Embarrassment of Riches
Achebe comes to mind. Things fall apart.
The tail wagging the dog. The horse before the cart.
We’re all wondering how we got here.
The watchful feared, while the ignorant cheered.
Ask Crispus Attucks, we were fucked from the start.
All of this damn money. All of this damn tech.
All of this damn data. All of this damn regret.
We saw it coming halfway around the globe.
Predictions were made, but you weren’t sold.
So you ruined the system built to keep this thing in check.
Now we’re all sitting inside, your plans come asunder.
We’re all paying the price for your gargantuan blunders.
Generations will wonder why
The nation elected* this guy.
Now we’ve got to be 6 feet apart so we won’t be 6 feet under.
So with less vision than a Cyclops and hair like a gorgon,
You tried to play us all like we were keys on an organ.
More conspiracy theories than Mulder and Scully.
Piloting this disaster, thinking you’re Captain Sully,
But you’re more like Captain Crunch drunk off Captain Morgan.
Your pairs of lies paralyze the spread of factual information.
Your feral eyes terrorize democracy w/ every fabrication.
In case you’re confused, let us clarify.
So terrified of the truth is where your error lies.
You’re a virus; America should be sterilized with no hesitation.
You say “all the best talent,” but your team’s full of glitches.
“All the best words,” but you’re too big for your britches.
Nero’s playing the fiddle while Rome’s ablaze.
Your crew of MBAs’ eyes look glazed and dazed.
You’re all an embarrassment of riches, you embarrassing bitches.
You threw rallies and golfed while it made its way to the States.
People can’t breathe in NY yet you say their pain is fake.
Their blood’s on your hands, we’re all in the suck.
We must remove this xenophobic, sociopathic fuck,
By any means necessary; however, wherever, whatever it takes.
Duper
“This airplane is designed by clowns, who in turn are supervised by monkeys,” said one Boeing pilot in messages to a colleague in 2016, about the 737 Max airliner.
Anaphylaxis sounds like the name of a Greek news correspondent.
When someone says, “Maybe it’s just me talking,” it literally is just that person talking.
Heard someone say that their 2-year-old had a great memory. Of course that kid does. He really doesn’t have much to remember.
Some of the hottest clothes at Ross/Marshalls/TJ Maxx are on the floor.
Only park in a loading-only zone only when you’re about to get loaded.
When someone says the night is still young, that person is usually…old.
What the hell does duper mean?
Some abbreviations aren’t doing their jobs. They should be shorter than the phrase they’re shortening, right? WFH has less syllables than Work From Home. So does GSW for gunshot wound. Saying *www” is crazy. It has three times as many syllables as World Wide Web.
Why is it when Europeans and Americans went into a land to conquer, colonize, and take over, it’s called immigration or colonization. But when people of color go into the country of their colonizers or any other country just to live, then people say it’s an invasion?
Optics
They have everything so nothing is special.
“a party in my mouth”
What’s the purpose of double frying? Did you not fry all of it the first time?
Plating shouldn’t be a real term. It’s a cooking term, but it should be abolished. When I eat with utensils, am I forking and knifing? How about utensil-ing? No. Eating soup? I guess you must be spooning then? See. That’s completely something else.
Convo between cop and suspect on Live PD:
Cop: Where you work at?
S: I don’t work, man. I work on the streets, man.
C: You hustle?
S: I don’t sell. I don’t do nothing else. I trade.
C: So you trade stuff for drugs.
S: I trade drugs for stuff.
I want to see a wedding where the bride and groom shake hands instead of kiss.
Every now and then, a motivational speaker should insult and embarrass everyone in the audience just to see if he “still got it.”
If a ring fits around your finger, shouldn’t an earring fit around your ear?
When people compliment food and call it “a party in my mouth”, they should specify exactly what kind of party it is. Some parties are notoriously unhygienic and just damn nasty.
Similarly, when videos go “viral”, we need to rename and reclassify some of these videos to “pandemic”, “contagion”, and “zombie apocalypse” because some of them are so filthy or dumb, they could bring back the Bubonic Plague.
My sleep numbers are pi and infinity.
I hopscotch while sipping hops and scotch.
I go raging on ageing gin.
And moonshine makes me moon my hind.
Ever notice sometimes that people square dance in circles?
Do si do: a staring contest between teenage deer
About half the time when I hear someone opening a soda can, I look around thinking someone is “psst”-ing me and trying to get my attention.
Booty sweat: when pirate treasure is stored in a humid environment and condensation eventually forms
I’ve seen thousands of photos where the model looks down at the ground. It usually involves them posing in some cutesy or artificially casual or “candid” way, all while directing their gaze to the pavement. What’s down there? Is there something that only models can see and the rest of us can’t? Maybe their looking for food. A ham sandwich? Biscuits? Loose change?
Miller High Life’s has one of the greatest slogans in history. The champagne of beers. That’s phenomenal. I love it. It says all you need to know. So whatever the worst champagne on the market is…listen, you guys should use the slogan, “The beer of champagnes.” Do that shit.
the times
The times have found us
The evidence is all around us
It doesn’t matter what your truth is
Reality will certainly ground us
Some may accept; some may deny
Roll up your sleeves, or look to the sky
You can disrespect others & live in your bubble
But the simple fact is all bubbles are lies
You can speak out, or you can be a mime
All stars will fade; the dull may even shine
My friends, the times have found us
I hope you’ve found the time
The Matwicks
I usually grab 3 fortune cookies, open them, select the best one, and roll with that.
We don’t need to see “Ambulance” spelled backwards on ambulances. Those trucks are distinctive enough. I’ve never seen anyone completely miss the shifting traffic, the flashing lights, and the blaring sirens, just to see “ECNALUBMA” in their rear view mirror and then say, “Oh, that’s an ambulance,” and THEN pull over to the side of the street.
I was talking with someone the other day about parasites. There are some parasites that take over their hosts’ minds and movements. There’s a fungus that arrives in an ant as a spore. It then develops in the ant’s body for about a week. After that, it manipulates the ant’s movements, making it basically a zombie. Well, if I ever get taken over by a parasite, I only have one request, that it does a lot of cardio so that I’ll be 20 pounds lighter if they hand me my body back.
The game “Operation.” Remember that game? It always confused me. We’re supposed to be saving his life, but the point of the game is to take all of his organs out…
My friend paid for my lunch. It wasn’t exactly free. The cost was spending time with that person.
In the US, corporations are considered people. To me, people fit in elevators. People also take shits. Last time I checked, a corporation can’t fit into an elevator. Or sit on a toilet. Therefore, corporations can’t be people.
The next John Wick movie will expose itself as really the next Matrix film. Reality isn’t what it seemed. We’ve been living in a simulation since 1999. John Wick will get cornered by a bunch of henchmen. Then, the Bowery King, played by Laurence Fishburne, will show up out of nowhere. John Wick will spin around and become Neo from The Matrix. Since Laurence Fishburne’s already there, he’ll take off the Bowery King’s thick coat, spin around, and turn into Morpheus from The Matrix. It’ll be called The Matwicks.
Halloween. Someone knocked over a bottle of Tapatio in the kitchen. It’s all over the floor. Looks like blood splatter. A few minutes later, this guy dressed as a cop comes in and joins the cleanup. It looked like a cop cleaning up a fucking murder scene!
Kids are trick-or-treating in the daytime. WTF? That ain’t right. What happened to kids trick-or-treating at night? If you do it in the daytime, you can see the razor blade in your apple. Where’s the fun in that?
“Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.”
—James Spader as Robert California on The Office, S8E5 – “Spooked”
Someplace Else
Is there someplace else?
I need to talk to you.
Away from these people.
Away from this madness.
I know you don’t want to leave
And you’re having great fun,
but I really need you right now
You could lend an ear
You could save the day
That’s only if you give a damn
about giving a damn
For someone else
Is there someplace else?
someplace we could go
As long as you stay
Let it be, let it be
I can’t make you be
somewhere you don’t wanna see
I see you & how you see me
Crystal clear now.
Old folks say my daddy
must be made of glass.
I’m in everyone’s way.
Now I see everyone’s ways.
A native son grows
Into an invisible man.
Ellie’s son was wright.
There is someplace else.
A place more suitable.
Resting in a hollow
chamber of solitude
a single reminder
lit from lightning’s fire
creates s p a c e between my flickering
thoughts
freeing my mind
freeing me
losing my grip
the thunder
was the last thing
that I could hold onto
Praying Mantis
People need to stop giving their kids last names as first names. There’s a kid called Harrison in this store I’m in now. He looks more like a Jebediah-Rudolph. Anderson, Cooper, Hunter, Thompson, Jackson, please stop. Here’s a name for you: Stopthatshit Rightnowman.
Kraft Heinz owns brands like Oscar Meyer, Ore Ida, Velveeta, Capri Sun, Kool-Aid, Jell-O, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, Lunchables, and Planters. It also owns Weight Watchers. What? Does anyone else see a conflict of interest here?
There’s a guy at work who leans back in his chair all the time. He presses his hands together as if he’s between contemplating the meaning of life or devising an unscrupulous plan to steal as many children as possible for his chocolate factory labor camp. He looks like a praying mantis on vacation.
Ferrets, raccoons, and pandas just need to get their masked asses together and start a robbers gang.
How was it cloudy and still 102 degrees outside?
The 30-something year-old air conditioner in my place acts more like a rebellious, easily distracted, petulant 8-year-old.
People always tell me that I look like a different person when I have my glasses off. Well, I don’t know who that other dude is, but he needs to buy us a better pair of glasses and start chipping in on this rent.
So Los Angeles used to have the Pacific Electric Red Car Line, which at the time was the largest rail system in the world. In the 1940s, the car companies bought up the railroads and destroyed them or covered them up. Now, the city’s basically playing catch-up and extending the current Metro system. In another 40 years, the e-scooter companies will overtake cars and rail, and build out…I’m joking. That won’t happen. That’s ridiculous.
I stared at the temperature for some time, hoping that it was really the time and that it was 1:05 and the colon had fallen off somehow, and not actually 105 degrees.
Watched a true crime show about a paraplegic murderer. The guy was soulless and sole-less.
Poker Face
Cookie Monster never eats any cookies. He just crumbles them. Wonder why he doesn’t have any teeth when he never eats cookies. Cookies = cavities. No cookies = no cavities = no rotten teeth. This is all a lie.
Isn’t it weird how some fashion designers dress like they need fashion designers?
Recently, there have been some ridiculous “movements” in the media. “All Lives Matter” and the “Straight Pride Parade” come to mind. Next, they’ll be a Father’s Room instead of the Mother’s Room. Or some men will start saying that since menopause has the word “men” in it, then women should stop discriminating against them and relinquish it back to its rightful owners.
Never understood why Batman would choose Robin as a sidekick. Robin is a teenager. As a crime-fighting superhero with a ton of dependencies, why you pick someone from the most notoriously unreliable demographic to be your assistant?
If life is a rat race, then that makes us disease-carrying, gluttonous vermin/rodents. Yup, that sounds about right.
Just heard a country EDM song. Yup, that doesn’t sound right.
Self Parking signs are redundant. They should all be Parking signs. What about valet parking, you say? That should be renamed “Too Late/Lazy/Rich to Park” signs.
Badass backwards means despondent midsection or “sad ab.”
Sucking up is for suckers.
My poker face is more of a gin rummy or “Go Fish” face. Maybe even an “I Declare War” face.
Cup or cone? I’m more of an ice cream cup guy. I like cones, but I tend to move when I’m eating ice cream. The stability of a cardboard paper cup is eerily soothing to me. Comforting. Like a wintertime lullaby to my tongue.
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Lorem ipsum hipsum
Lorem ipsum dolor amet skateboard lyft gochujang thundercats fam pinterest franzen. Chambray etsy edison bulb, sartorial live-edge ethical disrupt pok pok. Raw denim skateboard dreamcatcher lumbersexual, poke fam selfies echo park 90’s pork belly cliche knausgaard quinoa put a bird on it humblebrag. Master cleanse hell of meditation pork belly PBR&B plaid vice 3 wolf moon seitan tofu kale chips lyft heirloom cornhole.
Tofu next level shaman migas. Pok pok shaman hell of taxidermy farm-to-table. Single-origin coffee typewriter mlkshk actually, four dollar toast wolf gochujang vegan tote bag tofu hammock migas chia celiac lo-fi. Air plant af franzen, artisan fixie affogato gochujang meh.
Vaporware flannel seitan whatever, before they sold out tumblr fam unicorn vexillologist green juice. Chartreuse selfies twee pork belly green juice meditation farm-to-table butcher pickled schlitz locavore. Banh mi pickled master cleanse distillery readymade. Coloring book bitters before they sold out, YOLO live-edge vinyl retro authentic kombucha chartreuse yr fashion axe lomo farm-to-table.
Tilde venmo tofu waistcoat VHS sriracha hell of stumptown. Kombucha banjo vinyl neutra flannel vexillologist migas pitchfork cold-pressed DIY +1 whatever tofu leggings. Stumptown tbh unicorn gluten-free leggings copper mug iceland authentic roof party. Vaporware live-edge lyft polaroid kale chips gochujang fingerstache flexitarian offal PBR&B. Chicharrones +1 90’s ennui, four loko iceland mumblecore hashtag selvage. Hella 3 wolf moon kombucha chillwave chia brunch tousled blue bottle helvetica ennui literally YOLO paleo. Authentic farm-to-table banh mi normcore VHS yr bitters kickstarter.
Locavore lomo fam bespoke unicorn pour-over. Iceland hexagon DIY activated charcoal tousled deep v shabby chic cardigan pabst meh readymade lumbersexual kombucha drinking vinegar jianbing. Taxidermy banjo beard sriracha tofu fashion axe. Bicycle rights deep v organic art party brooklyn post-ironic cloud bread echo park next level glossier.
— Artisan hipster text from Jason Cosper’s brilliant website Hipster Ipsum, hipsum.co
SunDance|NightFall
Watch the crescent cradle the newborn night
Crowning above all, ruler of the city
The world is its court, where we all bow
Even fowl lower their heads in due time
You lean against a wall, carefree, barely
Aware of the volume of life around you
My arms surround you, a shield, brief in nature
For they will help carry your burdens
Your troubles, deflect danger when it’s nigh
And I don’t mind.
To see you laugh, loving life, enjoying,
Fuels me enough, I’m fine
The world is a party, a celebration of now
Prizes galore, new opening doors
So get off that wall, go mingle, test the waters
Love to love. When you’re done, love some more
Soon the music will fade
The drinks will run dry
Party favors bespeckle the floor
The velvet rope stands unattended
The people will go home
Winds subside into sighs in the end
Til then, we’re all dancing in the sun
Waiting for our nights to fall
God’s Paperweight
Most of the time when you hear the phrase “the shit hits the fan” it brings to mind the visceral imagery of feces splattering all over the ceiling, wall, and anything else in the room. I’d like to propose an image that is just as nasty and even more mystifying than the aforementioned visual. My concern and question is how exactly does the manure manage to establish an upward projection towards the fan in the first place?
Speaking of confusing English phrases, what about “clean as a whistle”? Let me tell you. I had a coach in high school who smoked cigarettes, constantly masticated chewing tobacco, coughed up endless phlegm, and cursed like a sailor. I promise you, calling his whistle clean would be the last adjective anyone would use to describe it.
And what’s the deal with the phrase “screwed the pooch”? What’s the origin of this? Who came up with this? What kind of act could some human being possibly have done that was so erroneous, so revolting, so ridiculously inappropriate that it was seen on the same level as fucking a dog? You may as well be saying, “Hey George, you really committed bestiality on this one, huh?” The hell is going on with English?!
There’s a strip club just in front of one of my bus stops. While I’m standing there waiting for the bus, to many people, especially tourists, it looks like I’m a bouncer. One day, I’m going to use this miscalculation to my advantage. I just haven’t figured out how yet.
I’m thoroughly convinced that the operation of the 212 bus is completely dependent on a daily, early morning dice game between some of the bus drivers. Sometimes that bus runs up to an hour late. The rest of the time it doesn’t run at all.
If you’re losing about 25% of your hair and you go to the barber occasionally, tell your barber to give you 25% off the price since nature has already done 25% of the work for him.
Doves are pigeons and pigeons are doves. They are the same bird. Look it up. The symbol of peace and harmony is also known, in some sophisticated social circles, as “a fucking rat with wings.”
Potluck. What so lucky about getting eating some random food that your coworker who can’t even boil eggs made at 2 AM that morning before lunchtime when everyone else in your office brings out their last-minute, last-ditch efforts to fake like they put in a Food Network-level of culinary expertise into their reheated, re-fried attempts at chorizo quesadillas, mole poblano, and chicharonnes?
The outline of LA County looks like the head of the character Guile from the video game Street Fighter.
When crossing a street, if the pedestrian walk signal is 10 seconds or less, then I usually won’t cross. But for some reason, if it’s at 11 seconds, I haul ass.
Saw a Metro/MetroLink ad on the bus with the following headline: Most People Hit by Trains Never See Them. No shit.
The public transportation system in LA is a wellspring of gushing, tidal confusion. The elevators are always broken. Half the time, the escalators are shut down and being serviced. One time they had the stairs roped off with yellow caution tape. How are the stairs broken?!
I went into a public bathroom once and noticed that steam was coming up from one of the urinals. I turned right around and walked out.
Super group that needs to come into fruition:
Childish Gambino/Donald Glover, Bruno Mars, Kendrick Lamar, Anderson .Paak, and Miguel.
I’ve already bought my tickets to the concert.
The term “food coma” needs to be revised and reevaluated because sometimes people do wake up from comas. I still haven’t waken up from that huge carby burrito I had for lunch 3 weeks ago.
I can understand getting your teeth whitened. However, there is a such thing as getting your teeth “too white.” And “too big.” If I look at you and feel sorry for what I imagine is some toothless wild mustang running free in the plains of Wyoming, then you’ve gone too far.
There should be a Green Book for brunch spots for women. On second thought, they don’t need a Green Book. I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t love brunching with her girls. Women basically own Sunday brunch. And there’s not a damn thing any man can do about it. Men think they own Sunday with NFL games and such. Churchgoers think that religious services own Sunday. Nope. Women do. It’s their world on Sunday, and the rest of us are just paying rent.
Dying your hair blue is not a good idea. In fact, it’s a terrible idea. It never looks right. I’ve seen attempt after attempt, and they all look like one of these three things:
- a half-sucked Blow Pop that someone dropped in the dirt
- a deep hematoma or thigh bruise someone got from falling off Mount Everest, and then rolled around in dirt
- an elderly, wrinkly Smurf that pulled a Sammy Sosa, got his skin bleached by a back alley, street dermatologist, and then rolled around in dirt
One time at a previous job, most of my coworkers had glossy photos of their children at their desks and work areas. They would congregate in the kitchen and hallways and talk about their kids’ latest accomplishments and deeds ad nauseam. They’d semi-harass and bug me with inquires like, “Do you have any kids? How come you don’t have any kids? Don’t you want children? You don’t know what you’re missing? Until you’re a parent, you’ll never understand.” Annoyed, I was. One morning they came into work, and to their horror, I had photos of kids at my desk. Their kids.
I heard that the it takes 30 minutes for the average mumble rapper to produce a trap song. That’s 60 minutes too long.
I just read that autonomous cars are more likely to hit people with darker hues than people with lighter hues. Even the robots are racist. This is crazy. I’m going to design a hoodie to help save the lives of POCs, people of color or pedestrians of color. When you pull the hoodie over your head, it’ll have some white person’s face on both sides. That way, the self-driving car’s AI will slow down because it thinks you’re worth saving. I’ll market the sweatshirt as The White Hood. Oh, wait…
An angel investor (also known as a business angel, informal investor, angel funder, private investor, or seed investor) is an affluent individual who provides capital for a business start-up, usually in exchange for convertible debt or ownership equity. A devil investor is someone who offers to lend you money but then wants to borrow money from you before given you money. You may know the latter as your Uncle Mike.
Going back to English phrases, next up: party pooper. Why, America? Is someone taking a shit at a party somewhere? Yes, that would definitely bring the party mood down.
Cardassians, a race of beings featured in the Star Trek canon, are described as being “tall, long-necked, humanoid in appearance, marked by several bony protrusions and ridges: one from the shoulder to under the ears, whose bottom lobes in turn are more pronounced forward to the jawline, and from above the eyes and back over the head to the rear base of the skull, showing through hair. Other ridges run from the nose line to the forehead, and along the chin to define a sharp jawline. Their skin type and hair vary from light purple to a greenish hue and near black. Predatory in large numbers, more cautious alone and instinctively searching out a dominant position in any social setting.” As are Kardashians.
I’m heavier than I look. I’ve finally figured out my life’s purpose. I’m God’s paperweight. Holding down this planet and keeping it in its proper orbit since my birth.
Guys with black and gray hair are said to have a “salt and pepper look.” What do we call redhead guys with a little gray? Salt and cayenne pepper?
Pencils down.
i|n|s|i|d|e|j|o|b
Knights of Corazon
One Eyed Critics
by the time i get to burnside
Velvet
Excuse me, ma’am. Do you have a moment you could spare?
I just want to ask you a question, only a few if you’d care.
What’s that? Don’t call you ma’am. Beg your pardon.
Charge it to my Southern mannerisms and my jargon
Tell me how this ardent fan can be the apple of your eye
Been checking you from afar, then I’d skedaddle on the sly
I must admit that at first I was hesitant to approach
Your radiance was so bright, I ran away like a roach
But you only live once, can’t make the same mistake twice
So I’ma roll the dice, gambling can be a rewarding vice
So where are you headed? Can I treat you to some coffee?
Green tea? Sake? Latte? Caffe mocha with some toffee?
Where’d you want to sit? Inside here or maybe outdoors?
I’m good with black coffee, but for you, the choice is yours.
What’s your name? Where are you from? Do you think we have potential?
That too intrusive? I understand. To be fair, let me run down my credentials.
I’m the man of your dreams. Your future spouse, no question.
Future father of your kids. Oh, you didn’t know? Full discretion.
So what do you think? You want to be down with the king?
Oh, you’re on your phone now? I didn’t even hear it ring.
What’s that? You say gotta go now? Why such urgency?
Your grandma fell out of a plane? That’s quite the family emergency!
Need a ride? I can take you. No? Not what I suspected.
This is ending rather abruptly, much faster than I expected.
Well, it was nice to talk to…oh, yes, you have to go.
Maybe we can catch up later? Eh, bad idea? I don’t know.
Just thought it’d be nice to…OK, I’ll get out of your face.
Your face is so pretty…whoa, please, don’t spray me with mace!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
OH GOD! MY FACE’S ON FIRE! I WAS JUST SHOWING CONCERN!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I THINK SOME GOT IN MY MOUTH!
One Father’s Jeremiad
You don’t deserve what I’ve done.
You don’t deserve what I didn’t do.
You deserve to live life, wild and free.
Without a care, taking dares, playing musical chairs
My apologies for allowing your name to be dragged through the mud
I’m sorry for being ashamed of my own flesh and blood
When you came to your mother and me and told us your truth
I refused to believe, I thought I failed you as a youth
I disowned you, your mom stood by you, and I bemoaned you
The old you, or the man I wanted you to become, the grown you
And I know ignorance is not an excuse, and it shouldn’t ever govern you
And that my bigotry and prejudice is what made me stop loving you
But I was raised differently and was taught that a man should never kneel
To anything and we weren’t taught how to express how or what we feel
I wasn’t equipped to be a man man enough to raise a boy to a man
I wasn’t blessed like your mother, I failed to take command
Of my thoughts and my fears and my insecurities and all I lack.
I was scared for you, my son; it’s hard enough just being black
The hurt that I caused you, I wish that I could take back
I get frightened when I hear that another gay man’s been attacked
But I’m proud of you, I’m proud that you fight for what’s right in this land
I’m proud of your resolute determination to stand up to your old man
I swear, you’ve taught me more about manhood than any mentor I’ve ever had
Here, I’m supposed to be teaching you, yet the son’s schooling his dad
Who you want to love shouldn’t affect whether I love you or not
Thank you for helping me see this before my soul withered from rot
Please forgive me for not being the father than you needed
Or not taking heed to your cries over my hatred deep-seeded
Please forgive me for all of the disrespect, hurt, and neglect
When you were crying out for help, I’d just ignore and deflect
If God wants us to love everyone, no ifs, ands, buts, or exceptions
Then I have failed the Lord’s chief directive, from your inception
Be better than me, make your own footsteps and don’t follow mine
So when you have a son or daughter, you can guide them to align
With a more suitable example of compassion and humanity
Show your son a better way, show him what a real man can be.
Newport
There he was, standing at the edge of the food court
Styrofoam cup as an ashtray, dragging on a Newport
He couldn’t look away, he couldn’t avert his gaze
Obsessed, sick in the head, twisted thoughts like a maze
Hiding in plain sight, ready to strike like a snake
He waited for the right moment to do wrong, no matter the stakes
About 50 feet away, overwhelmed and easily distracted
A young mother juggling duties, schedule impacted
On her phone, crying child, barking dog, steamy weather
With her hands full, she tries her best to hold it all together
The dog sees a squirrel, chases it for closer scrutiny
She sprints behind it, unaware of this perfect opportunity
Moments later, she comes back, dog and leash in hand
Exhausted, she sits on the bench, using a magazine as a fan
Whips out a loaf of bread, peanut butter, and pressed juice
Lays out her book, crossword puzzle. Calls up her masseuse
Chats, laughs; in the background, sounds of a leaf blower
Pacifier on the ground, she gasps when she sees the empty stroller
Beverly & Poinsettia
Is a spy cam still a spy cam if you know it’s there?
“My aunt’s house has an ant problem.” –a friend of mine
Dogs would live longer if they realized that they could save so much energy if they barked at inanimate objects less often.
People suck. Seedless watermelons? That’s an invention of humans. Ridiculous. We made watermelons impotent and sterile because we don’t want to pick the seeds out.
Shouldn’t Labor Day be called No Labor Day?
The Flat Earth Society has members all around the world.
I once heard someone describe me as being so nice that I’d “never hurt a fly.” I stood there, feeling guilty about the millions of flies that I had swatted and killed in the past.
Benadryl: the original roofy.
The antichrist will arrive with a pumpkin spice latte in hand.
There’s an article in Business Insider with the incredible title of “Scientists invent self-lubricating condom with Bill Gates funding.” From Microsoft to micro hard…
One of my favorite movie theaters is very popular among the elderly. Since I’m an ardent patron there and because watching movies with old folks is incredible, here are a few of my nicknames for it:
The Enema Cinema.
The Creator’s Theater.
The Old Fart Mouth Arthouse.
The Geriatric Theatrics and Cinematics.
The Silverfox Silver Screen.
The Sick-and-Shut-in Drive-in.
The Bengay Playhouse.
The Moving Pictures for Moving Bowels.
The Old Republican Revival House.
The Old Closeted Gay GOP Grindhouse.
The Old Liberal Hippie Peepshow.
The Medicare Multiplex.
The Metamucil Movies.
The Old-Timer Opera House.
Where they call the movies “the picture show.”
“It’s not a diminution of anyone’s success for other’s to thrive.” –Stacey Abrams
First time I heard 45 talking about a caravan on the way to the US, this was the first image that popped up in my mind.
There’s some voter suppression going on in North Dakota, a blatant attempt to minimize the Native American vote. Native Americans shouldn’t even need ID to vote. Are we serious? They were here first. If anything, we should be showing our American IDs to Native Americans for validation.
nothing else
beginning, middle, finale, lyric
Act 1, Act 2, Act 3, limerick
Freytag, structure, climax, diction
flashback, montage, fable, fiction
conflict, quatrain, contrast, context
cadence, ethos, dialogue, dialect
think plot. ink blot. rethink. you sure?
rethink. you sure? don’t you wanna be secure?
go art? follow heart? or org chart? be smart.
ink drop. ink spot. notepad. pen quill.
blank sheet. canvas. No-Doz. Benadryl.
pinwheel. light bulb. ideas. ding ding.
write down. right now. lock down. Sing Sing.
outline. brainstorm. strategy. plan out.
research. interview. find my voice. stand out.
work hard. no play. focused. writing only.
deadline. can’t chill. weekend. writing’s lonely.
bang out. screenplay. movie. stageplay.
novel. poetry. article. pages made.
day job. waiter. Uber. plenty swings.
night school. hustle. will do anything.
no car. bus route. train ride. some doubt.
sidewalk. ten speed. hitch hike. thumbs out.
rent’s due. pay bills. ramen. cell phone.
bad check. credit card. life’s hard. bail home.
hell no. no way. ride or die. all in.
backup. safety net. tight rope. fall in.
fuck that. not a choice. got poise. hold on.
bite tongue. grin and bear. take a punch. go on.
not weak. not cool. not true. not you.
hot streak. ice cold. dice roll. pursue.
go hard. big dream. big schemes. tough road.
reject. no calls. hope falls. don’t fold.
keep on. grinding. shining. believing.
get up. read more. write more. achieving.
one page. one screen. one mind. one vibe.
one thought. one love. one room. one scribe.
your words. your sweat. your blood. your tears.
your verbs. your nouns. your joy. your fears.
destiny. best of me. westwardly. a quest for me.
testing me. bring it on. challenge me. incessantly.
i will write. erudite. wrong or right. songs of life.
daylight. moonlight. strong might. songs of strife.
here to stay. you can pray. i will say. something else.
on my life, i can see. myself doing. nothing else.
Ali
ME.
WE.
— Muhammad Ali
Harvard University, 1975
Widely regarded as the shortest poem in the English language
AD LIB RHAPSODY, or An Ode to the Present State of Radio-Friendly Hip Hop in the Central Part of North America, Part 2
AD LIB RHAPSODY
by OhSnapKracklePopPopPop
Produced by DJ Pickle Juice
[VERSE 1: HOT POCKET JACQUES]
Skrrrrrr! Skrrrr! Hold up! Bo!
Blaow! Blaow! Ooo wop! Yo!
Pow! Hey! Skrrrrtt! Bang! Go!
Rich! Kaka! Fo’ chains! Fa sho!
Rrrbbit! Moo! Cluck! Buck! Buck!
Shabba! Ranks! Tom! Hanks! Pop!
Crunk! Crack! Crank! Crock! Clock!
Trunk! Rack! Stank! Glock! Rock!
Huh? What? Bruh! Yugh! Aaaay!
Yeah! Naw! Chop! Fri! Daaay!
Hot! Dogs! Ham! Collard! Greens!
Guac! Cheese! Butter! Beans!
Click Clack! Woop Woop! Hiccup!
Pitty Pat! Kitty Kat! Stick-up!
Jabba! Mamba! Mamma! Swag!
Yabba! Dabba! Samba! Facts!
[VERSE 2: BOB]
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppp!!!
[VERSE 3: PANINI PO’BOY & SOX CHICKEN POX]
Rich Boy! Po’ Boy! Rich Boy! Po’ Boy!
Rich Boy! Po’ Boy! Rich Boy! Po’ Boy!
Manly! Manly! Manly! Manly!
Gucci! Gucci! Gucci! Gucci!
Stanley! Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!
Tucci! Tucci! Tucci! Tucci!
We got the play so you fold!
We got to stay in top mode!
We got the way and the goal!
we got the weight and the gold!
We broke the clay and the mold!
We do not claim that we know!
We just get paid and then go!
We say do re me fa so la ti do!
Da da da da da da dodo!
Blah kup! Blah kup! Blah kup! Blah kup!
Ho! Whoa! Whoa! Ho! Hobo! JoJo!
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble!
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble!
Think Ink|Thinq Inq 
