Hot Gahbidge

That awkward moment when you think you have a group of pretty solid friends, talk to a bunch of people, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and notice that you’ve had a booger in your nose the whole time.

Since this vote on whether or not Britain should leave the EU is being called Brexit, if Britain decides to rejoin the EU, will it be called Brentrance?

I had to do an underarm funk check the other day. These fools thought I dabbed on ’em. I yelled out across the way, “Nah, I wasn’t dancing. I was checking to see if I stank.” They won’t make that mistake again.

A woman got on the city bus and complained that the seats weren’t leather. Lady, you can go back from whence your dumb ass came. Ain’t no leather here. What kind of bus did you think you were riding?

…Minutes later, the same woman pulled the cord for the bus to stop. When the doors opened, she spat out the window and said, “Sorry. Had to spit, couldn’t swallow it.” Now, you really need to leave.

Toiletries is probably the most unappealing name for things that you put in your mouth and body.

There’s a video that’s gone viral of a snail eating a mushroom. Can you imagine that? Eating something that’s actually bigger than you? That would be like Kanye eating his ego.

Mobil and Chevron need to get together and do a coin flip to see who’s going to keep the blue, red, and white colors. They are almost always next to one another, and in a rush, that shit gets confusing.

Hearing healthy minded people talk about being healthy makes me want to do as many unhealthy things as humanly possible. I’ll start with a Van Gogh-style ear trim.

I saw someone wearing flesh-toned tights. Flesh-toned tights?! Who’s flesh is cardboard box tan? Because that’s the color I always see.

When the announcer on the loudspeaker at the train station says, “Thanks for going Metro,” I think some guys took it as a directive to dress like bitches.

Being that he’s an icon a long-running educational program, a futuristic TV franchise, and a historical ground-breaking mini-series, LeVar Burton could actually could go back in time and teach some slaves how to read.

Saw a man walking his dog without a leash. The leash was around the man’s neck. Nothing much else to say here. It is what it is.

I can only hear “bro” so many times in a conversation. If it gets excessive, I begin to block out all ambient sounds. I couldn’t even take it if my own brothers were saying it. Some people take it to the extreme by using “bro” as not only a noun but as a verb and preposition, too. What’s worse than that is the term “brah.” How can one be so lazy and noncommittal? Listen to yourself. You took a monosyllabic word and gave up halfway through saying it. “Brooo…aaaaaaaaaaah.”

Saw a Prius and a Maserati almost run into each other. It was a standoff. Didn’t know which asshole I wanted to lose.

A tenant in my building makes the entire floor smell like hot garbage. Smells like a mixture of wet dog fur, spoiled meatloaf, raw eggs, a plate of moldy cheese and crackers, low confidence, heartbreak, and rancid loneliness. I tried to spray some air freshener down that hall the other night. The spray refused to come out of the can.