Red Velvet Assassins

The word assassins has the word ass in it twice, which, to me, means that the original assassins of ancient Persia must have had big ol’ booties.

The single greatest achievement of the Internet, instant messaging, and texting is not making the world smaller by bringing people closer together, but exposing how many of your family and friends can’t spell.

That red velvet cake was so good, I wanted to burn the restaurant down so that no one after me could have any.

If this day were anymore screwed, I’d need some KY. And I ain’t talking about Kentucky.

It’s taking me forever to read this speed reading book.

The Trojan Vibrating Touch is not for sale in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and Virginia, making them the only eight states in the union to outlaw general happiness for women.

Chuck Norris is half Irish and half Cherokee, which makes him 100% drunk.  –my sharp-witted coworker, Joel

On the bus with a class of rambunctious mentally challenged kids. One gets annoyed, stands up, turns around, and yells at his classmates, “Shut up! You guys are acting retarded!”

Florida is the South’s trash can. –Peter Griffin

Was cramped up on a crowded bus. Uncomfortable as .  My arm got more sleep than I did.

Why do people with no teeth always want to talk to me?

Speaking of no teeth, I saw a guy with no teeth buying toothpaste at Rite Aid.

There’s a cocktail lounge/strip club next door to a middle school in West LA.  The club is called Plan B.  Just in case school doesn’t work out…