Submarines With Screen Doors

One of my favorite sayings for utter nonsense is stating that something makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. I’ve never seen a submarine with a screen door, but I have attempted to hurl a half-eaten sub through a hole in a screen door, like a quarterback throwing a football through a hoop at the NFL Combine. What? I was bored.

After discussing an article about the number of commonly used words that are actually trademarked by some company or corporation, a friend of mine, fed up with corporate silliness, replied, “I’m going to trademark “trademark”. And the ™ symbol…which means from now on: trademark™™”

The only difference between humans and animals is that humans don’t think they’re animals.

It was so hot I just looked in the mirror and wept. I was sad, but I also needed the tears as moisture to cool down my face.

People think I’m crying in this heat wave. Nope. That’s eye sweat.

After a sweltering night of humidity and heat, I decided to get a swamp cooler for the bedroom. I was definitely getting a swamp cooler. Or something. Something that blows cool air. Anything. I don’t care if it’s a small chubby Swiss boy trying his best to whistle with an ice cube in his mouth.

I understand that driving long distances can be exhausting. You’re staring out into what seems like a never-ending strip of tar and asphalt for hours on end. But you’re not doing that most of the time. When I hear people complaining about driving short distances like they’re cross-country trips, I just lower my head. Hearing gripes like, “I’m sooo tired. It’s sooo far away. Why do I have to drive downtown?” or “OMG! I’ve been in this traffic for 20 whole minutes. Whhhyyyyy?!” First of all, how can you be tired? You sit down when you drive, which means that you’re pretty much resting while you’re doing the activity that’s causing you so much grief. Once you get home after your “long” drive, what are you going to do? Sit down on the couch. To rest…again! So now resting is making your restless?! I rest my case.

Just saw a business called Freedom Insurance. If there were ever an oxymoron…

How do you sit in the wrong seat on a plane? This guy had seat 9A, but he sat in 22E. Saw a guy sitting in 3A when he should’ve been in 3F. What the hell is the matter, man? Your inability to read your seat designation is an indicator of 3 things, 1) you don’t know the alphabet, 2) you don’t know numbers, and 3) you have to be an absolutely horrendous bingo player.

A petticoat is an underskirt that women can wear under a dress. Soooooooooo…why isn’t a petticoat a coat?

Does it seem sometimes that your butt is too big for the toilet seat? Maybe it’s just me, but there are times I encounter what seems to be a toilet built for miniature humans with bantam bottoms. You have to sit on it at an angle, usually between 45 and 55 degrees. Anything less could result in disastrous consequences.

Worst drivers in the USA? If you ask me, it’s Florida drivers, hands down. Well, mainly because they drive with their hands down.