Head Butt

It’s way too hot these days. The only time I want to see 110 degrees is at a college graduation.

One day I was wearing my ivy/newsboy/driver’s cap. All of a sudden, I hear a woman laughing her head off. She’s sitting in a car with a handicap license plate on it. She bellows out, “You look like a taxi cab driver.” I say to her, “Well, with that handicap license plate, you look like a cripple, right?” Too mean?

Who decided to come up with the term “sweet tooth?” Teeth don’t have taste buds. Wouldn’t “sweet tongue” or “sweet taste buds” be a better descriptor?

Ever seen anyone who has that type of face you want to head butt.

If you’re a black Congressman with a flattop/high-top fade in 2012, you must be a penis. House Representatives Alan West of Florida and Artur Davis of Alabama, I’m talking to y’all.

Elderly people, stop walking on the bus when it’s in motion. I’m tired of seeing your bodies flying all over the place, slamming into poles, seats, and my bag of Fritos. It’s hard enough for you to walk on solid ground.

—

An Internet oldie but goodie:

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the heck cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?
I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you 😐

—

Real convo.

PERSON: Ok, I want chicken now. And eggs.

ME: I just want to eat a pregnant chicken. 2 birds, 1 stone.

PERSON: LOL. Ewww.

ME: That’s smart, right?

PERSON: No.

ME: No?

PERSON: No.

ME: Ok.

—

Just saw a police car with an “Out of Service” sign in the window. Not sure what it means, but I’m hoping it’s the world’s worst undercover cop.

Some guy on a Stamps.com commercial said that there’s nothing worse than having to wait in line at the post office. I can think of several things worse than that. Like getting shot in the face.

Constipation is just like boredom. Sitting around literally waiting for shit to happen.