Auld Lang Syne
Parents, calm down with the pink and glitter when dressing your little girls. Please! Sometimes, I’ll see a child walking around looking like the lovechild of a disco ball and a pink highlighter or like a flamingo strutting in one of Liberace’s robes.
Californians love themselves some avocados. You put an avocado on anything and it immediately becomes Californian. Food, etc. That’s how you become a state resident. They give you an avocado and you hold it for 10 minutes.
It’s time for turducken. Aww yeah! But turducken’s ain’t nothing. A gastronomist in the early 19th century wrote about his rôti sans pareil. This “roast without equal” is “a bustard, stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting, and a garden warbler.” I think I was born too late.
Speaking of messiahs, how we know that the name Christy/Christie shouldn’t be pronounced as Cry-stee? Jesus Christy. Right? We could be doing it wrong, see? I’m nodding at your hesistant dismissal of my theory. Got in your head now.
News organizations have to retire the phrase “breaking news.” It’s used way to often. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s lost its shock value. Going forward, “breaking news” should only be used if a comet breaks the sound barrier as it speeds.toward Earth, a person with no ass miraculously breaks wind, or the messiah comes down to break bread with Santa Claus, Michael Jordan, and Michael B. Jordan.
I know someone who was pulled over by cops and with the following: 1) weed with no medicinal license, 2) a license plate that expired 11 months earlier, 3) no car insurance, and 4) a suspended driver’s license. No arrest.
Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. –Unknown
Peruvian parents are known to wash their lying kids’ mouths out with llama spit.
Within a one-mile radius of my place, there are 8 Starbucks, 6 Coffee Beans, and at least 20 other Mom and Pop shops that serve coffee.
A man named John Stankey is the CEO of DirecTV, which may explain why I hear that DirecTV’s service stinks.
Real passage from a real article:
“Oh, I see. I might have brought it up. But not having to do with me, just I mean, the wind is a very deceiving thing. First of all, we don’t make the windmills in the United States. They’re made in Germany and Japan. They’re made out of massive amounts of steel, which goes into the atmosphere. The windmills kill birds and the windmills need massive subsidies.”
Trump ended his rant on the dangers posed by wind with the words, “I don’t care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country.” You’d think that this quote is some sort of error, since it doesn’t make sense, but according to the Times that’s what Trump said.
Also from the article:
“The rest of Trump’s responses in the interview were comparably nonsensical. Amid his hallucinatory style of speech—which continually evades the respite of a complete sentence…”
“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” –Mitt Romney
“I’m not familiar precisely with exactly what I said but I stand by what I said whatever it was.” –Mitt Romney
People who run with their arms straight down are freaky and creepy.
There’s this dude on the train trying to look hard. He would’ve been successful in his attempt to look threatening if I didn’t hear, “I’m a motherfuckin’ starboy” coming from his headphones.
The grizzly bear on the CA state flag is extinct in CA. Think about that.
In 1921, the Congressional Committee on the Simplification of Paper Sizes debated about whether paper should be 8×10.5 or 8.5×11. For real.
If your dog is so small that when you put its poop in the doggie bag you can actually put the whole dog in the doggy bag too, then your dog isn’t a dog.
One of the worst things about the holidays is seeing folks trying to pay for holiday items with coupons from the last holiday. Enough to shoot yourself in face.
I’m going to open a grocery store in a black neighborhood and calling it Black Market.
The time between Christmas and New Year’s has a couple of names. Twixmas. It’s called Romjula in Norway. My favorite so far: Holiday Taint and Christmas Perineum.
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 