mira (pronounced mee-da, meaning “look here”).
Why is infidelity called cheating? Cheating, in sports and games, gives the cheater an unfair advantage over the opponent, making it easier for the cheater to win the prize, game, title, etc. What would be the prize in a marriage? It sounds as if the person who’s being cheated on may wish to be the cheater to gain the upper hand. Are extramarital affairs the “prizes” in a marriage? No need to respond. I just like seeing some of y’all squirm.
Pinocchio’s conscience was Jiminy Cricket. Maybe everyone’s conscience should be an insect. Crickets are good because they can sing in your ear when you’re about to get into trouble. I would prefer a mosquito. Phineas Mortimer Mosquito. That way, whenever I hear my conscience buzzing in my ear, I can turn quickly, catch it in my hands, and kill it.
Sign that you’re still a loser: When the girl of your dreams rejects you–in your dreams.
NFL analysts and commentators have got to stop saying ridiculous stuff, like “You have to play better that than if you want to leave your mark here in the National Football League. The National Football League has…” Stop saying National Football League! Saying NFL is fine. You guys saying the full name EVERY time you open your mouth is making me want to pull out my eyebrows. Please refrain from saying National Football League 40 times in 3 sentences. The game’s already 3 hours. We don’t need to hear an additional hour of you yakking out something that you could say in 3 letters. O.K.? Thx.
There’s a charity called EDAR, short for Everyone Deserves A Roof. It supplies the homeless with compact mobile units for shelter. According to its website, “Each EDAR is a four-wheeled mobile unit which carries belongings and facilitates recycling during the day and which unfolds into a special, framed tent-like sleeping enclosure with a bed at night.” I think it’s a great idea and want to sponsor one. My only question is what happens when one of these mobile units go mobile at night? Some jokester could move someone’s EDAR to the other side of town, maybe with him still in it. If a guy goes to sleep on Spring Street and then wakes up on Figueroa Street in the morning, then that could be a problem. He won’t be able to get his mail.
Who is Chu? I’ve been hearing this person’s name for years, and you have too. Yeah, you have. So many artists sing about “chu” in just about all of their songs. Chu is you. When you hear lyrics like “I’m so in love wit’ chu,” “Every word in this song’s gonna be about chu,” or “I want to spend the rest of my life witchu,” you realize that the beginning sound of “you” blends in with the ending sound of the previous word often. So now I can stop learning Chinese and harassing Chu families all over the globe.
Two minutes before the final stop on my bus, a woman and I were assailed by at least 5 roaches. Some of them even flew at us. 120 seconds of chaos. I figure they’re teaming up with the spiders.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 