Full-Finger Ring

Why do we call people who have passed away “late?” Aren’t they, in essence, early?

WHEN YOU KNOW THE NEXT FEW MINUTES PROBABLY WON’T BE GOOD, Reason #281: When the first thing you hear someone say as you’re getting on the bus is, “I already been in prison. I don’t wanna die.”

The word face is too small a word to call my face that. My face needs a bigger word. Like countenance.

I wanted to inexplicably roundhouse kick these triplets who were walking toward me.

There’s a debate on whether or not to use the dollar coin solely and kill dollar bill production, or to keep the status quo. Some people really do hate change.

So the lady at the grocery counter this morning asks the guy in line in front of me if he prefers paper or plastic. This cat says, “Well, I prefer to pay with my bank card.” Unable to take it, I just went to another line.

Say this on Thanksgiving: Felicitous Meleagris gallopavo diurnal course, populace! No one will acknowledge your dumb ass.

Just heard a woman say, “I have a man crush on Channing Tatum.” What?

A gift card is really a gift from an indecisive person to you so that you can use it to buy that person something nice.

There’s a dating website called BlackPeopleMeet.com. One day, I got an email from BlackPeopleMeat.net. Let me just tell you now. They are not the same site.

Full-finger rings are cool…sometimes. You have to have a certain panache to pull it off. And if you don’t, then pull it off. The ring, that is. I saw one the other day. Looked sort of like Art Deco meets Art Nouveau. Pretty eclectic. However, I quickly realized that I can’t wear one without looking like one of three things: 1) a broke-ass dragonslayer who somehow ended up in the wrong time period…who happens to be black, 2) some depressed goth kid who scratches people’s backs for money…and happens to be black, or 3) or some modern-day knight who can’t afford a whole shield and uses his ring instead…and happens to be a reject from a Prince cover band.

Every time Taylor Swift sings or a song of hers is played somewhere in the world, an angel baby dies.