Heatwave Frostbite

This sore throat is becoming a pain in my neck.

The new poster for the movie The November Man has it coming out in theaters August. I wonder if he knows that. Obviously, November is his month. He does all of his best stuff in that month. He’s probably just not feeling it in the other months.  Who knows what this man’s preferred method of seasonal operation is?  No one ever asked him.  August might be a little too early for him to pull off all the feats that earned him the name The November Man.

There’s a movie out now called Boyhood. It’s 3 hours long. Any boy who watches that movie will be a man by the time it’s over.

So…if your mama never gave you anything, are you still supposed to shake it?

Women who dress like baby dolls have to admit they’re displaying pedophiliac behavior. You’re 45. Why are you dressing like you’re 4 months old? Just stop it. Booties, bibs, bottles.  C’mon now.  That’s not fashion.  That’s a sickness.  Take the pacifier out of your mouth.  You wear Depends, not Huggies.

SPCA: Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. I need to start a human version of that. SPCHA…Cruelty to Humans by Animals. Why not?

“You ever think that snakes see trains and get their minds blown? ‘How did he get so big?'” –My brilliant coworker

Sometimes, I get so happy that the two halves of my brain split apart and start clapping.

Is it me, or does looking at the new Gotham commercials and billboards make you hungry too? Gotham…Gotham..Got ham…Got ham? Do you smell bacon?

I know a guy who couldn’t laugh in a masculine tone if he brushed his teeth with testosterone toothpaste.

It’s ironic how jury duty is like being in prison. You can’t move around. You’re forced to stay in one place. Lawyers ask you questions. You feel pressured to lie or tell the truth.  No one wants to be there.  There are regulated lunch breaks. Hell, that sounds like work!

The other day, I hurt my upper ankle area while walking to the gym. It hurt for a while, but when I ran on the treadmill, it felt much better. Later on that night, I put an ice pack on it so that it would keep the swelling down as a precaution. I sat down and watched TV. Two hours, I took the ice pack off. I noticed that my skin in some areas felt hot. The following day, the hot areas had developed into dark blisters. I then realized that I forgot to put the ice pack in a cloth sleeve or towel. I had applied the ice pack directly onto my skin for two hours. This was all during a heat wave, and my apartment is known to get pretty hot. Therefore, I believe I’m one of the few people to have self-inflicted frostbite in a hot apartment during a summer heat wave of 110+ degrees.

There are cars called Maxima and Optima. Clearly, there should be a car called Minima, which would have the absolute minimal features and barely even street legal. Just enough to get you from point A to point…Shit! It broke down again!

The term “slacks” misrepresents its purpose. You wear slacks when you want to look nice and presentable. There’s nothing slack about slacks. A lot of slackers can’t even muster up the energy to put on pants.

—-

So a crackhead sat next to me at the bus stop and smiled. Then she said, “McDonald’s!”

The rest of the conversation went like this:

“McDonald’s?”
“Yeah! McDonald’s. You said we go McDonald’s.”
“I said what?”
“McDonald’s. McDonald’s. McDonald’s!”
“OK. Burger King has crispier fries, though.”

She fell asleep immediately.

The bus pulled up, and I got on it.

FIN