This little piggy…
A woman once asked me to give her the world. I gave her a globe. Later, I asked her for a hand. She gave me the finger. At least we were on the same page.
Stop Googling & running background checks on your dates! It takes all the fun out of dating. Finding out your upcoming blind date’s an axe murderer is cheating at the game of love.
Yes, this little piggy did go to market, one stayed home, one had roast beef while another had none, & the fifth did cry “wee, wee, wee,” all the way home. But if you take the nursery-rhyme cuteness away, this shopaholic, agoraphobe, cow-preying swine, anorexic, and French-speaking thrillseeker all needed an intervention.
You’ve heard of the Electric Slide, but are you ready for my new invention, the Electric Slip ‘n’ Slide? Never has sliding on a wet, electrified sheet of plastic been so fun! What could go wrong?
Just heard this convo. Guy says to girl, “Sometimes I’m Catholic, sometimes I’m agnostic.” She asks, “What are you today?” He replies, “Catholic, I think. Whatever it says on my Facebook.”
I’ll never forget the first time we met — but I’ll keep trying.
It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful.
I like you. I have no taste, but I like you.
This guy is talking to me right now. He doesn’t know that I’m not listening.
Tried to go to the bookstore yesterday, but it was temporarily closed for Justin Beiber’s book signing of his new MEMOIRS. (Crickets chirping.)
I’d like to say I’m glad you’re here…i’d like to say it.
So tired. My cup of coffee needed a cup of coffee to wake up.
Someone with a thick unibrow, frowning and yelling at something invisible, just got on the train. It’s been nice knowing y’all.
Crest toothpaste and Oral-B toothbrushes: Clinically proven to make even the biggest mouth STFU for at least 2 minutes a day.
What’s with all the commercials before movie trailers nowadays? If I wanted to see all of these commercials, I would’ve stayed at home and watched ’em on TV.
Today’s Life Lesson in Rhyme: Never again will I say hello to that crazy old man. / For this morning, he tried to greet me with snot in his hand.
So I was hanging out with Mario, Luigi, Pac Man, and Donkey Kong last Saturday, and we made jokes about Pac’s lack of a digestive system. He said that he really didn’t give a $#!+.
Just saw a road crew working near a “Slow Men at Work” sign & a “Speed Limit 15” sign. With laws like those, no wonder it’s taking them forever to fix that pothole.
All hope is lost when you know someone who thinks Pearl Harbor is the name of a sushi restaurant.
I’ve heard of guys in LA who wear shades at the gym. If I see you wearing sunglasses at the gym, there better be a dog in front of you on the treadmill.
Monday-Morning Curmedgeon says, “I’m thankful that people have stopped being thankful and have gone back to being greedy, trampling on one another for Christmas toys. I was worried there for a second.”
Ever been laughing hard at something and then someone with a loud, obnoxious laugh (or someone you don’t like) joins in, and then whatever you were laughing at just isn’t funny to you anymore?
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 