The Natives’ Tongue

They say that you’re officially an Angeleno once you’ve lived in LA for a decade. My time’s running out then. I’m getting pretty close to that milestone. So before I am required to wear Dodger blue, around-the-clock sunglasses, and Chucks, this will be the first in a short series of observational literature dedicated to the land of yoga pants, egg whites, and car chases. This also goes out to the people. The natives. The LA born, bred, and raised. Not the transplants like myself who have made it our home and have, according to one LA native, “used our resources, clogged up our freeways, and taken our parking spaces.” So here you go, LA. With much love, this one’s for you, baby.

UNIQUE THINGS ABOUT LOS ANGELES

1) In LA, signaling while you drive is not an indicator that you want to switch lanes. It’s how you tell other drivers that you want to be passed. The second you put on your turn signal, every driver behind you within a mile and a half will accelerate to pass you. They will honk at you, flip you off, and then get in front of you just to slow down. It’s a psychological move. An intimidation tactic. They don’t drive any better than you do. You gotta stay tough in these streets. You can’t let them bully you, son. Which is why I ride the train.

2) The most mundane, commonplace things that happen anywhere else are the most exciting and extreme of things in California. Time after time, I hear nothing but superlatives being used here. “Oh my god! That is the best show ever!” “Oh my god! I am starrrrving.” “Oh my god! She is the coolest person ever!” “Oh my god! That was the greatest OMG I’ve ever said!” “Driving to the Valley takes forever.” According to this logic, nothing should ever surprise anyone here. The Big One? Pffft. The Biggest One happened several times yesterday. An earthquake is just nature’s way of redecorating your house and mixing up the Feng shui a little. Mudslides? Sheeeeit. Mothers give birth to their children on mudslides out here. The best thing ever to happen has already happened here and it continues to happen every day, getting better with each time.

3) Illegal U-turns are perfectly legal here. I’ve seen a person heading south make a U-turn to get to a Subway parking lot and hold up all of the northbound traffic. All for what? A $5 footlong?! She was willing to risk thousands of dollars of damage to her car, not to mention the lives of everyone else on the street, just so she can get some sub and a drink?? She probably didn’t even get chips. The nerve.

4) In LA, you can wear anything your heart desires. Anything. I do mean anything. I’ve seen a woman wearing a plaid flannel shirt with a polka dot skirt and some pinstriped sneakers that made my eyes bleed. When I first moved here, there were people wearing sweatpants with blazers and sandals. It’s pretty easy to tell here who was stopped and frisked by the fashion police and who was just straight up beaten mercilessly and Rodney King’d by them. You can get away with wearing something in this town that would get you shot by your mama in any other U.S. town. I’ve seen a homeless guy walk up to one of these local fashionistas and drop money in their hat and say, “It’ll get better.”

5) LA people speak a language only they can understand. That language is called Traffic. There’s a SNL skit called “The Californians” that’s all about this. While the voices are somewhat exaggerated in that skit, the content of what they’re saying is absolutely true. Hearing two Angelenos talk about traffic directions probably sounds like what it would sound like if an old dial-up modem could talk with a fax machine over coffee. All you hear is numbers. “Well, Jenniferrrr, I took the 110 to the 101 and then to the 10 eastbound, which runs you into the 60, and that’ll take you to the 5, just stay to the left and hop on the 105, and if you multiply the 105 times two then you get the 210, which you’ll have to double back and drive on the 105 twice so that it becomes the 210. But by all means, avoid the 405.”

6) I’ve written about this before, but it’s worth bringing up again. Rain. What Mount Vesuvius was to the ancient Romans of Pompeii, rain is the modern-day Angeleno. If you want to do a social experiment to see how people would act in the event of the apocalypse, just wait until there’s rain in the local forecast. I’ve seen people leave work at noon because it MIGHT rain at 10 PM. I’ve seen folks take their children out of daycare so fast when it’s about to rain, you’d think that the sky was dropping down millions of watery paratrooping child molestors. One time it started drizzling at work, and everyone ran to the window in terror in hopes that the sound of raindrops they were hearing was all a grand hoax. Just say the word “raindrops” and you’ll see raindrops forming in their eyes. But ironically, everyone’s happy after the rain stops. Why? Because now they don’t have to wash their cars.

7) People hate ventilation here. I’m mainly talking about the bus. They would rather choke to death in a fog of their collective humidity and sweat than crack open a window. This I will never understand. At first, I thought it was because it was cold to them outside, but this was not the case. They don’t open the windows on hot days, either. Maybe it’s protection from the smog. Maybe there’s some unified front against wind and fresh air that I don’t know about it. Sometimes, I’ll open a window to see what kind of looks I get. They stare like I just unleashed a chemical weapon on the bus. The only time a window will get opened is when a smelly homeless person gets on the bus. CLACK, CLACK! That was the sound of 20 bus windows opening in unison.

8) Avocados are the cornerstore of Cali cuisine. Take any dish in the world. Go ahead. Pick one. What’s your favorite? Oh, really? Yeah, that’s a good one. I like it, too. Do this for me, OK? Take an avocado. You have it? Alright. Now take that avocado in your hand and place it on your meal. BOOM, SON! Your food’s just been Californiafied! That goes for anything. Sandwiches, burgers, omelettes, apples, oranges, Tandoori chicken, cotton candy, shark meat, whatever. Put an avocado on top of an avocado. What do you have? Yup. Double Californiafied! Tell a friend.

9) None of the natives like each other. There is a geographically based disdain in this city like none I’ve ever seen before. The folks in the north (the Valley) don’t like to drive to the South Bay, and vice versa. The folks on the Westside don’t like to travel east, and many of the Eastsiders don’t really see a need of going to the “uppity” Westside. I live right in the middle. If a citywide turf war ever goes down, then I’ll be going down, too. Underground. With the mole people. And the purported methane buildup in this area.

10) Everything is awesome. It’s the one word that everyone here has said at least once in the last 3 seconds. I’m pretty sure that LA actually stands for Lotsa Awesomeness. At the local spelling bees, I’m fairly certain that the only word the kids have to spell is “awesome.” If “Dawson’s Creek” took place in LA instead of on the East Coast, it would’ve been called “Awesome’s Creek.” Depending on who says it and how it’s said, it can mean the absolutely everything and completely nothing. It’s probably the most used language in the region, surprisingly outpacing Spanish, English, and Traffic.