Pepper Jack

He wasn’t ready. He was beyond unprepared.
When the walls came down, he was beyond scared.
Way out of his depth, his confidence withered to ash.
He had written a check that his ass couldn’t cash.

His name was Jacques, but everybody called him Jack.
A bit of a spitfire, basic tact he did lack.
Nicknamed Pepper because he had a spicy demeanor.
His heroes were villains, and he aimed to be meaner.

Pepper Jack had an knack for spinning a yarn.
He’d lie about anything, didn’t care who got harmed.
Now as your narrator…hmm…how can I make this slick?
Like they used to say back in the day, “he was lying on his dick.”

Swearing he’s a ladies’ man, we all know that type.
Bragging about his libido, believing his own hype.
Said his bed was never cold at night, double time on weekends.
Said they’d line up for miles like the Dalai Lama was speaking.

Of course, you know, my friends, none of this stuff was the truth.
He’d get vindictive if a woman told him he was long in the tooth.
Drag her name through the mud ’cause he had mad insecurities.
Cloaked himself in a façade of cool that masked his immaturity.

One day, he met his match, her name was Anise Ambrosia Lucas.
Just as braggadocious, but about 100 times more ruthless.
Then one night at dinner as he poured wine from the carafe.
She leaned in and whispered in his ear, “I’m gonna break you in half.”

Pepper Jack laughed and laughed, trying to hide his *gulp*.
Then his face got all screwed up like he tasted sour pulp.
Never had a woman smacked him in the face with such gall.
Relishing the challenge, he told her, “Soon, you’ll be climbing the walls.”

When she turned out the light, it was so dark he couldn’t find her.
She body-slammed him on the bed, which really made his spine hurt.
She said, “Now you are my bitch, Bitch, prepare for this Sidewinder”.
“Then, I’ll hit that ass with my finishing move, the Pepper Grinder.”

Boy, Jack didn’t know what hit him; it was like, BOOM! BAM! POW!
One thing was for sure, Pepper Jack wasn’t talking that shit now.
“What did I get myself into?” he thought, losing focus on the clock.
And drifting out of consciousness from her Thighmaster headlock.

Limbs flying everywhere, Jack did the most moaning and groaning.
Pretty sure they violated some city noise ordinances and public zoning.
She looked him straight in the eye and said, “Is that all you’ve got?”
He crawled up into his brain and his soul died on the spot.

Ever since then, Pepper Jack has been a shell of a man.
Doctors say he’ll never be able to use his pelvis again.
He endured so much, got smacked around and hog-tied.
She put it on him so good, that man’s permanently cock-eyed.
He lost a lot of his motor skills, and he can’t talk a lick.
Gentlemen, remember Pepper Jack’s tale, don’t lie on your dick.