I RUN HOT
I run hot. I am the most warm-blooded mammal I know. When I ran track in high school, my shirt would be drenched during the group warm-up. I’d look around and everyone else was bone dry. We were just stretching! The running came later. Everyone tells me I feel hot, and they all feel frigid to me. A friend of mine is my direct opposite. Runs cold, loves summer and hates winter. I run hot, love winter and hate summer. Running hot causes me to do a couple of things: 1) sweat like a pig, even in the cold; and 2) have some seriously oily and greasy skin. There are advantages and disadvantages. For instance, I don’t need to buy any oils to cook with, but I do smell like bacon occasionally on hot days. Here are a few others:
Unleaded is just a misspelling of Undelaned. Yep, I can power your car.
The Gulf Coast oil spill was actually caused by me trying to wading in the water near New Orleans for about 20 minutes.
When lighthouses need repairs, I’m routinely asked to step in. A beam of light is usually then bounced off my shiny forehead.
Able to slide in and out of a variety of spaces, I make an excellent cat burglar.
Sometimes on the weekends, I perform on Hollywood Boulevard or at Griffith Observatory. You may know me as the Mirror Man.
A fairly common expression is to say “no sweat” when one means that a task was easy to get done. It’s not something that I can say, though. It’s something that I could never say. I replace “no sweat” with the amount of perspiration said task caused me, such as “2.2 liters” or “4.91 gallons.”
I broke the sound barrier when my mom was in labor with me. They say it was like the perfect hike from a center to a quarterback—only much, much faster. The doctor had to catch me with a baseball catcher’s mitt soaked in Palmolive for 3 days, in order to cut the grease. It’s a record that still stands to this day.
There are times when I fall asleep in the bedroom, and wake up in the next room. I suspect that I’m sleep sliding again.
The phrase “Make it rain (in the club)” originated from me sweating profusely in several Atlanta nightclubs in the 1990s. Sometimes even activating the overhead sprinklers because of the heat that I generate from just standing and doing the Bankhead Bounce. It had nothing to do with throwing around money then.
It takes me 3 hours to shower, chiefly because I sweat when I shower. It’s like a shower in a shower. By the time I’m clean, I’m dirty again. I need help.
I provide Slip ‘n’ Slide services for kids’ parties and what not. I do have one warning. My slides are extra slippery. This experience could either be the best time of your kid’s life, or it could suck. Really suck.
I am required by federal law to always live within 2,000 feet of a fire station. In the case of a fire, the firefighters can just scoop me up in the fire truck; suspend me over the burning house or building; and just have me sweat all over the fire. Since I’m doing my civic duty tenfold, I have been excluded from jury duty for eternity.
I have blinded over 300,000 people in my lifetime thus far. I can get to such an incomprehensibly extreme level of shininess, so you shouldn’t look at me in direct sunlight.
Air traffic controllers constantly tell me to lower my forehead so that pilots aren’t disturbed by my forehead gleam, which can be seen from space.
Although I have been called a danger to all wildlife, I have also been hailed as a natural source of energy and petroleum.
Grease, the musical, was released in theaters almost exactly 4 months after my birth. It was originally supposed to be about the layer of residue I leave on anything I touch, but the producers thought that a musical about a 1950s high school would be a better sell to audiences.
This summer, I will be debuting my own all-purpose lubricant called “Lubrican.” In stores everywhere.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 
