Carpal Tunnel Vision
I saw a flyer about a lost dog. The owner said that he was a combat war vet and that the dog was his life. He said the dog jumped from his fourth-story window. I’m guessing the dog was a war vet, too, and was more than likely a paratrooper.
I’ve been trying to think up some birthday party ideas and themes for my 33rd birthday. So far I’ve come up with the “I’m the same age as Jesus when he was executed” party.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about starting a website called Taking-Pics-Of-Other-Guys’-Girlfriends.com.
Actual phone conversation overheard on the bus: “Yeah, yeah, I went to his house so I could beat his punk ass. But erotically, that dude was at my house looking for me!” Please learn when to use “erotically” and when to use “ironically.”
If you say “like” more than 25 times in a sentence, kill yourself.
A girl once asked me for the world; I gave her a globe. I asked her for a hand; she gave me the finger. At least we’re on the same page.
“That brotha’s on a Segway!” –Said to a woman by her guy as I passed them on a Segway
Just heard a man on his phone say, “Ay yo! I wasn’t ready! I wasn’t prepared for that Preparation H.” I wasn’t prepared to hear him say that.
L.A. is a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit here.
People have been passionately telling me to go to this place for the longest time, but no one’s ever given me directions. I’m pretty excited to visit and need a vacation. So does anyone know where a town called Hell is?
Whenever Obama comes into town, his motorcade slows down traffic, causing me to get home in about 3 hours. Next time I go to DC, I’m rolling with an army of nonagenarians, tortoises, sloths, and slow-moving postal workers, and we’re shutting the city D – O – W – N.
Saw a kid inside the observation deck of the Sears Tower (now Willis Tower) point to a building faraway and say to his parents, “Look, there’s the Sears Tower!” Somebody help him.
I had my identity stolen once. Ten minutes later, some guy gave it back. Said he didn’t need it THAT bad. 😦
I’m an Aquarius, and I love poetry…and long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
If I’m out minding my own business and your snarling dog starts running straight at me, I don’t want to hear you say that your dog, Bella, is friendly. Obviously, she’s not listening to you.
A broken clock may be right twice a day, but it’s also wrong 1,438 times a day.
One night, I walked outside and saw 2 llamas standing on the sidewalk.
Once in Hollywood, a man asked me if I knew which direction North Hollywood was. I slapped him.
Got attacked by the same posse of birds 3 times this week. They’re lucky that I don’t have wings; otherwise, i’d fly up there with some grease, and a skillet or a Fry Daddy–and eat ’em.
My carpal tunnel vision is flaring up again.
There are 3 types of people in this world: the ones who can count and the ones who can’t.
Phew! Good thing I turned down that Mel Gibson/Michael Richards house party invite. That would have been pretty awkward.
The words “My,” “oozing,” “rash,” “see,” and “wanna” do not fit well together in a sentence.
You might think you’re a gym rat, but when you see a real rat in the gym, your perspective changes.
If God wanted us to travel coach class, then he would have made us narrower.
Fun Ways I’d Like to Freak People Out — #28: Run inside a tanning salon midday and scream, “Look what your tanning bed did to me! This is brown, not tan!”
Two nights ago, I saw a roach orgy on and around a half-eaten Snickers bar in the street. Today, someone told me that I should’ve recorded it. I don’t think there’s a market for sweet milk chocolate roach porn.
Seriously, I’m staring at a grown man wearing a New Kids on the Block denim jacket. Can I strangle him now?
Saw someone today whose eyebrows were shaved off. So it got me asking myself that age-old question: Can people with no eyebrows look surprised?
I don’t know what’s killing me the most: people who rock T-shirts with scarves, or this “groin-punch game hurts more boys” article that I just read.
Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 