Cunningham
How is it that vomiting can encompass one of the worst and best feelings that one can experience? The pain of the retching and gagging and then the relief at the end. Sort of like listening to a whole Taylor Swift song.
I saw a sign at a shopping center on the 405 that read, “Over 25 Eateries. Unlimited Taste.” Umm, that is limited. 25 is a limit.
How is it that people don’t want to eat fake food with no GMOs and chemicals and such but soy chicken, soy bacon, and other fake food is OK?
When someone really dumb says that she or he’s trying to recall something “to the best of their knowledge,” then that’s not really saying much.
Cunningham: Another name for a smart pig.
The high-end gym Equinox in Century City has at least 4 valet attendants at 7:00 AM. Hey, lazy rich people! Valet parking at your gym is lazy as hell. It’s too early to be that stupid. You probably have your personal trainer doing your entire workout for you too, huh? You’ll never lose weight and be in shape. You’ll be out of shape and rich for your whole life. You’ll be…wait a second. You’re rich. You don’t need to have good health. Forget everything I said. How can I be down?
Nickname for that asshole hogging up that one piece of gym equipment that you needed an hour ago: A razorback in a racerback.
Fake booties are on the rise in America. Women, and some men, are resorting to getting injections into their gluteus maximuses. I call them GMO booties. A quick Google search pulled up this info, “The average cost of buttock augmentation with fat grafting is $4,077; buttock implants is $4,580 and buttock lift is $4,509, according to 2014 statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons.” That’s a whole lot of money. You could do other things with that money. How does it feel when you sit down? Maybe like sitting on a stack of cash, like this guy.
Foreigners who move here only to have their first generation kids speak with these annoying American dialects must often rethink their decision to immigrate here and whether or not if it was really worth it.
One of my favorite taco spots is Tacos Por Favor. In their window, they advertise a huarache dish with a big blue corn tortilla. A huarache is a flatbread typically with salsa, onions, cilantro, and meat on it. It also means a type of sandal. At the time of reading that window sign, I didn’t know it meant a food. So my confusion was on the magnitudinous level of an atomic bomb.
Things That Piss Me Off, #3728-E: Guys who wear fedoras or trilby hats every day. Every day! It’s fine to wear one every now and then, but every day? You should be sent to the gallows. Who told you looked cute? That person lied. Back in the day, a suit, hat, and tie were the standard uniform for a man. Everyone wore that. That was then. This is now. And you’re an ass. You make a wrong left in your time machine Prius? Your Rat Pack Halloween costume won’t come off? What? You think you’re Dick Tracy or something? You got a mystery to solve? Here, solve the mystery of why the fuck you’re wearing fedoras every gotdamn day!
My friend’s mom thinks that a booty call and butt dialing is the same thing. She routinely says excellent statements like, “I keep booty calling your sister today, ” and “Sorry for booty calling you last night.”
Signs I Want To See In My Lifetime, #128: “Welcome to the Center of Sexual Harassment. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry to see you go, but we love to see you leave.”
Firefighters in Seattle must be bored out of their minds.
Cats don’t need us. They’re perfectly fine on their own. Dogs, on the other hand, need human interaction. Well, at least for the domesticated ones. Which makes it truly ironic that cats are more like lone wolves than dogs are, while dogs are more pussy than cats are.
If you say “seriously” more than once or twice in a sentence, then I can’t take you seriously.
One of my favorites: Yo mama is so ugly, you have to shave her ass and teach her to walk backwards.
Only “first-world” people say the word “annoyed” or “annoying.” No one anywhere else in the world uses that word so frequently. People who think they have problems that, in the real world, aren’t really problems get annoyed at the smallest inconvenience. No poor, starving person has never had the gall, complete lack of empathy, or insularity to be annoyed because the barista gave him coffee with steamed milk instead of the whipped milk that he had his precious, little heart set on.
A friend has black mold in his apartment building because a repair man did a terrible job. It’s kind of sad when you have to repair what the repairman repaired.
I’m playing the lottery a lot these days just so I can do this in front of millions of people.
Random Knowledge Section:
The clitoris and the penis are the same. For a brief time, that is. When a baby is developing inside the womb, there’s a point when the baby has no physical gender-specific features. So if the baby is to be a girl, that area will form into a clitoris. If the baby is to be a boy, then the area will form into a penis. With that said, let’s talk about steroids. Side effects of anabolic steroid usage include enlargement of the clitoris in women and shrinkage of the testicles in men. It’s kind of amazing that a substance can have the such opposite effects on opposite genders’ organs that are derived from essentially the same physiological matter.
Bitch Session:
There are a group of men out in the world that need to stop being bitches. They’re called men-bitches. Or bitch-men. Or “fuck that guy.” Some traits that men-bitches tend to possess include, but not limited to, the following: passive-aggressive behavior; being self-centered; unreasonably tight pants that are basically jeggings; dyed, frosted, or highlighted hair; colored contact lenses; hipster-isms; frequent whining about things that don’t matter, like his life; a perpetual state of fleeting annoyance; strange obsessive love of cats; expensive tastes while wearing rags and/or low/common/destitute tastes while wearing $5000 in tailored clothing; hair longer than the average woman’s; no callouses on his hands; wears shades at night; has a professional full-scale setup at home for brewing coffee and craft beer; rides a single-speed, fixed gear, fixie bike but lives in a $3000/month loft apartment; constantly chastises women for not dressing up but looks like shit himself; wears an enlarged V-neck T-shirt that his whole body can fit through; does push-ups on his knees; gossips about all day long; always on social media; has hundreds of reviews on Yelp; bowls with a child-size ball; sometimes gets his eyebrows arched, etc. You get the gist of the list.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 