“Gesundtheit” means “shut up” in English.

Overheard 2 ladies at lunch, talking about their men problems.  One said boldly and proudly, “There’s no reason why I shouldn’t have a man.  I’m gorgeous.  I’m an attorney…”  Immediately, I knew what her problem was.  She had low self-esteem.

To lessen my dependency on modern technology, I’ve decided to replace the alarm clock on my nightstand with a Sicilian Buttercup, Jersey Giant, or Golden Laced Wyandotte rooster.  Let’s see what happens.

If you give your already hyper kid a coffee, then you should be thrown into a cage with your over-caffeineated monster and forced to fend for your life.

One day, I walked to end of the street.  I saw a guy staring at me.  I ignored him.  On my return trip, just as I got to a red SUV, the guy held out his keyless entry remote and locked his door 3 times, as if I was going to steal his vehicle.  So I decided to walk across the street and have a talk with him.  However, he went inside his house.  Hopefully, he walked into the depths of hell.

When you’re in a crowded elevator, why is there always that one person who tries to squeeze in before the doors close?  That person is officially the world’s most obnoxious person at that moment.  Everyone should exit the elevator.  Then, cut the elevator cable to send that person straight down the elevator shaft.  There’s plenty of room down there for him.
 
Why is it that people who have really loud voices don’t realize that they have loud voices?  I get that it’s hard to hear yourself or gauge the volume of your own voice, but don’t they see the external indicators?  Like the shattering glass, the trembling Earth, or bleeding ears?

I hear that yoga may help you extend your life.  Flexibility, relaxation, and muscle control can make your quality of life better, I imagine.  So yoga can make your life better.  That’s if you don’t get shot.

Last Wednesday was so awful that I’m pretty sure it was Monday wearing a Wednesday disguise.

I’m the only one on the bus.  A man gets on the bus, looks at me, farts, and then gets off at the next stop.  What does that say about me as a person?

I always see people on the bus standing at the back door waiting for it to open at their requested stop.  Sometimes, they’ll get mad and yell at the driver to open the door.  These people aren’t smart.  The back door has “Push doors to open” written on it in at least 2 or 3 languages.  Read.  I’m going to keep it nice today. 

It’s not shacking up if you live in a nice condo.

Was in an elevator once that had a sign that read “If elevator should fail to open, do not be alarmed.  Remain in elevator until assistance arrives.”  Do I have a choice?  I have to remain in the elevator.  Is there somewhere else I can wait for assistance to arrive?  Maybe I can remain outside the elevator?  I’ll try that next time.

Vegetarians hate meat.  We are all made of meat.  It’s like a form of self-hatred.

Sold my soul to the devil once.  He took it to a pawn shop, and got a busted clock radio for it.  That’s worth more than what I paid for it.

Saw a referee walking out of a McDonalds when I was young.  Thought the Hamburglar was breaking out of the big house.

Speaking of the Hamburglar, hasn’t he done any jail time yet?  Aren’t Ronald and others aiding and abetting a criminal?  That’s a felony.

People always say that red meat can cause cancer.  I’m pretty sure that was started by the seafood industry, Big Fish.  After all, what’s the zodiac symbol for Cancer?  A crab.  Sure, let’s just blame beef for everything.  When are scientists going to start paying attention to that truly scientifically sound science, astrology?

Whenever I hear someone say “conversate,” Noah Webster sends me a text message, saying that he’s just turned over again.

Putting missing kids on the back of milk cartons…When is the last time you heard of a 7-year-old kidnapping another 7-year-old?  The photos should go on things that adults drink from like beer mugs, cans, and other containers that hold flammable drinks, etc.

I wonder how many times a day Tom of MySpace updates his Facebook status.

I’m pretty good at being humble.

I noticed while watching the National Spelling Bee that several of the contestants’ names were unpronounceable. 

When I was a kid, I realized that several nursery rhymes and fairy tales were pretty bad.  Some featured cannibalism (Hansel and Gretel), murder and poisoning (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), child neglect (Cinderella), and even breaking and entering (Goldilocks and the Three Bears), just to name a few.  But when animals eat other animals, that’s just plain crazy.  “This little piggy ate roast beef?”  If I see a pig in coveralls eating roast beef, I’m slapping it out of its hand.  That fat carnivorous bastard.  I don’t even want to know what “the dish ran away with the spoon” means.

ATMs aren’t different.  How many times have you been standing in line behind someone who has apparently forgotten or is unfamiliar with using an ATM/card swiper?  Um…it’s not like that one is vastly different from the other one that person used earlier in the day.  How hard is it to swipe a card, or choose debit or credit?  Here’s a thought: Go to the bank, withdrawal all of your money, and give it to me.  Since you don’t know what to do with your bank account, I’ll figure out what to do with it.  If you take any longer to swipe your card, everyone in line is going to take your canned goods and pelt you with them.

Kid leashes.  Why stop there, parents?  Build a dog house for your little one.  Don’t forget to take him to the vet.  But if you’re gonna treat your kid like that, then maybe you should be the one spayed or neutered.

Speaking of animals, long ago I used to think that when an animal was spayed, the operation was performed with a spade–hence the name.  But I believe that’s wrong.

If you don’t do jack at your job, then you shouldn’t qualify for a day off.  Point blank.

A friend of mine recently visited Hawaii.  He said that the luaus he attended had nothing but comfort food.  Comfort food?  Why is there comfort food in Hawaii?  Who the hell is sad in Hawaii?  Everyone I know who goes to Hawaii comes back smiling and dancing and happy as a lark.  I must investigate.

Concerned Curmudgeon says, “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself.  Not interested.”

If a knock-kneed person and a bowlegged person have a child together, will that kid’s legs be straight?

Two nights ago, I saw a roach orgy on and around a half-eaten Snickers bar in the street. Today, someone told me that I should’ve recorded it. I don’t think there’s a market for sweet milk chocolate roach porn.

I bought a toothbrush the other day.  On the packaging, it read “Contains 1 toothbrush.”  Thanks for pointing that out, toothbrush manufacturers.  I was confused.  Looked like a 12-pack of toothbrushes for a second there.

Why is it that whenever I go to a health-food store, 70% of the people there look unhealthy?  Seriously, many of them look like they’ll collapse before they get to the shopping baskets.  If being “healthy” means looking sickly and weak, then I shall be a fat, glutinous hippopotamus.  Eat something, people!

“Gesundtheit” means “shut up” in English.