Liver Pudding and Hog Head Cheese

Ahhh, ain’t nothing like that new-city-bus-but-it’s-not-really-new-because-this-dude-is-staring-at-me-while-licking-his-fingers-and-wetting-his-pants smell.

Sign: Baby on Board.
Translation: I’m a cartoonishly horrendous driver who uses this sign to encourage you to drive with care because my baby’s with me when, really, you need to watch out for me.

The 20k race walk shouldn’t be an Olympic sport. Folks are just walking fast. The commentator complimented someone’s “walking technique.” C’mon!

Everyone fawns over puppies and babies. No one fawns over a fawn. Seems pretty unfair, given that the word is their actual name.

People kill me with this whole “don’t eat the animals” kick. Why are you hating on meat? We’re all meat! Why would you hate on yourself?

Being a hardcore grass grazer ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard of some vegetarian having to go back to eating meat because of a serious lack of iron. You see, iron is a metal. The word metal unscrambled is LMeat. Metal has meat in it! And the L stands for Lots. So eat it!

Shouldn’t the word menopause be changed to womenopause, and the word menstrual cycle to womenstrual cycle?

While watching the London Olympics, I came across some interesting facts. Each gold medal is 92.5% silver, 1.34% gold, and the rest is copper (with a minimum of 6 grams of gold). The silver medal is 92.5% silver with the remainder being copper. Lastly, the bronze medal is 97% copper, 2.5% zinc, and 0.5% tin. So any silver medalist can put down any gold medalist by letting that person know that their gold medal has just as much silver in it as their silver medal has.

Always wanted a tattoo but there’s really no point. That would be like taking a black Sharpie to a Snickers bar. You’ll be able to see it, but just not too clearly.

These “Friends” photo frames are completely unnecessary. If I see you with a group of people in a framed photograph, of course, I’m going to think that you’re either friends or family. Having “Friends” emblazoned on the frame just makes you look insecure and redundant. I mean, if manufacturers are going to continue making these frames, then they should start making “Enemies” frames, too. Might as well. I’m sure someone out there has a picture of themselves surrounded by 7 or 8 smiling, congenial, extremely photogenic archenemies, archrivals, and people they’d personally love to put in the ground.

I don’t understand why dog owners let their dogs lick them on the face and in the mouth.  No idea why.  None at all.  I’ve always heard that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than human’s mouth.  So if this is true, by letting their dogs lick them in the mouths, aren’t these dog owners actually making their dogs sick?

Email signatures are dumb. Your inspirational quote from Einstein, Ghandi, MLK, Steve Jobs, Ayn Rand, your mama, Bruce Lee, Wolf Blitzer, your 3-year-old son, incredibly sage grandpappy, or anyone else that you have at the bottom of this chain letter that you forwarded me is not, will not, and cannot inspire me to go out and do good in the world. Especially when the only things I’m thinking about right now is calling your internet provider to disconnect your service, and dispatching my hitman to mash you out.