Five Awkward Restroom Situations
SITUATION 1:
Once standing in line in a men’s restroom, I heard a guy tell his friend that he was standing at the urinal once, and the dude standing next to him at the adjacent urinal looked over and said to him, “You have nice forearms.”
The awkwardness of that encounter is magical. You don’t know if he’s honestly complimenting your forearms, or if he just happened to peek over your guns to see your pistol.
The only thing worse than saying that would be if he said, “Nice pythons.”
SITUATION 2:
You walk into a public restroom and head straight for the handicap stall. Why? Because it’s the luxury suite of any restroom. More legroom. A hook to hang your hat and jacket. You could throw a block party in there. Suddenly, someone starts beating on the door, yelling for you to hurry up and get out. You shout back at him, cussing him out and telling him to go to hell. When you come out of the handicap stall, you see a guy in a wheelchair’s been waiting there the whole time. You ain’t handicapped. He’s probably wet himself by now. You’re an ass.
SITUATION 3:
When you see someone fall in the restroom. Should you help him? Should you leave him there? Either way, that poor guy is a goner. He won’t die from the fall, but from the impending complication of illnesses he contracted from touching the floor in a men’s room. Touching the floor in the men’s room is like having the “Outbreak” monkey wipe his ass with its hand and then letting it put his hands in your mouth to massage your sore throat. Nice knowing ya.
SITUATION 4:
When I’m at the bathroom urinal, what makes you think that I want to hold a conversation with you? The close proximity of our genitalia doesn’t automatically warrant any small talk, chit chat, etc. I ain’t thinking about the weather, the game last night, the new girl in Finance, or anything. In fact, when I’m pissing, I’m just listening to the sound of my own high-pressurized pee slam up against finely handcrafted porcelain. Everlasting calm. The sound of serenity. Why do you have to mess that up?
SITUATION 5:
While inconveniently working at a convenience store, I became an intense people-watcher. Whether spotting some kids who were about to rob the store or just observing the latest old lady trying to get over on a fellow cashier with expired coupons, I had a sharp attention to detail. So I start noticing this big guy (6’3″, 280+ lbs.) coming into the store every other day at about 5:40 PM. Always with a shifty look in his eyes, he’d walk around the perimeter of the store 2 to 3 times, head over to the hair products aisle, stay in that area (out of my sight) for a few minutes, and then go to the restroom in the back. About 10 minutes later, he’d walk back up to the front of the store and leave, usually without buying nothing more than a pack of gum or a candy bar…and panty hose. Because I would work the floor too, I’d have to leave the register and help restock the aisles when store traffic was slow. I’d also have to clean the restrooms at closing. One day, I had to restock some panty hose, which was near the hair products section. I stocked 9 panty hose packages before I was called back up to the register. I didn’t return to the panty hose section until closing when I noticed that one was missing. When I cleaned the men’s restroom, I found some opened panty hose packaging in the trash. This happened for the next few weeks, only when this guy came in around 5:40 PM. Sometimes, I would find the panty hose packaging alongside a candy bar or gum wrapper. You put 2 and 2 together. Nice guy too. Very polite. Well-mannered. Just liked to wear panty hose.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 