Judging how this year has begun, I’m sure it’s just 2016 in a 2017 costume.

If you cross a black cat’s path, will the cat have good luck? Or will it just scratch your eyes out?

Hallelujah Man is a man on my bus who wears a large straw hat, shades, and always says “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah” to himself. Over and over again. I don’t know what he’s rejoicing about, but whatever it is, it ain’t really working, dude. He’s been rejoicing for years, and he’s still on the bus.

Bears. Since when did they get associated with so many things? Bears are identified as lovers of honey. They’re mascots for toilet paper, Coca-Cola (especially around Christmas), cereal, beer, hotels, fabric softener, detergents, sports teams, forest fire prevention, candy, etc. How did something that can maul you and rip your face off come to be known as cuddly and cute? By that logic, we should all have barracudas and piranhas in our fish tanks at home and jackals and hyenas playing around on the living room carpet with our kids.

A guy was sitting at a table with a carton of orange juice in front of him. He had his eyes closed and looked like he was intensely training. A woman walks by, sees him, and stops in her tracks. She asks, “What are you doing?” He says, “It says 100% concentrate…” She walks away.

I selfishly hog my ride shares.

Ever hear someone’s laugh, and it sounds like they’re just learning how to do it?

I used to hate drinking water when I was younger. Wasn’t a fan at all. Turned it down at any and every opportunity. I thought that made me water resistant.

If you draw portraits of people at a Comic Con, does that make you a con artist? How about if you’re the family portraitist of the Kahn family?

I was riding with a friend who was having a hard time parking. She said, “I can’t park to save my life.” Ahem. I didn’t need her to park good enough to save her life. I need her to save mine. She can worry about her life later.

I got attacked by a sheepdog the other day. How come there isn’t a dogsheep, a sheep that wrangles up wayfaring dogs?

When people say that they don’t want to eat a certain type of food because they ate it very recently, what the hell? What? Is that food still digesting? Can your body not handle it? Do you have a 2-nights-in-a-row digestive-tract limit on Vietnamese pho, enchiladas, or cheese sticks?

Next Halloween, hand out colored hard-boiled eggs to the trick-or-treaters. If anyone gives you any static or lip, tell they asses that’s all you got left over from Easter. Then slam the door.

Parents, calm down with the pink and glitter when dressing your little girls. Please! Sometimes, I’ll see a child walking around looking like the lovechild of a disco ball and a pink highlighter or like a flamingo strutting in one of Liberace’s robes.

Californians love themselves some avocados. You put an avocado on anything and it immediately becomes Californian. Food, etc. That’s how you become a state resident. They give you an avocado and you hold it for 10 minutes.

It’s time for turducken.  Aww yeah!  But turducken’s ain’t nothing.  A gastronomist in the early 19th century wrote about his rôti sans pareil. This “roast without equal” is “a bustard, stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting, and a garden warbler.”  I think I was born too late. 

Speaking of messiahs, how we know that the name Christy/Christie shouldn’t be pronounced as Cry-stee? Jesus Christy. Right? We could be doing it wrong, see? I’m nodding at your hesistant dismissal of my theory. Got in your head now. 

News organizations have to retire the phrase “breaking news.” It’s used way to often. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s lost its shock value. Going forward, “breaking news” should only be used if a comet breaks the sound barrier as it speeds.toward Earth, a person with no ass miraculously breaks wind, or the messiah comes down to break bread with Santa Claus, Michael Jordan, and Michael B. Jordan.

I know someone who was pulled over by cops and with the following: 1) weed with no medicinal license, 2) a license plate that expired 11 months earlier, 3) no car insurance, and 4) a suspended driver’s license. No arrest.

Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. –Unknown

Peruvian parents are known to wash their lying kids’ mouths out with llama spit.

Within a one-mile radius of my place, there are 8 Starbucks, 6 Coffee Beans, and at least 20 other Mom and Pop shops that serve coffee.

A man named John Stankey is the CEO of DirecTV, which may explain why I hear that DirecTV’s service stinks.

Real passage from a real article:

“Oh, I see. I might have brought it up. But not having to do with me, just I mean, the wind is a very deceiving thing. First of all, we don’t make the windmills in the United States. They’re made in Germany and Japan. They’re made out of massive amounts of steel, which goes into the atmosphere. The windmills kill birds and the windmills need massive subsidies.”

Trump ended his rant on the dangers posed by wind with the words, “I don’t care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country.” You’d think that this quote is some sort of error, since it doesn’t make sense, but according to the Times that’s what Trump said.

Also from the article:

“The rest of Trump’s responses in the interview were comparably nonsensical. Amid his hallucinatory style of speech—which continually evades the respite of a complete sentence…”

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” –Mitt Romney

“I’m not familiar precisely with exactly what I said but I stand by what I said whatever it was.” –Mitt Romney

People who run with their arms straight down are freaky and creepy.

There’s this dude on the train trying to look hard. He would’ve been successful in his attempt to look threatening if I didn’t hear, “I’m a motherfuckin’ starboy” coming from his headphones.

The grizzly bear on the CA state flag is extinct in CA. Think about that.

In 1921, the Congressional Committee on the Simplification of Paper Sizes debated about whether paper should be 8×10.5 or 8.5×11. For real.

If your dog is so small that when you put its poop in the doggie bag you can actually put the whole dog in the doggy bag too, then your dog isn’t a dog.

One of the worst things about the holidays is seeing folks trying to pay for holiday items with coupons from the last holiday. Enough to shoot yourself in face.

I’m going to open a grocery store in a black neighborhood and calling it Black Market.

The time between Christmas and New Year’s has a couple of names. Twixmas. It’s called Romjula in Norway. My favorite so far: Holiday Taint and Christmas Perineum.

Bottle on bourbon on the table
Swirl it around, take a swig
Look at my reflection in the glass
Sexy brown liquid manna from the gods
Bottoms up, Tops down!
Scratch my head, Owww!
Scratched the top off a bump
That hurt.
Take off my glasses, clean them up
Look around the room
The clock hasn’t moved, c’mon, man!
Cramp in my neck, where’d that come from?
Rub it, still there, this sucks
Check my phone, no messages,
Text my friend, no answer
Call the family, no answer
Light bulb flickers, change the bulb
Ah, that should do it, almost blew it
Get up and wash dishes in the kitchen
Grab some pecans to snack on
Crack open a book, read a chapter
Or two or three
Spin the ring on my finger a few times
Beat-box, make some beats in my head
Check my phone again
Throw it across the room
Turn on the TV, turn it off
Turn off the computer, turn it on.
Check email, add to my Netflix queue
*Sniff* What’s that smell?
Take the trash out, trim my beard
Look out the window, people-watch
Sip some more bourbon
Try to think of something clever
Whatever. Try again.
Take a catnap on the broken couch
Go outside, walk around the block
Chat with the neighbor
Scratch my ass, I’m hungry
Get a bowl of cereal, brain food
Get another bowl of cereal, no shame
Check my bank account, need more loot
Check my –, bleh, never mind
I’m over it.
Not even sure what I was thinking
Gotta get my discipline back
But first, I’ll see what’s on TV
Again
A bunch of movies I’ve seen already
Oooh, some true crime stuff
Nah, turn it off, man
OK, grab my pad and pen
All right now.
I’ll write now.

“You’re too chickenshit to do what you want.
You’re too chickenshit to do what’s right.
You’re too chickenshit to do what’s needed.
You’re too chickenshit to move forward.
You’re too chickenshit to go for that dream.
You’re too chickenshit to be better.
You’re too chickenshit to live for the moment.
You’re too chickenshit to be busy.
You’re too chickenshit to be real.
You’re too chickenshit to fail.
You’re too chickenshit to express yourself.
You’re too chickenshit to show love.
You’re too chickenshit to show that side of you.
You’re too chickenshit to get hurt. Too scared to get scarred.
You’re too chickenshit to see the writing on the wall.
You’re too chickenshit to read and ignore it.
You’re too chickenshit to work hard.
You’re too chickenshit to ruffle feathers.
You’re too chickenshit to own it.
You’re too chickenshit to look ahead.
You’re too chickenshit to forget the past.
You’re too chickenshit to be you.
You’re too chickenshit to stand up.
You’re too chickenshit to stand out.
You’re too chickenshit to try.”

Said the mirror.

Just found out that the new train route has train cars that were built in Japan in 1989. I’m routinely on a train car that was built around the time the Berlin Wall was torn down. Really feels weird riding on something that’s older than most of the people riding it.

With the completion of the latest train line, I now have about a dozen ways to get to work. While each of these routes have their pros and cons, one route stands apart from the rest. I call it the Polar Route, or the POLR Route. POLR stands for Path Of Least Resistance. It’s the route that has the least amount of creeps, shady people, and sexual deviants.

This guy behind me just coughed on my ear. It feels like it has the flu now.

Slogan of the week: Louisville Vegan Jerky’s “Keep it fake!”

It’s not ghostwriting if we all know your name.

I’m optimistic that I’ll be pessimistic.

Forgot that they mail drivers licenses to you now. So ironic how back in the day, when licenses were laminated, you would get them that same day. Nowadays, when the cards are all digitized and high-tech, you get it by snail mail.

Children are assholes. They are selfish, greedy, vindictive, and opportunistic. They are beautifully accurate microcosms of the adult human psyche and behavioral tendencies. At its core, humanity is not very humane. With that said, seeing babies with fat cheeks makes me forget everything I just wrote.

Asians get a bad rep for bootlegging American products, yet America has been making remakes and adaptations of Asian movies and stories for years. Asia should crack down on American copycats the same way America clamps down on iPhone bootleggers.

Someone launched an explosion of diarrhea against the side of the wall of the local post office. Definitely a special, overnight delivery. It also had me thinking of the slogan of UPS, “What can brown do for you?”

Where did the term “piggyback” come from? Never have I seen a pig on anything’s back nor have I seen anything on a pig’s back.

And where did the term “greenback” come from?  Dollars are green on the front and back.  I’m pretty sure that most people look at the front of a dollar bill than the back of it.  We should be call ’em “greenfront.”  Or “greenallovers.”

Before-and-after photos are a standard in the weight loss industry.  A third photo should be added: What-You-Like-Right-Now photos.  After you’ve lost the weight, you should be required to submit a photo 3 to 6 months later.  More than likely, it’ll look like your “before” pic went on an eating binge.  Truth.

Forgive me.

I’ve been dismissive of writing you this missive for a while.
But I found my voice, through a lot of error and even more trial.

This song’s for you. My voice is a bit rusty.

It’s almost been a decade since the day that you passed
Can’t believe how time has flown, but the memories will last
The family misses you dearly, we think of you every day
We all struggle with our lost, we express it every way
I struggle to accept, to come to terms that you’re not here
Saying my name wrong, learning to walk, falling on your rear
From the time you were born, you stole hearts, straight-up robbery
With a 10-year age gap, I wondered if we’d ever have camaraderie
Mama brought you home, there was so much love displayed
For the boy with big almond eyes and a naturally curly high-top fade
Remember when I would pick you up and whisk you around the house?
“Flying Baby,” I called it. Giggling ’til a little drool came out your mouth.
I used to recite Gangstarr’s “DWYCK” and you and Dre would lose your minds.
I’d cross my eyes, say “Shaq Fu,” chase you all over ’til it was dinnertime.
Sometimes, I disliked that you were the baby ’cause everyone spoiled you
I didn’t want you to become a brat, a pain in the ass, royal
You were the only kid I knew who absolutely loved school
Such a passion for knowledge, so much respect for elders and rules
Never wanted to fight anyone, just wanted to make friends
When I felt I was slipping, I’d look to your example to amend
My actions. I know I’m the oldest but I’ve never been perfect
Just did the best I could, hoping that in the end, it’d be worth it
The older you got, the close you and I became
The maturity gap closed as the age gap remained the same
Then just like that, it was Christmas Day, we were all in Chapel Hill
Wondering what the hell happened, the pain we still feel
The day you were diagnosed with cancer made it the family’s worst year
Everyone was trying to be strong while fighting back fear
You remained positive, with those eyes so bright
OFFERING US words of encouragement while showing those pearly whites
I tried to stay strong, Adrian, baby brother, I tried
Reversing my tears’ flow, forcing them to fall on the inside
The entire family prayed in unison for 349 days straight
Prayer of Jabez and anything else that could bring you a positive fate
Well into 2006, we kept the faith while the doctors worked tirelessly
Saw you in September, standing tall and strong like a cypress tree
I was at my new job, learning the ropes, sitting all alone
When I heard a series of buzzes coming from my phone
I picked it up, saw it was our sister calling from the Eastern time zone
Told her hey and asked what was up, Tasha said, “You need to come home.”
At first, I told her I could get home on the weekend, since I was still at work
Had a few things to wrap up, then told her I was glad my new boss wasn’t a jerk
She suggested that I come home now, so I jumped on the next thing smoking
In hindsight, I missed the seriousness and thought she was kinda joking
And I was in strong denial, for she was telling me everything by saying nothing much
That flight was the longest of my life, my mind was somewhere else, losing touch,
The car ride home from the airport was surreal and pretty eerie
I remember cracking jokes to my cousins, but nobody would hear me
It wasn’t until I got home when everything completely hit me
It was all in slow motion, vision blurred, hazy, I walked gently
Hugged Mama at the door, still talking a mile a minute
But when I saw the funeral guestbook near the wall, I felt the world without you in it
I fell to the floor, wailing like a wounded soldier in a war
For at the moment, a bullet hit my heart, I couldn’t feel any more.
The family tried to console me, but they were in their own suffering
They had seen your body deteriorate when it was supposed to be recovering
It really hit me hard. I didn’t eat for days after that.
A zombie in every sense, I was in a daze after that.
I’ve always felt bad because I wasn’t there, the self-hate is immense
I was 3,000 miles away while you were battling that senseless
Disease. Even though, you were the biggest supporter of this westward endeavor
I can never forgive myself for not being there, not a chance ever
As your brother, I should’ve been there to protect you
You would ask me, “How’s LA?” I was amazed that you would select to
Focus on me in our conversations and communications
While you were hooked up to IV’s and getting treatments of radiation
I’m sorry for not being the best big brother you deserved
I should’ve been braver, but I didn’t have the nerve
I’m sorry that you had to go through so much anguish
If I were stronger, that pain I could’ve helped you extinguish.
I’m sorry when you were a baby, I didn’t hold you tighter in my arms
I would’ve shielded you from danger and all bodily harm
I’m sorry that you didn’t make it to your high school graduation
Your class honored you like nothing I’ve ever seen, so much admiration
I wish you could’ve seen your funeral, but I’m sure you saw it from above
The whole damn town showed up, a testament to all the love
Grandma touched your hand in the casket and said, “I’ll be with you soon.”
Exactly six months later, we were all together again, crying at her tomb.
I’m sorry for not telling you how much I loved you when you were alive
My faults I now improve, to be a better man, I strive
Please forgive me for things I can’t understand or fall into the creases
My friend calls it Survivor’s Remorse, I call it Picking Up the Pieces
Again, our parents and siblings all dearly miss you and remember
The world isn’t the same since you left us that December

And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.
And I will sing about you forever.

It’s taken me 10 years to realize the lesson your entire life would give
The whole time we were trying to keep you alive, you were teaching us how to live.

Same shit, different day. Better than saying, “different shit, same day.” That would mean that you shit your pants twice today.

https://arkencounter.com/
Huge life-sized ark built in Kentucky. Theme park.
One of the job listings is shuttle driver. Isn’t that what Noah does?
Another job listing is Food & Beverage Team Lead. If that were me, I’d be in close communications with the Zoo Team so that we could fry up some of those animals after work.

When an adult gets abducted, why is it still called kidnapping?

Saw a man with a box of doughnuts walk into a doughnut shop. Almost always, you see a person with doughnuts walking AWAY from a shop. I imagine he told the clerk, “Say, man. These doughnuts are defective. They do not possess the proper amount of industry-standard glaze.”

Every day, we go in and out of Starbucks, fueling our national obsession with coffee beans and caffeine, and we’ve failed to notice the cry for help just above our heads, and even on our cups. I’m talking about mermaid (also known as a siren) suicide and mermaid self-mutilation. The Starbucks logo looks like a mermaid who’s pulling at both ends of her tail and trying to split herself in half.  See what I mean?

Ironic how when we go to the post office to mail boxes, it’s because they’re too big for our mailboxes.

I’ve clipped my fingernails at bus stops all over this town. My DNA is everywhere. If I happen to run into a clone of me in the future, I won’t be surprised.

If the letter W is called double-U, then shouldn’t the lowercase m be called double-n?  How about the number 8?  Looks like a double-3 to me.

I rather see homeless people in Beverly Hills than rich hipsters canvassing and casing out their next target of gentrification in Skid Row or any other poor neighborhood.

“Donuts” is not the correct spelling. It’s “doughnuts.” The “dough” in “doughnuts” is pronounced “doe”, as in John Doe. The “do” in “donuts” is pronounced “dew” as in Mountain Dew or doo-doo. When you write “donuts”, you’re actually saying “do nuts,” which makes you (sound) nuts. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts has it right. Dunkin’ Donuts has it wrong. Get with it, America.

Not sure why Trojan Condoms went with that name. The Trojan War is famous for a wooden horse that was cracked open to release several Greek soldiers in the middle of the night onto the unsuspecting city of Troy. That doesn’t sound like much protection to me, son.

The country has been on a downward spiral of intellectualism for a long time now. People these days take pride in being ignorant, stupid, and ill-informed. It’s reflected in our politics, entertainment, social media language, education rankings in the world, etc. And I’m not sure if there’s anything we can do about it.

That awkward moment when you think you have a group of pretty solid friends, talk to a bunch of people, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and notice that you’ve had a booger in your nose the whole time.

Since this vote on whether or not Britain should leave the EU is being called Brexit, if Britain decides to rejoin the EU, will it be called Brentrance?

I had to do an underarm funk check the other day. These fools thought I dabbed on ’em. I yelled out across the way, “Nah, I wasn’t dancing. I was checking to see if I stank.” They won’t make that mistake again.

A woman got on the city bus and complained that the seats weren’t leather. Lady, you can go back from whence your dumb ass came. Ain’t no leather here. What kind of bus did you think you were riding?

…Minutes later, the same woman pulled the cord for the bus to stop. When the doors opened, she spat out the window and said, “Sorry. Had to spit, couldn’t swallow it.” Now, you really need to leave.

Toiletries is probably the most unappealing name for things that you put in your mouth and body.

There’s a video that’s gone viral of a snail eating a mushroom. Can you imagine that? Eating something that’s actually bigger than you? That would be like Kanye eating his ego.

Mobil and Chevron need to get together and do a coin flip to see who’s going to keep the blue, red, and white colors. They are almost always next to one another, and in a rush, that shit gets confusing.

Hearing healthy minded people talk about being healthy makes me want to do as many unhealthy things as humanly possible. I’ll start with a Van Gogh-style ear trim.

I saw someone wearing flesh-toned tights. Flesh-toned tights?! Who’s flesh is cardboard box tan? Because that’s the color I always see.

When the announcer on the loudspeaker at the train station says, “Thanks for going Metro,” I think some guys took it as a directive to dress like bitches.

Being that he’s an icon a long-running educational program, a futuristic TV franchise, and a historical ground-breaking mini-series, LeVar Burton could actually could go back in time and teach some slaves how to read.

Saw a man walking his dog without a leash. The leash was around the man’s neck. Nothing much else to say here. It is what it is.

I can only hear “bro” so many times in a conversation. If it gets excessive, I begin to block out all ambient sounds. I couldn’t even take it if my own brothers were saying it. Some people take it to the extreme by using “bro” as not only a noun but as a verb and preposition, too. What’s worse than that is the term “brah.” How can one be so lazy and noncommittal? Listen to yourself. You took a monosyllabic word and gave up halfway through saying it. “Brooo…aaaaaaaaaaah.”

Saw a Prius and a Maserati almost run into each other. It was a standoff. Didn’t know which asshole I wanted to lose.

A tenant in my building makes the entire floor smell like hot garbage. Smells like a mixture of wet dog fur, spoiled meatloaf, raw eggs, a plate of moldy cheese and crackers, low confidence, heartbreak, and rancid loneliness. I tried to spray some air freshener down that hall the other night. The spray refused to come out of the can.

Her name was Jacqueline, sat in the back of class, cackling,
heckling, never tattling, sweet and killer like saccharine,
she could hide her Jekyll-ing, spicy like Zatarains,
after school tackling dudes, pants down, hands down,
straight up behind the gym and shacks, snacking on madeleines.
Old folks called her fast, she wouldn’t last, no touch of class, so much sass,
Coined her hot ass, loins assassin, everlasting groin smashin’,
But Jacqueline had dreams, mad schemes, wanted to turn over a new leaf,
Like a gardener peeping for weeds, sowing seams in an autumn breeze.
As bad as it seems, she wasn’t pregnant yet, saw the benefit of slowing it down,
she was hesitant at first, no ho-ing around, reverse the predicate, the worst’s relevant,
Told the boys no, she was done with getting done, kept her poise, though,
Back of the bus, she lacked lust, it’s lackluster, the pack lusts her,
She forced the issue, prickly like boar thistle, tough like coarse gristle,
Leave me alone, she declared, she owned her destiny with flare, official,
They rarely cared, didn’t take her serious, they were furious, she dealt with them in a manner imperious.
Continued threats got her scared, changed her route home, carefully prepared,
Then one day the bell rang, class was dismissed, she tried to flee the BS,
Buddy’d up with Lorraine cutting around CVS, they got cornered by those idiots,
Walls closing in, Lorraine got away, ran and got a stranger, left her girl in danger,
When they got to the scene, Jacqueline couldn’t breathe, welts on her knees,
Lashes on her cheek, bloody nose, missing teeth, torn sleeves, gasps and heaves,
Where were the thieves? May not have stolen her innocence, but they damn sure stole her dreams,
Stole her life, so vibrant, just snuffed out, so violent, infinity blues, took away her ability to choose,
The rain came down, ultra violet, the worst thing is that those fools are still on the loose.

   * * *

So take peek at this fixture of this corner store of liquor, this figure in the Knicks wear, the cigarette spark flickers, when it gets dark in the park quicker, this is young Mark Victor, whose crew is on the verge of being a neighborhood scourge, better check the old ticker, his people urge him to drop ’em, encourage him to stop ’em, but he says they always got ’em and their bond he’ll never purge.
Vic was a piece of shit, never going legit, scamming and scheming don’t quit, needed to cease and desist
His antics and tactics on the list, causing manic panics, pfft…you get the gist, of the kid that just couldn’t resist
Yet he took it rather heavy, the bevy of friends and kin deftly trying to inform him, of those that may harm him, he wasn’t listening, just kept on bitchin’ ’bout heavy levies that he had to pay his brethren on occasion
Part of his initiation, his own creation, hanging with boys destined for incarceration, they’re complacent, led by Jason, never backpedal, mind your business out there, if you meddle in affairs, you prove your mettle with the metal.
Gold medal to the rebel devil who could play this game, to lay a dame, roll up, say her name, take her, make her shame, make sure that you came,
Deep down he knew it was wrong, to belong to a throng of dongs only concerned with hitting bongs, dipping schlongs, and ripping thongs, he preached the same song all day long, but in the end, he pledged lifelong camaraderie and would always tag along
So down on the ave, on the corner of Venus and Armstrong, the boys peeped two girls easing around CVS, they were a seething mess, cause them exceeding stress
Victor tried to intervene, didn’t want to be part of this sinner scene, too obscene, his inner being was guillotined when he heard the girls scream,
He pulled Jason off Lorraine, she broke out, Jason grabbed Vic, began to choke out, while the others violated, bashed her face, smashed, erased, the light in her eyes smoked out
The crew fled, left Jacqueline there dead, in a pool of red, breathless, helpless, Victor was left friendless, had to law low, stayed with some selfless cousins out in Waco, knew he was on borrowed time, part of a horrid crime, he knew the crew’s actions were fatal.
A few months go by, living on the fly, he dodged the law, got too confident, thought he could chance the see-saw
Missed his fam, still on the lam, he went back to see them, told his mom and brother he was innocent and to believe him.
Heard the boys were still in town, he went to see them in the PJs, no one was around where he stayed and parlayed
Through the hood he tried to creep, not making a peep, turned a corner and Jacqueline’s brother, Saadiq, hopped out of a jeep
Vic froze in the street, he let out a few bleeps, Saadiq’s peeps surrounded him and knocked off his feet, they were ten deep.
Vic pleaded to no avail, on deaf ears his words fell, karma had succeeded, he closed his eyes and whispered a prayer before his life was deleted.

How is it that vomiting can encompass one of the worst and best feelings that one can experience? The pain of the retching and gagging and then the relief at the end. Sort of like listening to a whole Taylor Swift song.

I saw a sign at a shopping center on the 405 that read, “Over 25 Eateries. Unlimited Taste.” Umm, that is limited.  25 is a limit.

How is it that people don’t want to eat fake food with no GMOs and chemicals and such but soy chicken, soy bacon, and other fake food is OK?

When someone really dumb says that she or he’s trying to recall something “to the best of their knowledge,” then that’s not really saying much.

Cunningham: Another name for a smart pig.

The high-end gym Equinox in Century City has at least 4 valet attendants at 7:00 AM. Hey, lazy rich people! Valet parking at your gym is lazy as hell. It’s too early to be that stupid. You probably have your personal trainer doing your entire workout for you too, huh?  You’ll never lose weight and be in shape.  You’ll be out of shape and rich for your whole life.  You’ll be…wait a second.  You’re rich.  You don’t need to have good health.  Forget everything I said.  How can I be down?

Nickname for that asshole hogging up that one piece of gym equipment that you needed an hour ago: A razorback in a racerback.

Fake booties are on the rise in America. Women, and some men, are resorting to getting injections into their gluteus maximuses. I call them GMO booties. A quick Google search pulled up this info, “The average cost of buttock augmentation with fat grafting is $4,077; buttock implants is $4,580 and buttock lift is $4,509, according to 2014 statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons.” That’s a whole lot of money. You could do other things with that money. How does it feel when you sit down? Maybe like sitting on a stack of cash, like this guy.

Foreigners who move here only to have their first generation kids speak with these annoying American dialects must often rethink their decision to immigrate here and whether or not if it was really worth it.

One of my favorite taco spots is Tacos Por Favor. In their window, they advertise a huarache dish with a big blue corn tortilla. A huarache is a flatbread typically with salsa, onions, cilantro, and meat on it. It also means a type of sandal. At the time of reading that window sign, I didn’t know it meant a food.  So my confusion was on the magnitudinous level of an atomic bomb.

Things That Piss Me Off, #3728-E: Guys who wear fedoras or trilby hats every day. Every day! It’s fine to wear one every now and then, but every day? You should be sent to the gallows. Who told you looked cute? That person lied. Back in the day, a suit, hat, and tie were the standard uniform for a man. Everyone wore that. That was then. This is now. And you’re an ass. You make a wrong left in your time machine Prius? Your Rat Pack Halloween costume won’t come off? What? You think you’re Dick Tracy or something? You got a mystery to solve? Here, solve the mystery of why the fuck you’re wearing fedoras every gotdamn day!

My friend’s mom thinks that a booty call and butt dialing is the same thing. She routinely says excellent statements like, “I keep booty calling your sister today, ” and “Sorry for booty calling you last night.”

Signs I Want To See In My Lifetime, #128: “Welcome to the Center of Sexual Harassment. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry to see you go, but we love to see you leave.”

Firefighters in Seattle must be bored out of their minds.

Cats don’t need us. They’re perfectly fine on their own. Dogs, on the other hand, need human interaction. Well, at least for the domesticated ones. Which makes it truly ironic that cats are more like lone wolves than dogs are, while dogs are more pussy than cats are.

If you say “seriously” more than once or twice in a sentence, then I can’t take you seriously.

One of my favorites: Yo mama is so ugly, you have to shave her ass and teach her to walk backwards.

Only “first-world” people say the word “annoyed” or “annoying.” No one anywhere else in the world uses that word so frequently. People who think they have problems that, in the real world, aren’t really problems get annoyed at the smallest inconvenience. No poor, starving person has never had the gall, complete lack of empathy, or insularity to be annoyed because the barista gave him coffee with steamed milk instead of the whipped milk that he had his precious, little heart set on.

A friend has black mold in his apartment building because a repair man did a terrible job. It’s kind of sad when you have to repair what the repairman repaired.

I’m playing the lottery a lot these days just so I can do this in front of millions of people.

Random Knowledge Section:
The clitoris and the penis are the same. For a brief time, that is. When a baby is developing inside the womb, there’s a point when the baby has no physical gender-specific features. So if the baby is to be a girl, that area will form into a clitoris. If the baby is to be a boy, then the area will form into a penis. With that said, let’s talk about steroids. Side effects of anabolic steroid usage include enlargement of the clitoris in women and shrinkage of the testicles in men. It’s kind of amazing that a substance can have the such opposite effects on opposite genders’ organs that are derived from essentially the same physiological matter.

Bitch Session:
There are a group of men out in the world that need to stop being bitches. They’re called men-bitches.  Or bitch-men.  Or “fuck that guy.”  Some traits that men-bitches tend to possess include, but not limited to, the following: passive-aggressive behavior; being self-centered; unreasonably tight pants that are basically jeggings; dyed, frosted, or highlighted hair; colored contact lenses; hipster-isms; frequent whining about things that don’t matter, like his life; a perpetual state of fleeting annoyance; strange obsessive love of cats; expensive tastes while wearing rags and/or low/common/destitute tastes while wearing $5000 in tailored clothing; hair longer than the average woman’s; no callouses on his hands; wears shades at night; has a professional full-scale setup at home for brewing coffee and craft beer; rides a single-speed, fixed gear, fixie bike but lives in a $3000/month loft apartment; constantly chastises women for not dressing up but looks like shit himself; wears an enlarged V-neck T-shirt that his whole body can fit through; does push-ups on his knees; gossips about all day long; always on social media; has hundreds of reviews on Yelp; bowls with a child-size ball; sometimes gets his eyebrows arched, etc. You get the gist of the list.