Misogynistic Massages
Almost got hit by a truck this morning. That’s alright, though, because I hit it back.
1) Just saw a woman leaving a Starbucks riding a unicycle. Clown.
2) You can’t have loud phone conversations about spending your “big money” if you’re on the bus. You just can’t.
Saw a fire engine with a sticker on it that read “Fire Extinguisher Inside.” I hope so.
That “Baby On Board” sign in your car window goes for you, too. People’ll stop driving like maniacs when you stop.
Just saw someone with the greasiest face I’ve ever seen. A fly landed on it, slipped off, and literally plummeted to its death.
Has anyone ever seen a truly peach-colored peach?
If you were to do a clockwise roundhouse kick while standing on top of a washing machine with a spin cycle that’s going counterclockwise that’s positioned on top of a merry-go-round turning clockwise, all while Earth’s continuing its counterclockwise rotation, would you travel through time?
Yes, it’s Shark Week, but it’s also World Breastfeeding Week. Coincidence? I think not. Connect the dots, America. The revolution is upon us.
“You ever see someone you don’t know, again?” –Louis C.K.
From time to time, people will tell me that they saw me driving luxury cars, checking into lavish hotels, and in places I’ve never visited. I have a doppelganger out there who’s getting me into trouble…and making me sound more interesting than I am.
DeLane McDuffie: Rated #2 in the world in walking inadvertently through giant spider webs on Thursday mornings.
I like you better the more I see you less.
Just heard someone say, “They sell ’em at the supermarket. How come they don’t sell Metro passes at Subway?”
I enjoy talking to you; my mind needs a rest.
So many people in LA freaking out about Carmageddon, you’d think it was raining outside.
Unlike this weekend’s Carmageddon, Karmageddon is when you get that parking space you deserve after driving around for eternity, but it’s too late because the end of the world’s going down in 5 minutes.
Sign that you have low self-esteem and your day is going to suck, #21: You look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, and your reflection gives you the finger.
If you look in the mirror and your reflection frowns and turns its back to you, you might be a little hard on the eyes.
No matter who you are, no matter how many times you do it, no matter how hard you try, it is impossible to look cool while carrying a 16-pack of toilet tissue. It just ain’t happening.
Saw a pharmaceutical commercial yesterday advising you to cease taking a particular pill if you notice any “abnormal bleeding.” Abnormal bleeding? As opposed to everyday, garden-variety, normal bleeding? (Not what you think, folks.)
Which is scarier, someone whose eyes are too close together or too far apart?
An inspirational and moving status update that uplifts the human condition and helps everyone get through the day. #sarcasm
Pulling ponytails is fun until you pull a pony’s tail. #kickinthecashews
It is so hot in this building that my beads of sweat are sweating beads of sweat.
Sitting across from a man wearing a black shirt with a white milky liquid streaming down his shirt. He appears to be lactating. Ugh. No more breakfast cereal for me.
“My mole gives me character.” –What I overheard some guy tell another guy in the public restroom, while standing at the urinals
Hey, fishermen and joggers in wooded areas! How come you always” find” the dead bodies?
“The toe is the Achilles’ heel of the foot.” –football analyst Ron Jaworski
Wednesday’s Candidate for the Clearance Rack: that person who gets uncomfortably close to you when talking. If this person were any closer to you, he or she would be behind you. Everything must go!
So I see this lady pushing this kid in a stroller. She stops. The kid climbs out and starts pushing the stroller. When this happens, your child’s too big to be pushed around in a stroller. Give it up. Kid’s not a baby anymore. Let ’em walk.
Back when I was a youngin’, I used to think that a misogynist was someone who gave massages. I was wrong.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 