Adrian’s Aria
Forgive me.
I’ve been dismissive of writing you this missive for a while.
But I found my voice, through a lot of error and even more trial.
This song’s for you. My voice is a bit rusty.
It’s almost been a decade since the day that you passed
Can’t believe how time has flown, but the memories will last
The family misses you dearly, we think of you every day
We all struggle with our lost, we express it every way
I struggle to accept, to come to terms that you’re not here
Saying my name wrong, learning to walk, falling on your rear
From the time you were born, you stole hearts, straight-up robbery
With a 10-year age gap, I wondered if we’d ever have camaraderie
Mama brought you home, there was so much love displayed
For the boy with big almond eyes and a naturally curly high-top fade
Remember when I would pick you up and whisk you around the house?
“Flying Baby,” I called it. Giggling ’til a little drool came out your mouth.
I used to recite Gangstarr’s “DWYCK” and you and Dre would lose your minds.
I’d cross my eyes, say “Shaq Fu,” chase you all over ’til it was dinnertime.
Sometimes, I disliked that you were the baby ’cause everyone spoiled you
I didn’t want you to become a brat, a pain in the ass, royal
You were the only kid I knew who absolutely loved school
Such a passion for knowledge, so much respect for elders and rules
Never wanted to fight anyone, just wanted to make friends
When I felt I was slipping, I’d look to your example to amend
My actions. I know I’m the oldest but I’ve never been perfect
Just did the best I could, hoping that in the end, it’d be worth it
The older you got, the close you and I became
The maturity gap closed as the age gap remained the same
Then just like that, it was Christmas Day, we were all in Chapel Hill
Wondering what the hell happened, the pain we still feel
The day you were diagnosed with cancer made it the family’s worst year
Everyone was trying to be strong while fighting back fear
You remained positive, with those eyes so bright
OFFERING US words of encouragement while showing those pearly whites
I tried to stay strong, Adrian, baby brother, I tried
Reversing my tears’ flow, forcing them to fall on the inside
The entire family prayed in unison for 349 days straight
Prayer of Jabez and anything else that could bring you a positive fate
Well into 2006, we kept the faith while the doctors worked tirelessly
Saw you in September, standing tall and strong like a cypress tree
I was at my new job, learning the ropes, sitting all alone
When I heard a series of buzzes coming from my phone
I picked it up, saw it was our sister calling from the Eastern time zone
Told her hey and asked what was up, Tasha said, “You need to come home.”
At first, I told her I could get home on the weekend, since I was still at work
Had a few things to wrap up, then told her I was glad my new boss wasn’t a jerk
She suggested that I come home now, so I jumped on the next thing smoking
In hindsight, I missed the seriousness and thought she was kinda joking
And I was in strong denial, for she was telling me everything by saying nothing much
That flight was the longest of my life, my mind was somewhere else, losing touch,
The car ride home from the airport was surreal and pretty eerie
I remember cracking jokes to my cousins, but nobody would hear me
It wasn’t until I got home when everything completely hit me
It was all in slow motion, vision blurred, hazy, I walked gently
Hugged Mama at the door, still talking a mile a minute
But when I saw the funeral guestbook near the wall, I felt the world without you in it
I fell to the floor, wailing like a wounded soldier in a war
For at the moment, a bullet hit my heart, I couldn’t feel any more.
The family tried to console me, but they were in their own suffering
They had seen your body deteriorate when it was supposed to be recovering
It really hit me hard. I didn’t eat for days after that.
A zombie in every sense, I was in a daze after that.
I’ve always felt bad because I wasn’t there, the self-hate is immense
I was 3,000 miles away while you were battling that senseless
Disease. Even though, you were the biggest supporter of this westward endeavor
I can never forgive myself for not being there, not a chance ever
As your brother, I should’ve been there to protect you
You would ask me, “How’s LA?” I was amazed that you would select to
Focus on me in our conversations and communications
While you were hooked up to IV’s and getting treatments of radiation
I’m sorry for not being the best big brother you deserved
I should’ve been braver, but I didn’t have the nerve
I’m sorry that you had to go through so much anguish
If I were stronger, that pain I could’ve helped you extinguish.
I’m sorry when you were a baby, I didn’t hold you tighter in my arms
I would’ve shielded you from danger and all bodily harm
I’m sorry that you didn’t make it to your high school graduation
Your class honored you like nothing I’ve ever seen, so much admiration
I wish you could’ve seen your funeral, but I’m sure you saw it from above
The whole damn town showed up, a testament to all the love
Grandma touched your hand in the casket and said, “I’ll be with you soon.”
Exactly six months later, we were all together again, crying at her tomb.
I’m sorry for not telling you how much I loved you when you were alive
My faults I now improve, to be a better man, I strive
Please forgive me for things I can’t understand or fall into the creases
My friend calls it Survivor’s Remorse, I call it Picking Up the Pieces
Again, our parents and siblings all dearly miss you and remember
The world isn’t the same since you left us that December
And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.
It’s taken me 10 years to realize the lesson your entire life would give
The whole time we were trying to keep you alive, you were teaching us how to live.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 