Blindfolds

Just saw a truck with “V&D Catering.” Never mind, V&D. Not ordering from you. Just lost my appetite.

Some guy on the bus just asked me out of the blue, “What is the legal definition of a lewd act?” Umm…I’m getting off at the next stop before he decides to do one.

Kids today are soft. Parents are, too. Kids cry when they don’t get picked for a team. Parents are overprotective. Kids were tougher back in the day. My parents beat me a lot, and occasionally, they would pick up my sister and beat me with her.

What if you could switch out your race or ethnicity like you switch out your clothes? Like how you might wear a T-shirt and jeans one day, but rock a button-down and slacks the next day. Like Asians are trendy one week, but the next week Mexicans are in style. You could be white when you have an interview, get the job, and then be black on your first day of work. Word. You could blow stereotypes out of the water or…hysterically reinforce them. Just a thought.

Vegetarians are spoiled. They get veggie dishes at steakhouses. That’s like going to a Catholic church expecting to hear a sermon in Arabic. Or like going to a grocery store expecting to see cockfighting. Segregation needed to end back in the 1960s. It was despicable and immoral. But nowadays, segregation needs to make a comeback. Vegetarian segregation. Restaurants that serve meat, keep those plant chompers out of our meat palaces. And we’ll stay away from their twigs and berries. Deal?

I’m sure that my eyes are landing strips for airborne debris, dust, and dirt.

I want to throw a bachelor party one day. I’ll set it up so the groom-to-be can get a blindfolded lap dance. He’s blindfolded, and the stripper’s blindfolded, too. She grinds on him for 10 minutes. Then, they remove their blindfolds at the end of the lap dance to see one another. He sees a scantily clad woman standing in front of him in horror. It’s his mom. That would scar him for life, but that’s what a gift’s supposed to be — unforgettable.

Saw some guy this morning enter the restroom, wash his hands, go to the urinal, come back to the sink to wash his hands again, and then use some hand sanitizer on the way out. First thing that pops in my head: “That gentleman’s genitals must be absolutely filthaaaaay!”