Eh, Bilogo Ginkoba?

“BUT I’M ME!”
–an actual quote I overheard from someone who is still playing catch-up in the mental game

Garages should be renamed Carages. I mean, when’s the last time you drove a gar?

My friend was having a hard time opening a bottle of Advil. You know how you have to align the arrows together to pop the cap? Well, this particular bottle proved to be pretty formidable. After she tried for several minutes, she nearly flipped her lid. Hurting her hands in the process, I told her to be careful and to not break her hand. I could see the headline now: WOMAN BREAKS HER HAND TRYING TO OPEN PAIN KILLERS; WILL NEED EVEN MORE PAIN KILLERS NOW.

I’m seeing a lot of cyclists dressed like they’re professional cyclists. Stop it! Stop racing down Highland Boulevard like you’re in the Tour de France. Fool, you ain’t Greg LeMond! You’re Boyd Lloyd from Accounting. Get out of those spandex! You look you were rejected from an audition for MC Hammer backup dancers rejects.

—-
Saw a Fairfax High Seniors shirt that read:

Behind us are our memories
Beside us are our friends
Before us are our dreams

Nice sentiment, but they should revisit that slogan about 10 years after high school and revise it to:

Behind us are our saggy asses
Beside us are spare tires
Before us are our beer guts
—-

So many Amazon reviewers aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, like this guy below. This is the review verbatim (some parts I’ve set in bold for emphasis):

0 of 5 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars
This mailing DID NOT have the short story I asked for!! Bummer
September 17, 2012
By C. H. Mason “Reader” (New York City)

This review is from: Eight Men: Short Stories (Paperback)

I needed a particular story by the great Richard Wright but unfortunately, although I specifically said this was the work I needed, the selection sent did not have it within! That was not a happy discovery!

*** *** *** ****

OK, here’s my beef. This guy is going to give a book of short stories 2 stars because he thinks that he can request a particular short story to be included in a book of short stories that’s already been published.

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Earlier this week, I was waiting to cross the street with two other people. We were all strangers. Two of us carried umbrellas, while the other wore a raincoat. The sky was cloudy, and puddles were everywhere. Then, some guy joins us at the cross walk. He opens his mouth and the following comes out, “Oh, wow! Did it rain?”

Sometime later, I realized that we had missed the last 7 light changes, because we were all taking turns slapping that guy.
—-

Recently, my memory hasn’t been the best. So, the other day, I decided that I needed to try some ginkgo biloba to improve my memory. I couldn’t remember that ginkgo biloba was called ginkgo biloba. Damn shame.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SEE YOU IN 2015!