Dreamboat Body, Shipwreck Face

“There’s a war going on outside, no man is safe from
You can run but you can’t hide forever
from these, streets that we done took
You walking with ya head down; scared to look…”
—Prodigy (of Mobb Deep), “Survival Of The Fittest”

Do you have to sneak up on a glass of water to take a sip? Are people always telling you to stop making faces when you’re not making faces? When you walk into the bank, do they turn off all the surveillance cameras?

If you are, then let me be the first or latest to tell you…you ugly. Or average looking. It doesn’t matter. They’re pretty much the same in this world of selfies, egomaniacs, shallow bastards, and body alterations. There are two kinds of people in this world: the beautiful people and the rest of us. As a member of the latter group, I’ve seen firsthand the injustices that folks of my ilk have to endure. That’s the war that’s going on outside, and a lot of people are scared to look…at us.

It’s pretty well known that attractive people get a ton of breaks in life. Absolutely. You can be dumb as a sack of rocks, and still get hooked up with just about anything. And that’s just how it is. It’s a fact of life. Is it right? Naw. Is it real? Entirely. I sense denial out there. Maybe you don’t think you’re one of the millions of normal-to-ugly people out there. Don’t be fooled. You may be one of us and not even know it. We’ll see.

I once saw this really attractive girl trying to parallel park. She couldn’t do it to save her life or the life of anyone else. In fact, she almost took a few lives trying to straighten out her car. In the middle of all of this, this random guy just showed up and offered to parallel park her car for her. Total stranger. And without a second delay, she gave him her keys. And…he parked the car. This only happened because she was good-looking. Had she been ugly, she would have had to park her own damn car. In fact, people would have started throwing her their keys to park their cars. She would’ve been made the valet all of a sudden. “Here! Park my car, ya fuggin’ beast!”

Pretty people are pretty damn ridiculous. They don’t know how to do the basic things in life, because they’re used to having others falling over themselves to do things for them. Case in point: One day during my freshman year in college, I was washing clothes in the laundry room. This model-looking, Zoolander, Blue Steel faced guy rolls up to me and asks me how to work the washers and dryers. Baffled, I ask him if he’s never washed clothes before. He said that he never had to because his mom and other people always did it for him. Are you kidding me? A grown man who doesn’t know how to wash or dry his own clothes. I showed him how to operate the machines. He probably wanted me to wash them for him. Hopefully, that fool figured out how to divide lights and darks. He may still be there trying to stuff dollar bills in the coin slots.

When you’re ugly, you pay more taxes. You simply do. Every time you show your face in public, Uncle Sam keeps a tab and taxes dat ass! All Americans have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You go out in public, and there will be those who’ll protest and claim that your face is fuckin’ up all three for them. You can get taxed for that. Did you pay more this year then you did last year? Is your tax refund less this year than it was last year? Guess what? You just paid an ugly tax, homie.

When you’re ugly, you better learn how to swim, take self-defense classes, run fast, etc. In the event of some natural disaster, accident, brawl, or Doomsday, no one is going to want to save you or help you out. In times of crisis, ugly people have to fend for themselves. Pretty people get the lifeboats and life preservers. The rest of us get bags of nachos and backpacks full of kitchenware instead of parachutes. You will be forgotten and avoided.

You can, however, drive down a one-way street with ease. Just watch the cars part like the Red Sea for you and your mug. You don’t even need a helmet. Any wreck or accident is only going to improve that face.

Pretty people get lost easily, too. They’re not accustomed to looking at maps. Or having a decent sense of direction. The only directions they know are “straight ahead” from all of that catwalking, and “straight across” from all of those cocaine lines.

Uglies and normals, never get into a hostage situation, if you can help it. If so, there will be no negotiating. You will not be traded or let go free. The best thing for you to do is to try to force the gunman in a corner and stare at him for as long as you can…or until he turns into stone.

When you’re ugly, you don’t get sick. Bacteria stays the hell away from you. People start calling you Lysol because one look from you can kill up to 99.9% of germs, viruses, and bacteria.

When you’re ugly, your clothes treat you bad. Ever been throwing on a T-shirt when the neck hole closes up? It definitely doesn’t want to pass over your face and doesn’t want anyone else to see you, either.

Being ugly enables you to commit just about any nocturnal crime you want. Hold up a gas station. Go on a high-speed chase. It doesn’t matter. You will always get away because the overhead police helicopter will never shine its light on you. You are free to roam about in the glory of your ugliness.

When you’re ugly, you will probably never see a full movie theater, especially if you happen to be on the screen.

I’m just sort of rambling here, so please don’t expect any academic analysis here. I’m just concerned that there may be some misguided, uninformed uglies/normals who think they’re batting for Team Pretty. Sheeeeeit. Some of you are probably saying to yourself, “Ain’t no way he’s talking about me and my friends.” Well, you’re wrong. Uglies can’t identify other uglies. You see, when two uglies are in close proximity, their uglinesses cancel one another out. Therefore, they only see each other as beautiful. So here’s a few scenarios that may help you better figure out if you’re uglily normal or normally ugly…or just a pretty-ass muthafucka.

• You’re so ugly, your shadow quit.
• You find yourself on the edges of group pictures quite often.
• When you enter a room, people slowly start turning their backs toward you.
• Ever look at yourself in the mirror and your reflection frowns at you?
• No one seems to make eye contact with you when you’re talking to them.
• When you played hide ‘n’ seek, you noticed that you were the only one hiding and no one was seeking.
• You try to get someone to spot you bench pressing at the gym, and no one volunteers. They don’t want to have to look down at your ugly face making another an even uglier face as you strain to lift.
• Ever go into someone’s house, and they have no mirrors at all? That person has come to terms with his or her ugliness.
• Ever walk up to someone and try to give them five, but all they give you is a “What the fuck?!”
• Ever see a blind man turn in your direction and then inexplicably put his arm over his eyes?
• It’s a known fact that it’s not a bright move to stare into the sun. However, ugly people can stare into the sun all day long. You see, ugliness can bend light rays, which prevents UV light from damaging one’s eyes. Even the sun doesn’t want to illuminate an ugly face.
• Ever try to video chat or Skype someone, and the darn thing refuses to work?
• Ever go to buy yourself glasses, and the clerks try to sell you a welder’s mask?
• When you bake gingerbread men cookies, do the gingerbread men hop up and run away?
• Ever wink at a baby and then the baby starts crying?
• Ever look at a jack o’lantern and then all of a sudden, its mouth closes and it rolls away?
• You’re ugly when you try to get ketchup out of the bottle but it goes back further into it. Stop looking at it. You’re scaring it.
• When you look at your phone to check the time, does the phone shut itself off?
• When you look at your phone to answer a friend’s incoming call, does your friend’s picture just fade away?
• You will probably spend most of your life in solitude. Almost like you’re an exile or outcast. Your face is the leper, and your body’s just the vessel to take it around.

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
—Mark Twain

May 31, 2014 | Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment