They have everything so nothing is special.

What’s the purpose of double frying? Did you not fry all of it the first time?

Plating shouldn’t be a real term. It’s a cooking term, but it should be abolished. When I eat with utensils, am I forking and knifing? How about utensil-ing? No. Eating soup? I guess you must be spooning then? See. That’s completely something else.

Convo between cop and suspect on Live PD:
Cop: Where you work at?
S: I don’t work, man. I work on the streets, man.
C: You hustle?
S: I don’t sell. I don’t do nothing else. I trade.
C: So you trade stuff for drugs.
S: I trade drugs for stuff.

I want to see a wedding where the bride and groom shake hands instead of kiss.

Every now and then, a motivational speaker should insult and embarrass everyone in the audience just to see if he “still got it.”

If a ring fits around your finger, shouldn’t an earring fit around your ear?

When people compliment food and call it “a party in my mouth”, they should specify exactly what kind of party it is. Some parties are notoriously unhygienic and just damn nasty.

Similarly, when videos go “viral”, we need to rename and reclassify some of these videos to “pandemic”, “contagion”, and “zombie apocalypse” because some of them are so filthy or dumb, they could bring back the Bubonic Plague.

My sleep numbers are pi and infinity.

I hopscotch while sipping hops and scotch.
I go raging on ageing gin.
And moonshine makes me moon my hind.

Ever notice sometimes that people square dance in circles?

Do si do: a staring contest between teenage deer

About half the time when I hear someone opening a soda can, I look around thinking someone is “psst”-ing me and trying to get my attention.

Booty sweat: when pirate treasure is stored in a humid environment and condensation eventually forms

I’ve seen thousands of photos where the model looks down at the ground.  It usually involves them posing in some cutesy or artificially casual or “candid” way, all while directing their gaze to the pavement.  What’s down there?  Is there something that only models can see and the rest of us can’t?  Maybe their looking for food.  A ham sandwich?  Biscuits?  Loose change?

Miller High Life’s has one of the greatest slogans in history.  The champagne of beers.  That’s phenomenal.  I love it.  It says all you need to know.  So whatever the worst champagne on the market is…listen, you guys should use the slogan, “The beer of champagnes.”  Do that shit.

The times have found us
The evidence is all around us
It doesn’t matter what your truth is
Reality will certainly ground us

Some may accept; some may deny
Roll up your sleeves, or look to the sky
You can disrespect others & live in your bubble
But the simple fact is all bubbles are lies

You can speak out, or you can be a mime
All stars will fade; the dull may even shine
My friends, the times have found us
I hope you’ve found the time

I usually grab 3 fortune cookies, open them, select the best one, and roll with that.

We don’t need to see “Ambulance” spelled backwards on ambulances. Those trucks are distinctive enough. I’ve never seen anyone completely miss the shifting traffic, the flashing lights, and the blaring sirens, just to see “ECNALUBMA” in their rear view mirror and then say, “Oh, that’s an ambulance,” and THEN pull over to the side of the street.

I was talking with someone the other day about parasites.  There are some parasites that take over their hosts’ minds and movements.  There’s a fungus that arrives in an ant as a spore.  It then develops in the ant’s body for about a week.  After that, it manipulates the ant’s movements, making it basically a zombie. Well, if I ever get taken over by a parasite, I only have one request, that it does a lot of cardio so that I’ll be 20 pounds lighter if they hand me my body back.

The game “Operation.”  Remember that game?  It always confused me.  We’re supposed to be saving his life, but the point of the game is to take all of his organs out…

My friend paid for my lunch. It wasn’t exactly free. The cost was spending time with that person.

In the US, corporations are considered people. To me, people fit in elevators. People also take shits.  Last time I checked, a corporation can’t fit into an elevator. Or sit on a toilet.  Therefore, corporations can’t be people.

The next John Wick movie will expose itself as really the next Matrix film.  Reality isn’t what it seemed. We’ve been living in a simulation since 1999.  John Wick will get cornered by a bunch of henchmen.  Then, the Bowery King, played by Laurence Fishburne, will show up out of nowhere.  John Wick will spin around and become Neo from The Matrix.  Since Laurence Fishburne’s already there, he’ll take off the Bowery King’s thick coat, spin around, and turn into Morpheus from The Matrix.  It’ll be called The Matwicks.

Halloween.  Someone knocked over a bottle of Tapatio in the kitchen.  It’s all over the floor.  Looks like blood splatter.  A few minutes later, this guy dressed as a cop comes in and joins the cleanup.  It looked like a cop cleaning up a fucking murder scene!

Kids are trick-or-treating in the daytime. WTF? That ain’t right. What happened to kids trick-or-treating at night? If you do it in the daytime, you can see the razor blade in your apple. Where’s the fun in that?

“Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.”
—James Spader as Robert California on The Office, S8E5 – “Spooked”

Is there someplace else?
I need to talk to you.
Away from these people.
Away from this madness.
I know you don’t want to leave
And you’re having great fun,
but I really need you right now
You could lend an ear
You could save the day
That’s only if you give a damn
about giving a damn
For someone else
Is there someplace else?
someplace we could go
As long as you stay
Let it be, let it be
I can’t make you be
somewhere you don’t wanna see
I see you & how you see me
Crystal clear now.
Old folks say my daddy
must be made of glass.
I’m in everyone’s way.
Now I see everyone’s ways.
A native son grows
Into an invisible man.
Ellie’s son was wright.
There is someplace else.
A place more suitable.
Resting in a hollow
chamber of solitude
a single reminder
lit from lightning’s fire
creates s p  a   c    e  between my flickering

thoughts

freeing my mind
freeing me
losing my grip
the thunder
was the last thing
that I could hold onto

People need to stop giving their kids last names as first names. There’s a kid called Harrison in this store I’m in now. He looks more like a Jebediah-Rudolph. Anderson, Cooper, Hunter, Thompson, Jackson, please stop. Here’s a name for you: Stopthatshit Rightnowman.

Kraft Heinz owns brands like Oscar Meyer, Ore Ida, Velveeta, Capri Sun, Kool-Aid, Jell-O, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, Lunchables, and Planters. It also owns Weight Watchers. What? Does anyone else see a conflict of interest here?

There’s a guy at work who leans back in his chair all the time. He presses his hands together as if he’s between contemplating the meaning of life or devising an unscrupulous plan to steal as many children as possible for his chocolate factory labor camp. He looks like a praying mantis on vacation.

Ferrets, raccoons, and pandas just need to get their masked asses together and start a robbers gang.

How was it cloudy and still 102 degrees outside?

The 30-something year-old air conditioner in my place acts more like a rebellious, easily distracted, petulant 8-year-old.

People always tell me that I look like a different person when I have my glasses off. Well, I don’t know who that other dude is, but he needs to buy us a better pair of glasses and start chipping in on this rent.

So Los Angeles used to have the Pacific Electric Red Car Line, which at the time was the largest rail system in the world. In the 1940s, the car companies bought up the railroads and destroyed them or covered them up. Now, the city’s basically playing catch-up and extending the current Metro system. In another 40 years, the e-scooter companies will overtake cars and rail, and build out…I’m joking. That won’t happen. That’s ridiculous.

I stared at the temperature for some time, hoping that it was really the time and that it was 1:05 and the colon had fallen off somehow, and not actually 105 degrees.

Watched a true crime show about a paraplegic murderer. The guy was soulless and sole-less.

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Lorem ipsum dolor amet skateboard lyft gochujang thundercats fam pinterest franzen. Chambray etsy edison bulb, sartorial live-edge ethical disrupt pok pok. Raw denim skateboard dreamcatcher lumbersexual, poke fam selfies echo park 90’s pork belly cliche knausgaard quinoa put a bird on it humblebrag. Master cleanse hell of meditation pork belly PBR&B plaid vice 3 wolf moon seitan tofu kale chips lyft heirloom cornhole.

Tofu next level shaman migas. Pok pok shaman hell of taxidermy farm-to-table. Single-origin coffee typewriter mlkshk actually, four dollar toast wolf gochujang vegan tote bag tofu hammock migas chia celiac lo-fi. Air plant af franzen, artisan fixie affogato gochujang meh.

Vaporware flannel seitan whatever, before they sold out tumblr fam unicorn vexillologist green juice. Chartreuse selfies twee pork belly green juice meditation farm-to-table butcher pickled schlitz locavore. Banh mi pickled master cleanse distillery readymade. Coloring book bitters before they sold out, YOLO live-edge vinyl retro authentic kombucha chartreuse yr fashion axe lomo farm-to-table.

Tilde venmo tofu waistcoat VHS sriracha hell of stumptown. Kombucha banjo vinyl neutra flannel vexillologist migas pitchfork cold-pressed DIY +1 whatever tofu leggings. Stumptown tbh unicorn gluten-free leggings copper mug iceland authentic roof party. Vaporware live-edge lyft polaroid kale chips gochujang fingerstache flexitarian offal PBR&B. Chicharrones +1 90’s ennui, four loko iceland mumblecore hashtag selvage. Hella 3 wolf moon kombucha chillwave chia brunch tousled blue bottle helvetica ennui literally YOLO paleo. Authentic farm-to-table banh mi normcore VHS yr bitters kickstarter.

Locavore lomo fam bespoke unicorn pour-over. Iceland hexagon DIY activated charcoal tousled deep v shabby chic cardigan pabst meh readymade lumbersexual kombucha drinking vinegar jianbing. Taxidermy banjo beard sriracha tofu fashion axe. Bicycle rights deep v organic art party brooklyn post-ironic cloud bread echo park next level glossier.

— Artisan hipster text from Jason Cosper’s brilliant website Hipster Ipsum, hipsum.co

Watch the crescent cradle the newborn night
Crowning above all, ruler of the city
The world is its court, where we all bow
Even fowl lower their heads in due time
You lean against a wall, carefree, barely
Aware of the volume of life around you
My arms surround you, a shield, brief in nature
For they will help carry your burdens
Your troubles, deflect danger when it’s nigh
And I don’t mind.
To see you laugh, loving life, enjoying,
Fuels me enough, I’m fine
The world is a party, a celebration of now
Prizes galore, new opening doors
So get off that wall, go mingle, test the waters
Love to love. When you’re done, love some more
Soon the music will fade
The drinks will run dry
Party favors bespeckle the floor
The velvet rope stands unattended
The people will go home
Winds subside into sighs in the end
Til then, we’re all dancing in the sun
Waiting for our nights to fall