The Matwicks
I usually grab 3 fortune cookies, open them, select the best one, and roll with that.
We don’t need to see “Ambulance” spelled backwards on ambulances. Those trucks are distinctive enough. I’ve never seen anyone completely miss the shifting traffic, the flashing lights, and the blaring sirens, just to see “ECNALUBMA” in their rear view mirror and then say, “Oh, that’s an ambulance,” and THEN pull over to the side of the street.
I was talking with someone the other day about parasites. There are some parasites that take over their hosts’ minds and movements. There’s a fungus that arrives in an ant as a spore. It then develops in the ant’s body for about a week. After that, it manipulates the ant’s movements, making it basically a zombie. Well, if I ever get taken over by a parasite, I only have one request, that it does a lot of cardio so that I’ll be 20 pounds lighter if they hand me my body back.
The game “Operation.” Remember that game? It always confused me. We’re supposed to be saving his life, but the point of the game is to take all of his organs out…
My friend paid for my lunch. It wasn’t exactly free. The cost was spending time with that person.
In the US, corporations are considered people. To me, people fit in elevators. People also take shits. Last time I checked, a corporation can’t fit into an elevator. Or sit on a toilet. Therefore, corporations can’t be people.
The next John Wick movie will expose itself as really the next Matrix film. Reality isn’t what it seemed. We’ve been living in a simulation since 1999. John Wick will get cornered by a bunch of henchmen. Then, the Bowery King, played by Laurence Fishburne, will show up out of nowhere. John Wick will spin around and become Neo from The Matrix. Since Laurence Fishburne’s already there, he’ll take off the Bowery King’s thick coat, spin around, and turn into Morpheus from The Matrix. It’ll be called The Matwicks.
Halloween. Someone knocked over a bottle of Tapatio in the kitchen. It’s all over the floor. Looks like blood splatter. A few minutes later, this guy dressed as a cop comes in and joins the cleanup. It looked like a cop cleaning up a fucking murder scene!
Kids are trick-or-treating in the daytime. WTF? That ain’t right. What happened to kids trick-or-treating at night? If you do it in the daytime, you can see the razor blade in your apple. Where’s the fun in that?
“Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.”
—James Spader as Robert California on The Office, S8E5 – “Spooked”
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