Dog owners get upset when they can’t bring their dogs inside a restaurant. Why are you getting mad? Why can’t you bring your dog inside? Because this is a people establishment. You don’t see people trying to get into a doghouse.

They need to fire ever single ref in NBA and higher all knew people. –a friend’s Facebook post

There’s a a truck rental company called Suppose U Drive. Huh? Pretty passive-aggressive, unlike the more direct U-Haul.

Depending on how it’s written or the font it’s in, the letter W should be renamed Double-V.

A few mornings ago, a couple of dog owners were out yapping about their dogs as usual. One said to the other, “Lately my dog’s been like Grrrrrrrr to other dogs, and I don’t know why.” Hmmm, I have a theory. Maybe it’s because your dog is a dog.

Gasoline rainbows are a strange phenomenon.  I’m sure everyone’s seen one before.  It’s when gas leaks from cars and mixes with rainwater, puddles, or any other liquid in the street.  (That didn’t sound right.)  You can see a rainbow in the mixture.  This is cool and all, but the real phenomenon is seeing a butt in your cup of coffee.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Has anyone seen it?  The light hits your cup at such an angle and then presto!  You’ve got a butt in your cup.  Look for it.  Palabra.

Witnessed this convo the other day:
Person 1: Hey. How are ya?
Person 2: Fine. How are you?
Person 1: busy. I don’t have time to talk.
????
Don’t initiate a dialogue if you don’t have time to speak, crackhead. That’s like someone saying that they won’t whup your ass, and then 10 minutes later, that person whups your ass…which actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea right about now.

The corner of Lankershim and Hatteras in North Hollywood has a weed dispensary called NoHo’s Finest and a car dealership called LA’s Best. As far as I know, this has gots to be the cockiest street intersection in the city.

I’m not here for the fight game. I’m here for the love game.
–said by a old guy in a wifebeater and shorts rubbing his gut while looking down at the empty seat next to him on the bus last Saturday

When people say they’re leaving work for the day for personal reasons, isn’t that a given? Has anyone ever left because of public reasons?

Over on the Westside, there’s a watch shop with a “FREE BATTERY FOR LIFE” banner in front of it. Does that mean you get free batteries for the rest of your life, or a free battery for the life of the battery? I think I just confused myself.

I know a guy whose dancing looks like Spider-Man caught in his own web with his ass on fire.
I know a lady who stumbled around at a meeting like Frankenstein trying to do Tai Chi just after getting off a high-speed merry-go-round.
I know a dude whose laugh sounds like he got caught in a bear trap and shot in the buttocks at the same time.

Women who beat their men shouldn’t have to wear wifebeaters. They should have their own style of tank top called a hubbyclubby.

There’s a restaurant in town that has the following posted as its hours of operation: 9AM DAILY, 9AM SAT AND SUN. This is so amazingly redundant I have to repeat it. There’s a restaurant in town that has the following posted as its hours of operation: 9AM DAILY, 9AM SAT AND SUN.

The other night, some unleashed little dog ran past me as I was walking down the sidewalk. It circled back around and jumped on the back of my lower leg, trying to impregnate it. Something about my leg must have looked very sexy to that particular dog. My calf must look like a sassy poodle or something. I had to shake it off my leg. Of course, the nearby owner claimed that the dog was only being friendly and that she was sorry for her dog’s behavior. Lady, keep your dog on a leash. Me, invest in some catcher’s shin guards for protection from horny dogs.

Crazy people on the bus are a mystery to me. They can be plum nutty, crazier-than-a-loon, out-of-their-minds insane while they’re onboard, but they seem to always sober up just in time to ring the bell in time for their particular stop. I’ve never seen a crazy person say, “Oh damn, y’all! I missed my stop. My bad, bus driver.” You would think that with all of that yelling, shadow boxing, moving around, and peeing on the bus, they’d be distracted from noticing that their stop’s coming up. That internal clock must be something else.

Not sure why the “real” in “real estate” is there for. What does it even mean? I mean, really. I imagine that whenever a “real” estate agent shows me a property for sale and it turns out to be a Barbie dreamhouse, then I reckon the term “fake estate” will be more applicable.

Watching all of these guys in the 1980s walk around with these big, majestic boomboxes made me want one, too. Badly. I also watched TV constantly and read a lot, so I knew a ton of words. However, I would use these words out of context every now and then. So when Ma asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her the stereotype that I wanted was one of those LaSonic boomboxes.

I almost died last week. I almost got hit while crossing the street by someone who was texting while driving. Dumbass was making a left turn while her head was down, and didn’t see me walking. New law: Any driver who comes dangerously close to hitting a pedestrian should have to stop their car, get out of it, lie down on the pavement, and allow the pedestrian to kick the living fecal matter out of ’em. It’s only fair. If you, protected and surrounded in your vehicle, are willing to crash your machine of metal into my unprotected human frame of flesh and bones, then you should be willing to have me crash the metal from my steel toe boots into your unprotected body, at the very least. Either that or pedestrians get to shoot drivers in the face. Hell, you don’t need that face anyway. You weren’t using it to look at the road in the first place.

Why does Rite Aid and other stores like to give you long-ass receipts? I have no idea what’s going on. I bought one item. Why is this receipt so long? I can tie this end to the register, thread the rest through every aisle in the store, and still have enough paper left over to fly to India and TP the Taj Mahal. There’s more paper in this receipt that there is paper in the notebook I just purchased.

This guy sitting next to me at this restaurant ordered a coffee. The waitress comes out with his coffee in a paper cup. She explains that there’s a shortage of coffee mugs at the restaurant, and that a paper cup is the best she could do for the time being. The guy gives her and the paper cup a snooty look and starts complaining. He acted as if she brought his coffee to him in a gorilla’s armpit. Minutes later, the waitress comes back out and pours the man’s coffee into this perfectly fine ceramic latte mug. Again, the guy mumbles to his friend at the table with him, and complains about how he prefers a “real” coffee mug. Meanwhile, he’s looking at my coffee mug as if I personally set out to take his beloved mug when I was here first. Ay, yo, asshole! Stop being an asshole. Nothing’s wrong with your coffee. It’ll taste the same whether you drink it out of a coffee mug or a latte cup. Give the lady a break. She’s doing the best she can, and your piece-of-sheeeeit attitude isn’t making her day any brighter. If it were me, I would’ve poured it into your cupped hands. Make your own cup. What’s that you say? It’s really hot. Awww, I’m sorry. Go fuck yourself.

Happy Mama’s Day!

A man recently, during a 9-hour bus layover, committed 10 or 11 felonies in Nashville.  Talk about maximizing your free time!  If he does this much on the outside, imagine what he could potentially do in prison when he’s got nothing but free time.

When Angelenos see a bus, they must drop whatever they’re doing — no matter what it is: gardening, driving, skipping, saying “awesome” — and get in front of the bus.  That’s it.  They do not like to see buses in free-flowing traffic.  At all.  Once, I saw a plane swoop down, jump in front of my bus for about 20 minutes, and then ascend back up to the sky.

I ran away from home once.  After a few hours, I stopped and headed back when I realized the house wasn’t chasing me.

WHAT I THOUGHT I TYPED: “In a meeting at work.” REALITY: It actually was “In aa meeting at work.”

How many construction workers does it take to make a sheet of construction paper?

I wonder if the police have ever read the Miranda Rights to a Miranda Wright.

Can someone make a citizen’s arrest on an illegal alien in international waters?

There’s a pothole in my neighborhood that’s the width of the entire street.  It’s pretty deep, but that doesn’t stop people from speeding over it.  When someone drives over it, it sounds like an explosion.  From now on, it will be known as The Great Depression because no one should ever go through it.

—

Someone told me that this George Wallace tweet sounded like something I’d say:

Why the hell does Southwest stop 9 times between Memphis and Atlanta? You late for work? Wave at a Southwest plane they’ll pick your ass up.

—

The Lucky One.  Yeah, that movie.  Another cryfest of a movie.  The movie came out on April 20th, or 4/20 for the cannabis crowd.  Say what you want about the movie, but the marketing is brilliant.  You’d really have to be high off your ass to pay money to see this movie.

The word assassins has the word ass in it twice, which, to me, means that the original assassins of ancient Persia must have had big ol’ booties.

The single greatest achievement of the Internet, instant messaging, and texting is not making the world smaller by bringing people closer together, but exposing how many of your family and friends can’t spell.

That red velvet cake was so good, I wanted to burn the restaurant down so that no one after me could have any.

If this day were anymore screwed, I’d need some KY. And I ain’t talking about Kentucky.

It’s taking me forever to read this speed reading book.

The Trojan Vibrating Touch is not for sale in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and Virginia, making them the only eight states in the union to outlaw general happiness for women.

Chuck Norris is half Irish and half Cherokee, which makes him 100% drunk.  –my sharp-witted coworker, Joel

On the bus with a class of rambunctious mentally challenged kids. One gets annoyed, stands up, turns around, and yells at his classmates, “Shut up! You guys are acting retarded!”

Florida is the South’s trash can. –Peter Griffin

Was cramped up on a crowded bus. Uncomfortable as .  My arm got more sleep than I did.

Why do people with no teeth always want to talk to me?

Speaking of no teeth, I saw a guy with no teeth buying toothpaste at Rite Aid.

There’s a cocktail lounge/strip club next door to a middle school in West LA.  The club is called Plan B.  Just in case school doesn’t work out…

Almost got hit by a truck this morning. That’s alright, though, because I hit it back.

1) Just saw a woman leaving a Starbucks riding a unicycle. Clown.

2) You can’t have loud phone conversations about spending your “big money” if you’re on the bus. You just can’t.
Saw a fire engine with a sticker on it that read “Fire Extinguisher Inside.” I hope so.

That “Baby On Board” sign in your car window goes for you, too. People’ll stop driving like maniacs when you stop.

Just saw someone with the greasiest face I’ve ever seen. A fly landed on it, slipped off, and literally plummeted to its death.

Has anyone ever seen a truly peach-colored peach?

If you were to do a clockwise roundhouse kick while standing on top of a washing machine with a spin cycle that’s going counterclockwise that’s positioned on top of a merry-go-round turning clockwise, all while Earth’s continuing its counterclockwise rotation, would you travel through time?

Yes, it’s Shark Week, but it’s also World Breastfeeding Week. Coincidence? I think not. Connect the dots, America. The revolution is upon us.

“You ever see someone you don’t know, again?” –Louis C.K.

From time to time, people will tell me that they saw me driving luxury cars, checking into lavish hotels, and in places I’ve never visited. I have a doppelganger out there who’s getting me into trouble…and making me sound more interesting than I am.

DeLane McDuffie: Rated #2 in the world in walking inadvertently through giant spider webs on Thursday mornings.

I like you better the more I see you less.

Just heard someone say, “They sell ’em at the supermarket. How come they don’t sell Metro passes at Subway?”

I enjoy talking to you; my mind needs a rest.

So many people in LA freaking out about Carmageddon, you’d think it was raining outside.

Unlike this weekend’s Carmageddon, Karmageddon is when you get that parking space you deserve after driving around for eternity, but it’s too late because the end of the world’s going down in 5 minutes.

Sign that you have low self-esteem and your day is going to suck, #21: You look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, and your reflection gives you the finger.

If you look in the mirror and your reflection frowns and turns its back to you, you might be a little hard on the eyes.

No matter who you are, no matter how many times you do it, no matter how hard you try, it is impossible to look cool while carrying a 16-pack of toilet tissue. It just ain’t happening.

Saw a pharmaceutical commercial yesterday advising you to cease taking a particular pill if you notice any “abnormal bleeding.” Abnormal bleeding? As opposed to everyday, garden-variety, normal bleeding? (Not what you think, folks.)
 
Which is scarier, someone whose eyes are too close together or too far apart?
 
An inspirational and moving status update that uplifts the human condition and helps everyone get through the day. #sarcasm
 
Pulling ponytails is fun until you pull a pony’s tail. #kickinthecashews
 
It is so hot in this building that my beads of sweat are sweating beads of sweat.
 
Sitting across from a man wearing a black shirt with a white milky liquid streaming down his shirt. He appears to be lactating. Ugh. No more breakfast cereal  for me.

“My mole gives me character.” –What I overheard some guy tell another guy in the public restroom, while standing at the urinals

Hey, fishermen and joggers in wooded areas! How come you always” find” the dead bodies?

“The toe is the Achilles’ heel of the foot.” –football analyst Ron Jaworski

Wednesday’s Candidate for the Clearance Rack: that person who gets uncomfortably close to you when talking. If this person were any closer to you, he or she would be behind you. Everything must go!

So I see this lady pushing this kid in a stroller. She stops. The kid climbs out and starts pushing the stroller. When this happens, your child’s too big to be pushed around in a stroller. Give it up. Kid’s not a baby anymore. Let ’em walk.

Back when I was a youngin’, I used to think that a misogynist was someone who gave massages. I was wrong.

(to the tune of The Notorious B.I.G.’s “Ten Crack Commandments”)
(hear the original here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYb_8MM1tGQ)

—

[Chuck D] “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9”

Uhh, it’s the 10 mass transit commandments
What, uhh, uhh
Riders can’t tell me nothin’ ‘bout this Metro, uh huh
Can’t tell me nothin’ ‘bout this Marta, this Bart
To my hustlin’ riders
Riders at the bus stop, I ain’t forget you riders
My triple B riders, word up

[Chuck D] “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9”
“10”

I’ve ridden this train for years with plenty of animals
There’s rules to this route, I wrote you a manual
A step-by-step booklet for you to get
Your train on track and boss off your back

Rule numero uno: Never let no one know
How many tokens you hold, ‘cause you know,
You’ll see jealousy steadily especially
If that man’s got no fare, give you a stare that scares

Number deuce: You never know whose screw’s loose
Don’t you know the silent can be defiant and violent?
At first, they’ll show some shyness (uh huh)
Act fine in the line, then go nuts on the bus

Number three: Avoid saps with tons of crap.
Don’t let them set your ass up, blocking the pass up
Don’t be the last up, move with urgency
It’ll be impossible to get by ‘em in an emergency

Number four: you’ve haven’t heard this before
Whatever you drop on the floor is yours no more.

Number five: For max power, take longer showers.
The sour stank of the smelly can stay on you for hours.

Number six: Dead that credit.  Yeah, I said it.
Think a bus driver’ll let you ride for free?  Sheeeit, forget it.

Seven: This rule can’t be overstated.
Never lock eyes with crazies before it’s too late, kid.
I’ve seen ‘em hurdle seats, spit out drinks, scream at empty space
All so they can get up in your face

Number eight: Never sit by kids eating food
Before that ride’s through, that meal will be on you

Number nine shoulda been number one in my head
If you didn’t know already, chivalry is dead (uh huh)
Got up once so a blind lady wouldn’t be on her feet
Turned around, she had her seeing-eye dog in the seat

Number ten: this one is important to bus behavior
Once those eyes close, no one can save ya
Use caffeine, ginseng, get your pupils dilated
If you wake up amongst smiles, you’ve been violated

Follow these rules from the time that you wake up
If not, you’ll sit next to some guy eating makeup
Lug your sheeeit down Temple, watch your knees ache up
You flag down your buddy Jacob, he zooms past

Your soul mate and you may break up
Heard last week they hated that you took a pay cut
Threw you out, now bus fare you got to scrape up
Gotta go, this guy’s dandruff’s ‘bout to flake up, good luck

Train track king, Ink Slinga
Uhh

[Chuck D] “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9”
“10”

No matter what white-collar or blue-collar crime I commit, it shouldn’t be labeled that if I’m wearing a T-shirt or a wife beater when I commit the crime.

The suburbs: Where they cut down the trees and name their streets after them.  –some bumper sticker

OMG, ppl! I can’t w8 2 find something mildly entertaining 2 do this holiday weekend so I can share it & every other aspect of my life with u on FB! So awesome! So much to say! Y is there a character limit anyway??? OMG! OMG is ROFL @ me LMAO! #sarcasm

If you’re one who continually yells into your cell phone and/or feels the need to have your entire conversation on loud-speaker in public, do me a favor and swallow your phone. I’ll call 911 for you. (Nope. I won’t.) Thanks.

Once saw a “Help Wanted” sign in front of a psychic reader’s house. Draw your own conclusions.

After checking the time on the LCD display in the ICU unit, I found the ISBN number to the GRE exam book that I needed, but forgot my PIN number at the ATM machine.

Saw one of those “How Am I Driving?” stickers on the back of a big rig and called the 1-800 number. Told ’em, “With your hands and feet,” and hung up.

Note: Phlebotomy and lobotomy may sound alike, but they aren’t the same thing.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

The only thing that’s keeping me from snapping you in half is that I don’t want two of you around.

First time I heard about someone having shingles when I was a kid, an image of a man with a roof for a back came to mind.

Bucket List Item #14: To change the traffic lights to black lights and see which cars carry the most dust at night.

How about never? Is never good for you?

The next time you give your clothes away, stay in them.

There are more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the United States every year.

Paranoia is when you’re conversing with a group of people and you suddenly start frisking them because you think one of them is wearing a wire.

Thinking about writing a series of the most trivial FB statuses of all time, posting one every 5 minutes for 24 hours. Today’s post is practice. Here goes: DeLane sees a paper clip on the ground. He’s thinking about picking it up.

The “No shoes. No shirt. No service.” sign at restaurants is a little outdated. Who left out “No pants”? And why this rule in the 1st place? One possibility: eateries banded together to keep the Incredible Hulk from having a pleasant dining experience.

While waiting for a train, someone came up to me and asked if the train had passed yet. Ignored him. Not sure if he thought I was a hologram of the me that caught the last train, or some freak who just liked to watch the pretty choo-choos zoom by.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. But if a person’s your sworn enemy, got you fired, stole your fiance(e), bullied you, snatched your lunch money, tortured you with daily wedgies…yeah, maybe letting that person drive isn’t a bad idea after all.

Try calling someone “homely” instead of “homie” every once in a while. No one will notice.

Years ago, during my first time in Atlanta, a kid not even 5 feet tall said to me on the MARTA train, “What up, shawty?” Upon realizing that I was taller than him, I became instantly and thoroughly confused.

If you get in a car accident and the car that you hit disintegrates, then the your car is probably too big.

A friend just said to me, “Yesterday, I saw someone who reminded me of someone I can’t remember.”

Trying to convince this guy that she wasn’t nuts, an insane lady repeated Einstein’s definition of insanity 7 times yesterday. She must’ve really misunderstood the definition.

Bucket List Item #5: To understand why they are so hated and vilified, I must research & find out what the despicable, heinous act was that the end pieces of bread loaves did to the human race.

Instead of selling cookies, wouldn’t it make more sense if Brownie Girl Scouts sold…ehh…um…brownies?

I asked a Quaker to make me some oatmeal. He said no and told me to go fly a kite. Hmm…

There’s something about these 24-hour 7-Elevens that just doesn’t add up to me. According to my calculations, they should be 8,760/365s.

“There’s a thin line between being a hero and being a memory.” –Optimus Prime, 1984

While waiting in the basement for the elevator, some genius asked me if the elevator was going up.  I told him that it did go up, and if he closed his eyes and wished really hard, then it could go sideways, too.  I took the stairs.

Is your family happy, or do you go home at night?

Just heard a guy say, “Now that’s the biggest insurance scam in the world!”  Someone asked, “What’s that?” Guy replies, “Insurance.” Crack kills.

ECNALUBMA means “get off your phone and move out the way!!!!!” in English.

Early morning drinking needs to stop.  Why?  Just ask the drunk dude I just saw doing push-ups in a puddle of milk.

Saw a guy talking on his phone last weekend, saying “You can’t be as oily as I am.”  I didn’t stick around to hear anymore.

If a one-legged man shops during a half-off shoe sale, shouldn’t he get another half off the sale price since he’s really buying only shoe?

I find it odd that the word “sweater” can mean a person who sweats a lot or a knitted jacket that keeps you warm in cold weather–weather that usually doesn’t make you sweat.

While waiting for the light to change, I saw a woman pull out a pregnancy test from its packaging, in traffic.  My immediate response was to wonder, “Is she going to do that now?”

There were 8 LAPD cars in front of my building last night.  Apparently, there was a potential jumper on the roof. But EIGHT cop cars?  I’m guessing this person must’ve been tossing down doughnuts.

I knew a lady who would go through a whole pack of Chips Ahoy with her kids, dipping each cookie into a tub of butter.  Yeah. I know.  Terrible way to feed a kid.  I agree.  Double Stuff Oreos would’ve been better.

Ever wonder why there aren’t any drive-bys done in hybrids?  Me too.  They’re quiet & their mileage is nuts! Gonna start the world’s 1st eco-friendly gang, Gang Green.  Replace the crack game w/ stevia & sea salt.  With these healthier alternatives, we’ll have the streets on lock, baby!

I just found out that centuries ago the name Saint Valentine was actually attributed to not one but three different martyrs…THREE different people!  Which goes to show that even in these modern times, it’s perfectly acceptable and reasonable to have 3 valentines.

A woman once asked me to give her the world. I gave her a globe. Later, I asked her for a hand. She gave me the finger. At least we were on the same page.

Stop Googling & running background checks on your dates! It takes all the fun out of dating. Finding out your upcoming blind date’s an axe murderer is cheating at the game of love.

Yes, this little piggy did go to market, one stayed home, one had roast beef while another had none, & the fifth did cry “wee, wee, wee,” all the way home. But if you take the nursery-rhyme cuteness away, this shopaholic, agoraphobe, cow-preying swine, anorexic, and French-speaking thrillseeker all needed an intervention.

You’ve heard of the Electric Slide, but are you ready for my new invention, the Electric Slip ‘n’ Slide? Never has sliding on a wet, electrified sheet of plastic been so fun! What could go wrong?

Just heard this convo. Guy says to girl, “Sometimes I’m Catholic, sometimes I’m agnostic.” She asks, “What are you today?” He replies, “Catholic, I think. Whatever it says on my Facebook.”

I’ll never forget the first time we met — but I’ll keep trying.

It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful.

I like you. I have no taste, but I like you.

This guy is talking to me right now. He doesn’t know that I’m not listening.

Tried to go to the bookstore yesterday, but it was temporarily closed for Justin Beiber’s book signing of his new MEMOIRS. (Crickets chirping.)

I’d like to say I’m glad you’re here…i’d like to say it.

So tired. My cup of coffee needed a cup of coffee to wake up.

Someone with a thick unibrow, frowning and yelling at something invisible, just got on the train. It’s been nice knowing y’all.

Crest toothpaste and Oral-B toothbrushes: Clinically proven to make even the biggest mouth STFU for at least 2 minutes a day.

What’s with all the commercials before movie trailers nowadays? If I wanted to see all of these commercials, I would’ve stayed at home and watched ’em on TV.

Today’s Life Lesson in Rhyme: Never again will I say hello to that crazy old man. / For this morning, he tried to greet me with snot in his hand.

So I was hanging out with Mario, Luigi, Pac Man, and Donkey Kong last Saturday, and we made jokes about Pac’s lack of a digestive system. He said that he really didn’t give a $#!+.

Just saw a road crew working near a “Slow Men at Work” sign & a “Speed Limit 15” sign. With laws like those, no wonder it’s taking them forever to fix that pothole.

All hope is lost when you know someone who thinks Pearl Harbor is the name of a sushi restaurant.

I’ve heard of guys in LA who wear shades at the gym. If I see you wearing sunglasses at the gym, there better be a dog in front of you on the treadmill.

Monday-Morning Curmedgeon says, “I’m thankful that people have stopped being thankful and have gone back to being greedy, trampling on one another for Christmas toys. I was worried there for a second.”

Ever been laughing hard at something and then someone with a loud, obnoxious laugh (or someone you don’t like) joins in, and then whatever you were laughing at just isn’t funny to you anymore?

I saw a flyer about a lost dog.  The owner said that he was a combat war vet and that the dog was his life.  He said the dog jumped from his fourth-story window.  I’m guessing the dog was a war vet, too, and was more than likely a paratrooper.

I’ve been trying to think up some birthday party ideas and themes for my 33rd birthday.  So far I’ve come up with the “I’m the same age as Jesus when he was executed” party.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about starting a website called Taking-Pics-Of-Other-Guys’-Girlfriends.com.

Actual phone conversation overheard on the bus: “Yeah, yeah, I went to his house so I could beat his punk ass.  But erotically, that dude was at my house looking for me!”  Please learn when to use “erotically” and when to use “ironically.”

If you say “like” more than 25 times in a sentence, kill yourself.

A girl once asked me for the world; I gave her a globe.  I asked her for a hand; she gave me the finger.  At least we’re on the same page.

“That brotha’s on a Segway!” –Said to a woman by her guy as I passed them on a Segway

Just heard a man on his phone say, “Ay yo! I wasn’t ready! I wasn’t prepared for that Preparation H.” I wasn’t prepared to hear him say that.

L.A. is a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit here.

People have been passionately telling me to go to this place for the longest time, but no one’s ever given me directions. I’m pretty excited to visit and need a vacation. So does anyone know where a town called Hell is?

Whenever Obama comes into town, his motorcade slows down traffic, causing me to get home in about 3 hours. Next time I go to DC, I’m rolling with an army of nonagenarians, tortoises, sloths, and slow-moving postal workers, and we’re shutting the city D – O – W – N.

Saw a kid inside the observation deck of the Sears Tower (now Willis Tower) point to a building faraway and say to his parents, “Look, there’s the Sears Tower!” Somebody help him.

I had my identity stolen once. Ten minutes later, some guy gave it back. Said he didn’t need it THAT bad. 😦

I’m an Aquarius, and I love poetry…and long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

If I’m out minding my own business and your snarling dog starts running straight at me, I don’t want to hear you say that your dog, Bella, is friendly. Obviously, she’s not listening to you.

A broken clock may be right twice a day, but it’s also wrong 1,438 times a day.

One night, I walked outside and saw 2 llamas standing on the sidewalk.

Once in Hollywood, a man asked me if I knew which direction North Hollywood was. I slapped him.

Got attacked by the same posse of birds 3 times this week. They’re lucky that I don’t have wings; otherwise, i’d fly up there with some grease, and a skillet or a Fry Daddy–and eat ’em.

My carpal tunnel vision is flaring up again.

There are 3 types of people in this world: the ones who can count and the ones who can’t.

Phew! Good thing I turned down that Mel Gibson/Michael Richards house party invite. That would have been pretty awkward.

The words “My,” “oozing,” “rash,” “see,” and “wanna” do not fit well together in a sentence.

You might think you’re a gym rat, but when you see a real rat in the gym, your perspective changes.

If God wanted us to travel coach class, then he would have made us narrower.

Fun Ways I’d Like to Freak People Out — #28: Run inside a tanning salon midday and scream, “Look what your tanning bed did to me! This is brown, not tan!”

Two nights ago, I saw a roach orgy on and around a half-eaten Snickers bar in the street. Today, someone told me that I should’ve recorded it. I don’t think there’s a market for sweet milk chocolate roach porn.

Seriously, I’m staring at a grown man wearing a New Kids on the Block denim jacket. Can I strangle him now?

Saw someone today whose eyebrows were shaved off. So it got me asking myself that age-old question: Can people with no eyebrows look surprised?

I don’t know what’s killing me the most: people who rock T-shirts with scarves, or this “groin-punch game hurts more boys” article that I just read.

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too.