The Other C8H10N4O2
I’ve figured out the origin story for a comic book character I’ve been thinking about writing. This character’s name is Useless Coworker. Useless Coworker is extremely lazy, doesn’t want to ever take responsibility, and do a little work as possible. So once upon a time, another hardworking coworker decided to take a dump in the restroom, but forgot to flush the commode. The crap took on a life of its own, climbed out of the toilet, and began working here immediately.
I want to create a pilot episode of a show called The Pilot.
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The following exchange is in reference to a man having to pay $5,001 in damages for urinating in his coworkers’ coffee:
ME: http://gawker.com/man-ordered-to-pay-5-001-for-peeing-in-co-workers-cof-1561348896
FRIEND: dude, that is so dumb… he put too much lol. gotta do it like The Help and make it all appetizing so they drink it all lol
ME: yeeeeaaaaaaaaah
haha
FRIEND: 5001 is a lot of money to pay for piss AND jail
ME: it is
He needs to save some money to buy a bodyguard in jail.
Dudes are gonna be like, “So…we heard that you like to whip your penis out…”
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Overheard two people talking about waiting on the Big Blue Bus. Mins later, a bus appears and comes towards us. In a semi-frantic manner, the duo yell out, “Is that it? Is that the bus?” The bus was black and white. In my mind, I pushed them both in front of it.
I wish I knew Korean so I could start arguments with these K-town teenagers on the Wilshire bus. A group of them keeping looking at me, and judging by the way they’re dressed, I think they want to challenge me to a dance battle.
Right after babies are born, all they do is sleep. What do you honestly have to be tired about, babies? You JUST started life.
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I was leaving the grocery store the other day when a store employee walked by me. She was exiting and probably heading home after her shift. She carried a bag full of cupcakes. A few feet away, an old lady saw her cupcakes and called out to her.
OLD LADY: Excuse me, miss. Where did you get the cupcakes?
WORKER: They’re everywhere.
The employee left, leaving the old lady looking very confused.
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Why do so many girls tilt their heads when they take pictures? Jump on any social media platform, and you’ll see hundreds of photos of apparently water-logged women. That head tilt is akin to the dogs do when they look confused. There is an actual condition called Wry Neck Syndrome. It develops in infants. Whereas Wry Neck Syndrome is very serious, the millions of head-tilting, selfie-addicted folks are suffering from Tryingtolookcutebylookingstupid-itis. That’s the clinical name.
Why do all butterflies look like their flying for the very first time?
It has been pointed out to me that I look like a disheveled, non-matching homeless vagrant when I go to the gym.
The other day, I ordered an old-fashioned. It was unusually sweet. I take that back. It was incredibly sweet. It was like a kiwi and a date cried over it.
I like watching people who type like the keyboard is hot.
Every spring, I get a kick out of the names of the horses in the Kentucky Derby. Humans should have Kentucky Derby names, too. A few of the names that I came up with for myself are Tarantula Spatula, Slewfoot Two-Stepper, Harpsichord Almond Butter, Trade Her Toes, Jamburger With Grease, Google It Bitch, Tadpole Stripper, Ladyfingers, and Keith.
Sometimes, I sleep on my face and it’ll feel like a rather large lady smacked me with her 50-pound breasts for about 6 hours straight.
I want to start a sexy video blog like Tyrese, dress up and act like Tyrese, and tell women to do the opposite of what he advises.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 