Jumping Jehoshaphat!

What’s the point of makeup? The fact that you’re wearing makeup implies that you don’t truly look like that, so wearing makeup fools no one. So if no one’s fooled, then there’s no point of wearing it.

All State, State Farm, and Farmers could all merge and become All State Farmers.

KFC has a “Win a 12pc for a year” contest going on. I saw a banner for it in the window. What does that mean? Will they give you a piece every month?

So I’m standing on the side of the road when I see this truck pass by.  Is it me or does this logo look like a jock strap?  Take a look.

When the delivery person is late with your food and you call the restaurant and they say that he’ll be there any minute…which means any minute from now until the end of time…I don’t want my stuff any minute. I want it this minute.

Salted caramel is the ear wax of Jesus.

Sometimes, I’m as confused as a cross-eyed girl double-dutching in a hall of mirrors.

The Oscars are nearly 4 hours long. That’s roughly as long as two movies in a cinema. Some of these award shows are so long that the entire award show should be shown as a movie. The audience will just sit there and watch a movie for 4 hours. It’ll be a movie of them receiving and presenting awards. Then they broadcast a movie of them watching the movie to the rest of America.

Ever been so tired that the only thing that would give you energy is a bump of cocaine?

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Interesting signs in my neighborhood:

1) Yard

2) Car

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Went to the post office the other day. They were out of forever stamps. The post office being out of forever stamps is like Staples running out of staples.

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While hanging out with a slightly husky friend at a bar…
FRIEND: You gonna eat those fries, yo?
ME: Of course, man. Get off my fries.
FRIEND: I’m just sayin’, you ain’t touch them in a few minutes.
ME: That’s because we talkin’, man. You want me to be rude and have fries hanging out my mouth when we talkin’.
FRIEND: Ha ha! You right. You right.
ME: Plus, I thought you didn’t like sweet potato fries.
FRIEND: Well, don’t get me wrong, I like sweet potatoes just as much as the next man–
ME: From the looks of you, it looks like you like them more than the next man.
EX-FRIEND: Kiss my ass.

These tricycles with push handles…c’mon, parents! Really? You’re teaching your kids that they don’t even have to push the pedals. Wack. Already spoiled. Going through life expecting someone to always do the work for them.

I keep hearing Americans pronounce “literally” as li-tra-lee. Stop it, America! You’re America, not Britain. The next American accent I hear saying “literally” incorrectly is going to be stuffed into a car boot with about an anvil that weighs about 200 stones that will be…literally…pushed into the English Channel.

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I was walking with a friend long ago on some fairgrounds. We were talking about the stuff that teenage boys talk about: video games, sports, girls…

ROSCOE: So whatcha think?
ME: ‘Bout what?
ROSCOE: Lana, man. I think she likes me.
ME: She does?
ROSCOE: Yeah! Check it. She’s all, like, “Hey Roscoe, I like your shoes.” Then she be doin’ shit like, “Roscoe, when we gonna get together and hang out?” See what I’m sayin’? Lana is all up on me. Tryin’ to see where I’m going, tryin’ to see where I be at. She’s droppin’ hints.
ME: Watch out. That’s bullshit.
ROSCOE: Huh? What do you mean? Were you even listenin’? Lana loves this. This right here. Me, fool. Everybody tells me she does. Her girls, Tracy and Marla and ’em, told me the other day after school. Said Lana talks about me all the time at lunch.
ME: Bruh, that’s bullshit.
ROSCOE: Aiight, D! I’m ’bout to steal on yo’ ass right now. Everything I say, you tellin’ me that’s bullshit. What the fuck? I thought you we were boys?!
ME: Look down, man! You’re getting close to steppin’ in bull shit. I’ve been tellin’ you this whole time. There’s a cow pasture right over there. Smell it?
ROSCOE: Oh.