WC TP ADD B12 WTF?

Went to a Japanese fusion restaurant. Looked at the menu. It was all Japanese food. How is this fusion? What is it being fused with? Air?

Feet are nasty. I don’t touch anyone’s feet. If I have to scratch my foot, I rub it up against some tree bark.

Got hit on by a lesbian on the bus the other day. She said that I could make her switch teams. When she left the bus later, she yelled out to me, “Bye, cutie patootie!” Still got it!

A possum that’s awesome should be called pawesome. Ugh. Sorry. That was just pawful.

Some smokers are funny to me, especially when they’re smoking early in the morning. WTF? Didn’t you just brush your teeth?

http://gadgets.ndtv.com/mobiles/news/microsoft-study-finds-human-attention-span-has-dropped-to-just-8-seconds-693468
The researchers collected data from surveys of more than 2,000 Canadians over the age of 18.
Said that Canadians have an 8-second attention span.
Hell, the American data would come back as 3 seconds.

Ever seen someone who just always looks wet? Not sweaty, like myself. I’m talking about wet. Like fresh-out-of-the-pool wet. I have. Don’t touch them. Looking like a permanently honey-glazed human.

What does “under my belt” mean? This phrase is used when someone suggests that they have achieved or acquired a certain level of experience. But what’s really under your belt? Your gut, fool! So if you’re getting experience at eating any particular food, then that phrase has both a literal and figurative meaning. “I’m glad I’ve got some Moon Pie and deep-fried Oreos under my belt. That experience is really going to come in handy when I destroy the dessert table at my sister’s wedding reception.”

You know what I’m getting really good at? Opening a restroom door just as some dude’s trying to enter. I catch him at that exact moment when he shifts his body weight forward to lean against the door to push it open. But instead, I swing the door open, taking that momentum that he’s built up and using it against him as he comes flying into the bathroom. I don’t do it on purpose, but I’ve done that muvvafuvva about 4 times in a row in the last 3 days! I’m a bathroom door psychic. Lavatory Laboratory Nostradamus. The Palmist of the Potty. Toilet Paper Prophet. Sink Seer. Toilet Roll Tarot Reader. Washroom Wizard. Urinal Cake Clarivoyant. Bowel Movement Medium.

—
FRIEND: So what’s going on on your end?
ME: Well…what’s going on on my end is basically the stuff that comes out of one’s end…sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
—

It was so hot that when I tried to take my clothes out of the washer, they fought me back. Didn’t want to get into the dryer.

Upon dying, the human body can release gases and waste that remain within. So in essence, the last thing you may do is shit on the world.

My first vehicle: http://originalbigwheel.us/images/ChipsBW.jpg
Way better than my current vehicle: http://i.imgur.com/gkOWK76.jpg

Someone broke into my friend’s house and stole some stuff. He called the police to investigate. He told the cops that the carpenters that worked on his house recently may be the culprits. He pointed them over to a section of the house where their fingerprints were, and suggested that they may match prints from the burglary. The cops didn’t want to check the prints because they didn’t want to falsely accuse the carpenters. So essentially, the cops didn’t want to incriminate the criminals. Que?

Mascara brushes look like little toilet brushes.

—
People need to stop making personal and business calls at work, especially at their desks. They need to take their phones outside. The ones I know talk really loud and practically yell every word into the phone, like they’ve been raised in the woods or in a barn. They talk like it’s the first time anyone’s ever used a phone. Like they’re talking with Alexander Graham Bell on the very first phone call. “HEY, ALEX! THIS TELEPHONE THING REALLY WORKS! CAN YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS LEEK LEEK!”

—

A lot of white women can’t stand dark poultry meat. I’m telling you. I’ve been in line at different delis where someone will order a salad and will freak out when it’s time to select the meat. “Oh, no! Oh, my god! No legs or thighs. White chicken breast, please.” Calm down, ladies. The U.S. Department of Agriculture states that an ounce of boneless, skinless turkey breast has 46 calories and 1 gram of fat, while an ounce of boneless, skinless thigh contains about 50 calories and 2 grams of fat. The difference is miniscule. Miniscule like your waistline. Plus, dark meat has more iron, zinc, riboflavin, thiamine, and vitamins B6 and B12, yo. So relax and stop acting like eating dark poultry meat is the same as eating a whole birthday cake.

Yesterday, I was on a bus so slow that a pregnant woman had a baby on the bus…and then her baby grew up…and had her own baby.

Got on a Greyhound bus. 3-hour trip. 8 hours later, we finally got to our destination. Got off the bus, and the greyhound on the side was a turtle.

While grocery shopping recently, I saw some tissue with chamomile in it. Why is this a thing? Who needs chamomile for their ass? Is your ass that stressed out? You need your butt to fall sleep? If you drink chamomile tea and wipe your ass with chamomile tea-ssue, then you could fall asleep at both ends.