How Am I Driving?

No matter what white-collar or blue-collar crime I commit, it shouldn’t be labeled that if I’m wearing a T-shirt or a wife beater when I commit the crime.

The suburbs: Where they cut down the trees and name their streets after them.  –some bumper sticker

OMG, ppl! I can’t w8 2 find something mildly entertaining 2 do this holiday weekend so I can share it & every other aspect of my life with u on FB! So awesome! So much to say! Y is there a character limit anyway??? OMG! OMG is ROFL @ me LMAO! #sarcasm

If you’re one who continually yells into your cell phone and/or feels the need to have your entire conversation on loud-speaker in public, do me a favor and swallow your phone. I’ll call 911 for you. (Nope. I won’t.) Thanks.

Once saw a “Help Wanted” sign in front of a psychic reader’s house. Draw your own conclusions.

After checking the time on the LCD display in the ICU unit, I found the ISBN number to the GRE exam book that I needed, but forgot my PIN number at the ATM machine.

Saw one of those “How Am I Driving?” stickers on the back of a big rig and called the 1-800 number. Told ’em, “With your hands and feet,” and hung up.

Note: Phlebotomy and lobotomy may sound alike, but they aren’t the same thing.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

The only thing that’s keeping me from snapping you in half is that I don’t want two of you around.

First time I heard about someone having shingles when I was a kid, an image of a man with a roof for a back came to mind.

Bucket List Item #14: To change the traffic lights to black lights and see which cars carry the most dust at night.

How about never? Is never good for you?

The next time you give your clothes away, stay in them.

There are more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the United States every year.

Paranoia is when you’re conversing with a group of people and you suddenly start frisking them because you think one of them is wearing a wire.

Thinking about writing a series of the most trivial FB statuses of all time, posting one every 5 minutes for 24 hours. Today’s post is practice. Here goes: DeLane sees a paper clip on the ground. He’s thinking about picking it up.

The “No shoes. No shirt. No service.” sign at restaurants is a little outdated. Who left out “No pants”? And why this rule in the 1st place? One possibility: eateries banded together to keep the Incredible Hulk from having a pleasant dining experience.

While waiting for a train, someone came up to me and asked if the train had passed yet. Ignored him. Not sure if he thought I was a hologram of the me that caught the last train, or some freak who just liked to watch the pretty choo-choos zoom by.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. But if a person’s your sworn enemy, got you fired, stole your fiance(e), bullied you, snatched your lunch money, tortured you with daily wedgies…yeah, maybe letting that person drive isn’t a bad idea after all.

Try calling someone “homely” instead of “homie” every once in a while. No one will notice.

Years ago, during my first time in Atlanta, a kid not even 5 feet tall said to me on the MARTA train, “What up, shawty?” Upon realizing that I was taller than him, I became instantly and thoroughly confused.

If you get in a car accident and the car that you hit disintegrates, then the your car is probably too big.

A friend just said to me, “Yesterday, I saw someone who reminded me of someone I can’t remember.”

Trying to convince this guy that she wasn’t nuts, an insane lady repeated Einstein’s definition of insanity 7 times yesterday. She must’ve really misunderstood the definition.

Bucket List Item #5: To understand why they are so hated and vilified, I must research & find out what the despicable, heinous act was that the end pieces of bread loaves did to the human race.

Instead of selling cookies, wouldn’t it make more sense if Brownie Girl Scouts sold…ehh…um…brownies?

I asked a Quaker to make me some oatmeal. He said no and told me to go fly a kite. Hmm…